


On My Honor

by AshakiranTheTenthBeast



Series: Bleach Non-Con MPreg Stories [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Boys Love - Freeform, Domestic Violence, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Drama, Forced Marriage, Forced Pregnancy, M/M, Mpreg, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 01:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 55,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7738912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshakiranTheTenthBeast/pseuds/AshakiranTheTenthBeast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lieutenant Shuhei Hisagi wants nothing more than to work underneath his captain, his hero, Captain Kensei Muguruma. One night Kensei does something unforgivable that leaves the lieutenant devastated, heartbroken...and pregnant. Central 46 doesn't let seated officers have children out of wedlock and force the two to be wed. Kensei is furious and uncontrolled, Shuhei is betrayed and unforgiving. With their young daughter caught in the crossfire, the Muguruma family has to make amends...or lose everything they hold dear, careers, reputations, and their relationship destroyed. Can either of them learn to love before the flames of rage burn too hotly?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Captain Kensei Muguruma

**Author's Note:**

> This is a male pregnancy story, meaning it features a man getting pregnant. If you like male pregnancy, please enjoy. If you don't like mpreg, please don't read.

_Shūhei Hisagi, Lieutenant of Division Nine_

            This wasn’t the first time I had been on a mission to the Human World alone with Captain Kensei, but it was the first time that one, we were both in gigais, two, we were sharing a bed, three, he slept naked, and four, he was touching me in his sleep.

            _How does this stuff happen to me? Oh right._

            I volunteered to go on a mission to the Human World undercover as a musician, it was a great chance to learn how to play my guitar and I liked learning how to cook human-style food. It had been originally Lieutenant Renji to go with me, he hated music but he wanted to see Ichigo. Then it turned out they wanted a Captain-level and it was going to be Captain Kurotsuchi because he wanted to do some experimenting, but they said they couldn’t make a gigai that would have his face-paint, so he changed his mind. Somehow it turned out to be Captain Kensei and his undercover disguise was as my agent. So it all worked out, but when we got here, there was only one-bedroom motel suite. Captain Kensei didn’t care, he was tired and ordered us to go to sleep. I was okay with it but then he took off all his clothes and got in the bed. See, that was okay, I had made my pallet on the floor until I saw the three cockroaches crawling under the couch. I got in the bed immediately then Captain pulled me against him, held me so tight and kept sleeping.

            “C-cuh-Captain?” My voice was squished, the Captain’s arms were heavy, hard and so hot! I was sweating like I was in a sauna, he was holding me directly against him, our pecs and abs stuck together and yeah…I didn’t want to feel that!! Everyone liked to rib me that I was in love with him and wanted to do everything for him and be just like him, yeah, right on ONE account and that was the fact I wanted to be like him. Everything else was a big fat lie. Yes, I _loved_ Captain Kensei but I wasn’t _in_ love with him and there was a difference. I felt for the Captain like he was my hero, someone to look up to, _NOT_ get married to.

            I could admit it, the Captain’s personality wasn’t the best for getting married or being a boyfriend. He was too angry, too easily upset, too temperamental, too masculine, too…childish, flipping out over the littlest things. He didn’t like to be teased, he didn’t like joking around and when he got drunk he got violent. No, he was my Captain and that was it.

            As for doing everything for him, I didn’t fancy cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry. First, the Captain was a picky-eater, I’ve been with him on restaurants and eating out and the one time I actually did cook his lunch it was such a disaster I’m not even going to bring it up again. As for cleaning, he was a slob, I actually pay our janitors extra to keep up his office, they hate it. And laundry…the Captain had an odor to him, I liked it somewhat but when he got really sweaty and he wasn’t the best at personal hygiene so NO. It was all just a no!!

            Now here we were in this tiny little bed, he was snoring and holding me like I was his teddy bear. That’s when his hands began to wander. He had one arm locked over my waist, my arms were pinned at my side and one of his legs was over my leg, holding it down. His _other_ hand however was making its way down my thigh and trying to get between our bodies.

            “Captain.” I grunted, trying to use my chest to push back but the man was incredibly strong. I was noted for my strength but he was a hell of a lot stronger. “Captain…let me go.”

            My eyes widened as his hand got through and I squeezed my thighs together but dammit, he was touching me. His fingers were large, clumsy and calloused, feeling up and down my length. I bit him, the only weapon I had left and he didn’t even move, still snoring, still molesting me.

            I jerked my knee and his leg just hooked around my calf, pinning me down. Then he was rocking back and forth for some reason, moving me with him. I didn’t know what he was doing, this man was a wild sleeper! Then with a sudden swipe of his hands and legs, I was on my stomach, arms behind my back and he was straddling my thighs.

            I shouted, “CAPTAIN KENSEI GET OFF ME!!”

            “Mm?” His one hand pressed between my cheeks, I clenched up but he forced entry, just the pain of his one finger told me what was going to happen next would hurt a hell of a lot worse.

            “CAPTAIN!” Tears were rolling down my face as he shoved in another finger. “WAKE UP DAMMIT!”

            There were thuds on the walls. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!”

            It was late, people were sleeping but my captain was about to violate me in a way that I would never forgive. If I could get him to stop _now_ , stop before he went any further, I would be okay, just give me some time, some space, I would be able to be normal. But if he went all the way, if he did this in completion, it would never be the same, I would hate him forever.

            “Captain Kensei!” I growled as his third finger powered its way in, he hadn’t used any lube and his fingernails were sharp, I was already nipped open in several sharp cuts. “Captain please! Wake up! Stop it!”

            “I’m not sleep.” His voice was low and gruff. “I’m awake now.”

            I closed my eyes in relief, my body relaxed. _Finally._ “Thank God! Now get off me, please!”

            I tried to sit up but I couldn’t. His hand on my wrists keeping my arms locked behind my back was clenching tighter, I could hear my bones creaking. He was sitting on my thighs, I couldn’t move my legs. We were in gigais and our soul candy was across the room. He was holding me down, he was stronger than me. My heart began to pound, my throat dried.

           “C-Captain Kensei?” My voice was a hushed whisper. “Please let me up.”

            He didn’t say anything, he was still holding me down and he still had three fingers inside of me, but he wasn’t moving.          

_What is he thinking?? Why won’t he let me up? Why won’t he get off me??_

            Then I felt it. Something slick, wet and somewhat gelatinous was slipping down my hole and I heard the mouthy sounds. I could have thrown up. _He just drooled on me! Why is he spitting on me??_

            “CAPTAIN KENSEI!!” I shouted. “DON’T DO IT!”

            “Relax Shūhei.” He took out his fingers but he drooled again then his finger was spreading around the saliva, I was going to die! “You’re the one in love with me, you want to do this with me.”

            My eyes bugged as I felt _it_ , thick and hard, touching my already sore and aching entrance. I sniffed, tears were coming down my face again. “I don’t want this Captain Kensei,” my voice was raspy and clogged. “Please, if you stop now, I can forgive you.”

            “I don’t want to stop.” He was pressing in and I clenched down, trying to block him then I felt an incredible amount of pain as he kept going in anyway, I was ripping open. The tears burned as hot stinging rivulets of blood slid through the slit cuts.

            “STOP IT PLEASE! PLEASE STOP!!” I screamed but he was still coming in, he was still entering me and it hurt, it hurt so bad! “CAPTAIN KENSEI! CAPTAIN KENSEI NO! NO!”

            Then with a thud, his crotch was laid right against my butt, he was all the way inside, I could feel his penis like it was up to my collarbone, intruding into my very soul. My body went limp, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, my voice finally died.

            He let go of my wrists only to clasp my waist, he pulled out only a little then he thrust back in fully, with a loud smack of our bodies connecting, then he kept thrusting, in and out, over and over again, taking my body.

            I kept my face in the pillow, he wasn’t going to stop and I didn’t have it in me to fight back. He was grunting over me, I hated it, I covered my ears, trying not to start sobbing.

            “Ugh Shūhei,” his hands lifted my hips up but my knees were too weak to hold the position. “Keep your hips up Shūhei.”

            I shook my head, whispering, “I won’t.”

            “I’m being gentle so far, but I don’t like being disobeyed. I _said_ put your fucking hips up. Now.”

            The Captain’s hands were so hard on my hips, his sharp fingers bit into my skin and I did as told, though I was shaking. With my hips up, his other hand pressed my back down, now it was like I was offering myself up to him.

            “NO!”

            I jerked upwards, my hands scrambling to pull away, my legs kicking to run. Captain’s arms grasped mine and he shoved me down flat on my stomach, my breath knocked out. He had fallen out of me but then he just rammed himself back in, raping me onwards. I tried to flip my hips away but he was so heavy, his crotch was pounding mine downwards into the bed, hurting both sides of my body.

            _Why is he doing this to me?? Just because I’m supposedly “in love” with him means he can have sex with me even after I said no? Or maybe he thinks its okay for Captains to forcibly take their lieutenants? NO dammit NO this isn’t right!_

            “AUGH!” Captain Kensei shouted and I felt the thick musty spraying of his semen inside of me. He pulled out and I went limp on to the bed as he let me go. He stood off the bed and walked away then came back, a towel dropped onto my face.

            “Clean yourself up.” He ordered gruffly. “I’m using the bathroom first.” Then the bathroom door closed.

            I laid there, stunned, for about five seconds, before I sat up. Semen and blood trailed down my thighs, my heart was cold, my lungs frozen. I hadn’t ever trembled this badly…no, I’ve never felt like this before. It wasn’t even just fear or trauma or betrayal, it was all of that, but…

            I stood up and tears burning in my eyes, I cleaned myself but there wasn’t any way in Hell that I was staying here with Captain Kensei for another second. I got dressed and grabbed my soul candy. I left the motel all together and took the subway back to Urahara’s shop. It was late, about midnight but I stood there and banged on the door for five minutes until it finally opened.

            Urahara stood there looking upset but then he rocked back as I dropped my weight on him, suddenly I was sobbing and telling him everything, my body breaking down, my mind ruined.

            “Okay Lieutenant, okay.” He hugged me and brought me inside, mostly dragging me as my legs sagged. “I’ve got you and we’ll get this sorted out. Come on, let’s get you showered okay?”

            I nodded weakly, I couldn’t see anything, my vision was water and my entire body was shaken up, I could hardly stand. Urahara gave up trying to get me to walk and cradled me in his arms, I flopped over against him and passed out completely.


	2. Lieutenant Shūhei Hisagi

            I woke up to birds singing and sunlight directly on my face. I also heard the distant rumble of shouting, one of the voices I recognized as belonging to Captain Kensei Muguruma, but I couldn’t hear it clearly. I sat up and moved to stand up but I hit the floor, my back was clenched up tight, my thighs like beaten bricks. I crawled over to the door and cracked it open.

            “It doesn’t matter whether or not he was in love with you, if he said no it means no!” I hadn’t ever heard Urahara’s voice raised like that, it didn’t matter how serious things got, he always spoke with a mature and somewhat jovial tone. Right now he sounded furious. “You’re arrogant Kensei but what you did was beyond arrogance and straight into plain conceit! You thought he was just playing? Like saying no when he meant yes?? That’s pure bullshit and you know it!”

            “Lieutenant Hisagi?”

            I jumped back at the large blue eyes blinking in front of me. Oh, it was Ururu. She made a small smile. “If you feel up to it, I’ve run a bath for you.”

            I nodded, Captain Kensei was responding but he wasn’t shouting, I could only hear the deepness of his voice but not what he was saying. Ururu took my hand to help me stand up but I shook my head, there was no way I could walk. So I found myself crawling to the bath, each movement of my thighs shifting slashed pain up my spine, I was crying again how subjugated I was.

            The tub was billowing up steam and Ururu helped me get inside. I slumped over as the heat seeped into me but I was shivering, I still felt cold. On the inside, I was freezing. Ururu hadn’t closed the door and I could hear Urahara again, he sounded infuriated, bellowing at the top of his lungs.

            “I HAVE EVERY INTENTION OF GETTING YOUR ASS BLASTED FOR THIS! DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST RAPE SOMEONE AND NOT GET PUNISHED KENSEI! YOU CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU DID WRONG WELL I’LL MAKE SURE YOU LEARN IT WAS WRONG!”

            Ururu closed the door and the shouts hushed. She looked at me. “You shouldn’t listen to that Lieutenant Hisagi, you just need to get well.”

            I nodded and started to bathe, Ururu washed my hair and my back. My mind was spacing out, I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting clean. I was so dirty, God I was filthy, disgusting.

            Once the water was cold, I got out into a towel and Ururu had clothes waiting for me. I was still in the gigai, I needed to get out of it, become a shinigami again and go home. Dried and dressed, Ururu carefully opened the door but it was all quiet. The heat had worked its magic, I could stand but it still was tense.

            “Come on,” she said, taking my hand. “You should eat something.”

            I shook my head and spoke, my voice was so quiet, so broken, “I’m not hungry.”

            “You need to get your strength back,” she started to walk and I had to come with her, my feet shuffling and head down. “Okay, sit.”

            I sat on the cushion and she came back with rice, fish and miso soup. I ate slowly and silently, not looking up from the table.

            There were footsteps and Urahara sat down across from me, he took off his hat and fanned himself with it, his skin gleamed with sweat, he didn’t talk, his jaw clenched tight as he silently fumed.

            I didn’t speak, I didn’t have anything to say.

            Urahara spoke first. “Huh…” he let out a breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. “He went back to the Soul Society. I sent word to Unohana to come here so she can examine you and make the report to take to Central 46 and the Head Captain.”

            I just nodded, placing down my chopsticks. Somehow I eaten all of my food but I felt ready to throw it all up.

            Urahara looked at me. “Hisagi…I wasn’t able to remove you from your gigai and I don’t know why.”

             I looked up at him, my eyes widened. “W-what?” My voice was so quiet I could barely hear myself. It was like I had lost my own energy, my personality. I was raw.

            Urahara nodded. “When you passed out, I put a soul candy in your mouth to bring out your soul so I could throw out the gigai. The candy just came back out. I tried about five times, it just kept coming out. I then tried to use my cane to eject your soul from the gigai and my cane did nothing, it went through the gigai but your soul didn’t come out. I got my special glove and tried to physically remove your soul and I was unable to grasp it. Now I don’t know how being raped,” I flinched massively but he kept talking, “could have made you somehow locked into your gigai, I’ve never heard of someone getting stuck in their gigai. So we just have to wait for Unohana to arrive and move on from there, okay?”

            I dipped my head and I was tired, dreadfully tired.

            Ururu took my arm. “Come on Lieutenant Hisagi, you can go lay down now.”

            I stumbled as I stood up, my back clenched up and my thighs were stiffened from sitting on them. She walked me back to my room, I laid down on the futon and fell asleep.


	3. Statement

            I woke up to being very gently shaken, the hand was small and soft, so I knew it wasn’t Urahara. I opened my eyes, it was Captain Unohana.

            She smiled and ushered me to sit up. She felt my forehead and my neck, then lowered me back down, lifting up my shirt. I wanted to know why she wasn’t saying anything, but Urahara who was also in the room wasn’t speaking either. I was still tired and just sat still, moving my arms and my legs as she quietly instructed. Then she sat back and crossed her arms loosely over her chest.

            She said,  “Your soul is, for lack of a better word, locked into your gigai Lieutenant Hisagi. Its nearly like you are a human being, in this form you of course don’t have any reiatsu or a zanpakutō.”

            I looked at her, asking quietly, “When will I be released from my gigai? How to unlock from it?”

            “That’s what we’re trying to figure out,” said Urahara. “As well as why it happened. I’ve never heard of a soul locking itself into a gigai. I’ve made gigais meant to be more permanent, true, but that’s not one of them. That’s a standard gigai Hisagi, you’re only able to use it for a few months at a time until you need to leave it and it’ll need some repairs. Captain Unohana, did you learn anything from your examination?”

            To my shock, she shook her head, her voice hushed and confused. “I also don’t understand. Its as if his soul has ingrained itself into the gigai, every part of him is hooked inside, his soul won’t come loose. I can’t give a reason why…” She looked at me. “During the attack, did Captain Muguruma use any type of Kido to keep you still, did you hear him making any type of incantation?”

            I shook my head, looking at the floor. “He spoke very little while he raped me. Once, to tell me he was awake. And the second time was to mock me about me being in love with him, saying I _wanted_ to have sex with him. The third thing he said was…” I shook my head, I didn’t want to say.

            It was quiet for a moment, then Urahara said, “He can’t go back to the Soul Society in a gigai, can he Unohana?”

            She answered, “No. The Soul Society is a spiritual place, the gigai is material, it’s a functional human body. He won’t be able to cross over the Senkaimon.”

            I looked up, understanding what they were saying. “You mean I’m stuck here?” My voice was still understated, like all my personality had been sucked out of it, empty.

            Urahara actually nodded. “If we can’t get your soul out of this gigai, then you can’t leave the Human World. I’ve tried everything I knew on separating souls from bodies but the problem here is I can’t even tell _why_ your soul is locked into that gigai, so I can’t see where to start removing it. Unohana, what did you see in your examination?”

            “He’s become like a human being,” she said, my heart flinched. “His blood flows, his heart beats, he’s a living creature. However the gigai isn’t meant to be permanent, it’ll work for the time being, but if he stays in for too long, it’ll start breaking down as gigais naturally do. Of course Mr. Urahara will be able to repair you but it won’t be perfect, eventually, the gigai will completely stop working. At that point, if we still haven’t gotten you out of it…then you’ll be forever stuck inside of a broken decommissioned gigai.”

            I didn’t speak at first, trying to comprehend this. I finally said, “Then we’ll have to find out how to get me removed from the gigai.”

            “We’ll work on it,” nodded Urahara. “Thank you for coming on such short notice Unohana. Now that part is taken care of, we need to move on.”

            She said, “Then you should leave the room Mr. Urahara, and tell Lieutenant Isane to come in.”

            I didn’t like this. “What’s going on?”

            Unohana looked at me. “We need to get some information of your body and your statement for the rape case against Captain Muguruma.”

            I blanched and whispered hoarsely, “I don’t want to. Just forget about it.”

            “NO.” Urahara’s voice was so loud and stern, I stared at him. He looked so angry, his face already flushed red. “There’s no way in _Hell_ that bastard is going to get away with this. You were sleep Hisagi but _I_ heard his weak lazy-ass defense! Really? Playing games? Being hard-to-get? Asking for it? Lies, fucking lies and I-”

            Urahara went quiet as he saw Unohana point at the door. He nodded and left without speaking and Lieutenant Isane came in. Isane gave me a tissue and I didn’t know I had been crying until I was wiping the tears off my face.

            “Forgive his intensity,” said Unohana. “He’s just extremely offended by what Captain Muguruma has done. Now I want you to just relax Lieutenant Hisagi, answer our questions as calmly and truthfully as you can. Starting from the beginning, what happened the night you spent with Captain Muguruma?”

            Isane had a notepad and pencil, there was a Hell butterfly hovering to audio-record the conversation. I swallowed hard and shook my head. There was no way I was going to break it down like this, not so everyone could hear it.

            Captain Unohana’s eyes were gentle. “I understand Lieutenant Hisagi, you’re ashamed and humiliated, but if you want justice for the crime that was done onto you, you have to take the proper steps. Let me narrow down the question. What was the Captain Muguruma’s attitude that night before the incident took place?”

            I could answer that one, it was easy. “Tired.”

            “I see. So he appeared to be tired. What happened after that?”

            I already felt agitated, my throat closing, but I answered again. “He undressed and got in the bed. He fell asleep very soon after laying down.”

            “So he changed into a _jinbei_ and went to sleep. Okay, so-”

            “No,” I had to correct her. “He didn’t wear a _jinbei._ He was naked.”

            Isane asked, “Does Captain Muguruma usually sleep naked?”

            “I don’t know,” I said. “This was the first time I had shared a bed with him.” My stomach clenched, I think that breakfast was going to make a return journey.

            “Calm yourself Lieutenant Hisagi and let’s continue. Seeing as he had taken the bed, where did you decide to sleep?”

            I swallowed back sickness, responding, “I made a pallet on the floor, that’s where I intended on sleeping.”

            “Intended as you had decided but then later changed your mind?”

            I nodded. “There was cockroaches on the floor, so I got in the bed with Captain.”

            Isane asked, “And what was your state of dress Lieutenant Hisagi?”

            I didn’t like this, my fingers tightened and relaxed. I had to breathe, then I got out. “I was also naked.”

            Captain Unohana asked, “Do you usually sleep naked Lieutenant Hisagi?”

            My head shook quickly. “It depends on the weather and the room conditions. It was very hot in the room.”

            Captain Unohana asked next, “So, to make sure we’re clear, both you and the Captain are naked together in the bed. Is that correct?”

            _I hate this, I’m hating it so much. I feel like she’s going to twist the story around, make it sound like I enticed him or something. I don’t want to say another word. This isn’t fair, its not right._

            She looked at me, directly in the eyes. “Lieutenant Hisagi, I’m making this as simple and as gentle as possible, but these questions must be answered. If you truly feel you cannot take the questions, I will get a truth serum and you can speak without your will. Is that what you’d prefer?”

            I didn’t like that at all, and I said, “Yes, that’s correct.”

            She made a small smile and nodded at Isane, who kept writing. “What happened next?”

            I managed to speak but my voice was shaking. “Captain grabbed me close to him, holding me very tightly. He was snoring, so I know he was sleep. I don’t think he at that moment realized what he was doing.”

            “He appeared to be asleep, I see. Where was he holding you Lieutenant Hisagi?”

            “Around my torso,” I answered. “With his hold, my arms were pinned against the sides of my body. I couldn’t break loose.”

            “Understood. So, to sum up the situation so far, Captain Muguruma was in the bed naked, sleeping. Then you, also naked, joined him in the bed. Seemingly asleep, Captain Muguruma grabbed you and held you in such a way that you cannot move your arms. Is that how it was?”

            “Yes.”

            “And what happened after that?”

            My stomach was trembling, and now so was my voice, tears were pressing against my eyes. “H-he-his hands, one of his hands, it was, uh, um, his hand was, trying to touch to me.”

            “Trying to touch you or _was_ touching you? Be more specific please Lieutenant.”

            “My penis,” I said suddenly, getting it out quickly, “He was trying to touch my penis but we were so close together that it was too tight but he got through and he started to rub and feel my penis.”

            “So he was molesting you?”  

            “Yes.”

            “Did you enjoy the attention Lieutenant Hisagi?”

            I looked at her like she had grown two heads but she patiently looked back at me. My teeth gritted, I got out seriously, “NO I did not. I wanted him to stop and I told him to let go, but he didn’t.”

            “Did you speak clearly when telling him to stop? Did he still appear to be sleeping or was he comprehending your words?”

            “I couldn’t speak that clear because I was held so tight,” I answered, I was really hating this. “He was still sleeping because he was still snoring.”

            “So at the point of the molestation, Captain Kensei Muguruma was sleeping, is that correct?”

            _Dear GOD she’s on his side! She thinks I asked for this or that he wasn’t at fault! This is what’s called blaming the victim!_

            “Answer Lieutenant Hisagi,” instructed Isane, her eyes down on her pad. “We have a lot more questions, this will go more smoothly and faster if you’d answer with promptness.”

            I thought about punching her face in, but I said, “Yes, that’s correct.”

            “And what happened next?”

            “He began to rock back and forth and suddenly flipped me onto my stomach. My arms were behind my back and he was straddling my thighs. He did it so quickly I was unable to react and stop him. I immediately shouted Captain Kensei get off me, as loud as I could. He didn’t get off me and-” I stopped talking, my heart squeezed.

            Captain Unohana’s eyes on me didn’t look sickened or shocked, she was just intent on pressuring me. “And what? Continue. What happened after he had on your stomach?”

            I covered my mouth, I was definitely going to throw up. Captain Unohana placed a pail at my side and a washcloth, but said, “We can take a three minute break, then we’ll continue.”

            I shoved down the sickness, no I didn’t want any breaks, I had to get this out then I wanted her to leave and never come around me again. “He started to put his fingers inside of me.”

            “Inside of you where? Please be specific.”

            I stared at her. _She wants me to be that clear? She just wants me to relieve it all, to feel the pain all over again._

            “Answer please,” said Lieutenant Isane, her pen poised.

            “My asshole,” I said bluntly, but while Isane flinched, Unohana’s face was clear and composed. “He was putting his fingers up my ass, is that specific enough for you?”

            “I understand,” she said calmly. “And did you try to stop him? Or did you encourage him?”

            My arms were locked behind my back with a silent Bakudō incantation before I could move to claw her stupid ugly eyes out, I screamed at her. “IT WAS RAPE! I DIDN’T WANT IT! THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY I ENCOURAGED HIM!! I TOLD HIM NO! I BEGGED HIM TO STOP! WHO’S SIDE ARE YOU FUCKING ON UNOHANA?!”

            Captain Unohana’s face flushed for a moment then she let out a breath and said, “I’m just doing as required Lieutenant Hisagi. Central 46 has a rubric for rape cases and how to handle the questioning of the victim and attacker. I’ve already taken Captain Muguruma’s statement, once I have yours I will turn in the case to Central 46 for them to deliberate. So if you’d please just calm down and answer these questions, the sooner it will be over. I’m going to keep you restrained until such a time. Now, answer my question Lieutenant Hisagi. Did you try to stop Captain Muguruma or did you encourage him?”

            I growled from the darkest depths of my chest, “I couldn’t stop him because he was holding me down. All I could do was yell at him to get off me. When he didn’t listen, I yelled for him to wake up. But he didn’t stop.”

            “I see. Was he snoring while he did this?”

            “He wasn’t snoring but I believed he must still be asleep if he wasn’t stopping like I was telling him to.”

            “So you assumed he was sleeping. And what happened next?”

            “He told me he was awake,” I said, my throat was drying out now. “I had been begging him to wake up and to stop, then he said I’m awake now, I’m not asleep. I was so grateful and I told him to please get off me. He didn’t, he didn’t say anything and he didn’t move. So I said his name and told him to please get off me again. That’s when,” I swallowed hard, feeling sick again. “That’s when he…when he drooled on me.”

            Isane’s eyes went really wide but she didn’t look up from the notepad. Captain Unohana’s face was blank as paper. “What do you mean by _drool_?”

            If I could have rammed my fist down her throat, I really would have done it. I spoke behind clenched teeth. “I mean that he spit on me, saliva, drool, salivation, on my behind. That’s what I mean.”

            “I see. And what’s the purpose of that?”

            _This bitch is ASKING for me to kill her! Once I’m out of this gigai, once I’ve got my zanpakutō back, I’m coming after her and I’m killing her._

            Somehow I managed to answer despite my rage. “Its for lubrication, so that the friction doesn’t cause pain.”

            “So you’re saying that the Captain took the time to care of you. His intentions weren’t to cause you pain if he took steps to make sure you wouldn’t be hurt. Would you say that’s right?”

            I breathed heavy then got out, “NO I wouldn’t say that’s right. He only did it so _he_ wouldn’t be hurt. He didn’t care about me at all, because if he did care when I said STOP he would have motherfucking STOPPED. _Instead_ he said, instead of stopping, he told me to relax because I’m in the one in love with him and I _wanted_ to do it with him. I never ONCE confessed love to Captain Kensei, I never told him that I was in love with him and I never said that I wanted to have sex with him!”

            “I see,” Captain Unohana meshed her fingers together, she looked so calm, like she didn’t even care what we were talking about. “You’re saying that the reason Captain Muguruma didn’t stop after you said stop was because he was under the impression that you were in love with him. Could you say that you’ve ever made any type of words or actions that could cause him to believe you were in love with him?”

            _I’m going to kill her, even if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll kill her._

            I answered in a tight tone, “NO.”

            “Okay.” She nodded. “So, what happened after he told you that you were in love with him and you wanted to do this for him?”

            “I told him that I didn’t want it and if he stopped now, if he didn’t keep going, I would be able to forgive him.”

            “And his response?”

            A tear rolled down my cheek. “He said that he didn’t want to stop. Then he entered me.”

            “Entered you where? Please be specific.”

            I looked at my lap, more tears escaped, I sniffed and whispered, “In my ass. Using his erection, he entered me into my asshole.”

            “And the reason for doing this, according to what you’ve said, was that he thought you were in love with him and you wanted to do this with him. Is that true in even the slightest way?”

            _That sentence is skewered. If I say yes, it could be taken that I’m saying yes I’m in love with him. If I say no, it makes it sound like I’m backtracking on what I said earlier. If this is Central 46’s rubric for questioning rape victims, its fucked up as hell._

            I licked my lips nervously, then said, “That’s what I said.”

            She paused then continued, “And what happened after this?”

            “He raped me.”

            “Define what you mean by rape.”

            I looked her in the eyes, revealing just how much pain I was in when it happened and how much pain she was causing me right now. “By rape I mean that the Captain began to have sex with me without my permission.”

            “Was he being gentle and attempting to have you enjoy his lovemaking?”

            My eyes bugged out, I couldn’t believe what I just heard. “Did you just say _lovemaking_? What he did was NOT lovemaking! It was full-out forced sex called RAPE! I didn’t want it, I told him NO and to STOP and he didn’t listen! He did whatever the hell HE wanted! NO he was NOT gentle and NO I did NOT enjoy it!”

            Unohana nodded and asked, “Please continue your telling of the events.”

            “He tried to get me to do what he wanted,” I said, my body was shaking now, I felt full of anger and horror at the same time. “He ordered me lift my hips up and when I refused, he threatened me, so I did it anyway but I got scared, I tried to get away from him and he shoved me down and he kept raping me, he raped me until he came inside of me. Then he got a towel and threw it in my face, told me clean myself up and he was going to the bathroom. I got up, got dressed and came here to Urahara’s shop. Urahara opened the door and helped me inside but then I passed out. That’s what happened.”

            Unohana looked at Isane. “And did you get all of that Lieutenant Isane?”

            “Yes ma’am.”

            Unohana turned to me and snapped her fingers. The Bakudō ended, my arms were my own but I didn’t try to attack her, instead I covered my face as I began to cry. _That was so terrible! I’ve been questioned before, given my statements on events but its never been that bad, that traumatizing!_

            “Now for the physical examination,” was saying Unohana. “Lieutenant Hisagi, please undress completely. I now need to make any record if such an act occurred with the same intensity and pain as you’ve said it has.”

            I slowly lowered my hands and looked at her with watery eyes, I whispered, “Now you’re trying to insinuate that I lied? Or maybe that I exaggerated? What did Captain Muguruma say about it that makes you think I’m a liar?”

            She fixed gloves on her hand, eyes down. “I’m not at liberty to discuss the details of Captain Muguruma’s statement. If you’d please undress Lieutenant Hisagi, I’ll make my assessment of your gigai’s current state, then I’ll be able to make my case to turn into Central 46. This will go much faster if you’d just cooperate. Thank you.”

            I got undressed without another word, I wanted this to be over and I never wanted to see Captain Unohana again. I laid on my stomach, crossed my arms over my head and kept my eyes closed, my face on the floor. I felt her touching me, heard her taking pictures, heard Isane writing, heard them talking over my head and I just couldn’t care anymore. I wanted this over with, I wanted to go somewhere and peacefully die.

            “You may redress Lieutenant Hisagi,” said Captain Unohana after what seemed like ages. “You’ll be contacted about Central 46’s final word once they have finished their deliberation. Come Isane.”

            She left and the door closed.

            I sat up and got dressed, but I saw Lieutenant Isane hadn’t left. I glared at her. “Did you want something else?”

            “Just to apologize,” she said softly. “Its true what Captain Unohana said, there’s a rubric, step by step, on how to question rape victims as decreed by Central 46. She was acting so cold and stiff because that’s what she was told to do. I assure you on the inside she was crying just the way you are.”

            I had nothing to say to that, just turned my face away.

            Lieutenant Isane paused, then said, “I know this is against protocol and I can get in a lot of trouble for even mentioning this to you, but Captain Muguruma’s statement made it sound like you came onto him. He said that you got in the bed naked with the intention of enticing him, that you told him you wanted it and you initiated the entire thing. He said everyone knows that you’re in love with him and now that he finally took you all the way, you got scared and you’re screaming rape because you’re ashamed of yourself. I’ve known you a long time Shūhei and I know you admired him but it didn’t stretch as far to romantic love, no matter how much everyone else teased you. I know that because people do the same thing to me about Captain Unohana. I keep telling them that I’m just in awe of her and wish to become as strong as her, but my peers tell me that I’m a lesbian and want to marry her, even my sister does it. So I understand you completely and I wish I could help you more.”

            I nodded, sniffling as the tears came again. “What do you think Central 46 will say Isane?”

            “They’ll side with the Captain,” she said without hesitation. “First off, he outranks you, so they’ll naturally take a captain’s word over yours in a heartbeat. Secondly, Central 46 just about always blames the victim, believing that if a rape occurs its because the woman is dressed in a way that invites sexual desire then she’s asking for it. Seeing as the record states you got in the bed naked with Captain Muguruma, once they hear that, the deal is pretty much sealed. Captain Muguruma will not be in any way incarcerated or fined. I’m sorry Shūhei, but that’s what I think the final outcome will be.”

            I didn’t say anything at first, my throat stiffened, then I croaked out, “Thank you for being honest. But,” I looked at her, I couldn’t imagine how strained my face was. “Do you think I enticed him? Do you think I asked to be raped?”

            Isane bit her lower lip, then said, “I think you shouldn’t have gotten in the bed with him naked but if you said no, then its no. Captain Muguruma ignored your refusal and took you anyway then he raped you, period. I have to go now Shūhei,” she pecked my forehead. “Good luck and I hope you find a way to be removed from your gigai. Goodbye.”

            She left and I laid back down, curled into a ball and fell asleep.


	4. Revelations

            I woke up so late in the day that Ururu personally woke me up, it was already four in the afternoon. I took another bath, and redressed. She led me into a room and to my horror, Ichigo and his friends were inside. I turned to leave immediately but Urahara took my arms and carefully sat me down on a cushion. I stared into my lap, my hands fisted and my chest was too tight to talk.

            “Seeing as you’re going to be here for a while,” started Urahara, “I didn’t want to keep them in the dark, I’m not a liar, I don’t mind twisting the truth and withholding information, but I don’t straight out lie, especially not to my allies. I told them what happened but said not to bring it up with you unless you mentioned it first. However, I wanted Orihime to examine you with her powers, if maybe she could reverse whatever damage the gigai has been through that’s caused your soul to be locked into it. Do you understand that Hisagi?”

            I nodded, still unable to speak.

            “Oh-okay Lieutenant Hisagi,” Orihime was kneeling in front of me, her hands going up. “I won’t touch you and it won’t hurt. Ready?”

            I nodded again, my throat closing.

            “Ayame, Shun’ō!”

            There was a flash of gold light and two fairies popped into existence. Orihime nodded at them. “I want you to reject the events that happened on Lieutenant Hisagi’s body, so that his soul can become free of the gigai. Think you can do that for me?”

            “HMMM…” They hummed loudly, eyes focused on me.

            It was Shun’ō who shook his head and hovered away from me. “No can do!” He was smiling widely but his eyebrows were creased in worry.

            Then Ayame said, “I won’t do it either! Sorry Orihime!”

            Urahara leaned in. “What? Why did you refuse? You can’t tell me its because you _can’t_ , it sounded like you _won’t_.”

            “You’re right.” Shun’ō rubbed the back of his neck, his expression awkward. “We won’t do it.”

            Orihime stared blankly at them. “B-buh-but why? Guys, he’s stuck in his gigai, it’ll be terrible for him if he doesn’t get out of it soon!”

            “He’ll come out of it,” smiled Ayame. “In about nine months, he’ll come right out of it. Along with the child.”

            The room hushed, abruptly silent. I didn’t move, didn’t speak. _They’re lying._

            Urahara crossed his arms, his nostrils flared. “You’re going to have to explain that. Speak clearly and tell us what the hell you’re talking about.”

            “HMMM!” Shun’ō flew around and around my torso, lower, around my stomach. “You see, there’s an innocent life instead of him. Yes, we are your healing power Orihime and healers never cause harm. We won’t reject the events on Shūhei’s body because it’ll kill the innocent life inside of him.”

            “Hold up though.” Ichigo shook his head, laughing shakily. “Fact is, Shūhei is a _dude_ and last I checked, boys can’t get pregnant. So you’re either lying or you’re wrong.”

            “Its neither,” said Ayame, hovering in front of my stomach. “From what we’re sensing, its Shūhei’s inner ability that’s caused him to get pregnant.”

            I still couldn’t speak, my throat was working, my breathing was growing weaker. I was about to die, just drop dead. _This can’t be true. No, I don’t have an inner ability, that’s a lie._

            Uryu’s brows raised. “By inner ability, you’re talking about like his zanpakutō? Far as I remember, his zanpakutō was a homicidal maniac. You guys are just pulling our legs aren’t you?”

            “Shūhei’s zanpakutō is dual-natured,” explained Shun’ō, he placed his hands on my stomach and closed his eyes, I couldn’t feel what he was doing, I was going to throw up if he didn’t get away from me. “One side of it is darkness, depression and death. The other side is love, laughter and life. Each side fights for dominance, for control. With the semen injected into Shūhei’s body, life was created. Shūhei is pregnant. He cannot leave his gigai for his child is alive inside the gigai, not his soul. The gigai won’t break down while the child is inside. At the time of birth, Shūhei’s soul will be ejected from the gigai and the child will come out with him. That’s at least what we believe.”

            I suddenly spoke as everyone was quietly thinking. “Call back Unohana.” My voice was stern and clear. “And have her remove it.”

            Urahara’s brows went up. “You know damn well that she won’t do that Hisagi. Its just like the fairies said, healers don’t cause harm. Unohana won’t abort your baby.”

            My jaw stiffened, my nails were cutting into my palms as my fists curled tighter. “Then take me to a human doctor who will cut it out of my gigai. Uryu, get Ryuken to do it.”

            “Impossible,” said Uryu coolly. “He wants nothing to do with shinigami, he wouldn’t even hear your case. And besides him, there’s no way we can let a regular human get his hands on you, he’ll be able to see the artificialness of your body. Gigais only make shinigami visible, able to be seen and touched, but if a gigai is cut open for a surgical procedure such as an abortion, it’ll be clear that you’re not actually human. There’s no options for you Hisagi, you’re going to have to give birth.”

            _That’s it!_

            I jumped to my feet, roaring, “YOU CAN’T TELL ME TO GIVE BIRTH!! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME HAVE THAT BASTARD’S BABY!! I DIDN’T ASK FOR IT, I DIDN’T WANT IT AND YOU CAN’T CONTROL ME!! I SAID I DON’T WANT IT, SO TAKE IT OUT!! NOW DAMMIT! TAKE IT OUT NOW!”

            “Just calm down Hisagi,” Urahara tried to get me to sit down but I shoved him back, screaming.

            “DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!! DON’T FUCK WITH ME!! JUST GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!!”

            “I’m sorry to do this,” came Tessai’s voice from behind me then followed a blinding pain at the back of my neck, I dropped to my knees then he hit me again and I flopped forward into darkness.


	5. Decisions

            I woke up with my mind clear, breathing easily, but I remembered everything. Tears pricked sharply then began to roll down. I whispered shakily, “I don’t want this. It’s not fair.”

            “Nothing about this situation is fair,” came the voice from the darkness, the only light was a sliver coming from underneath the window blinds, the door was closed. “I’ve contacted Unohana and told her about your pregnancy, she’s added it to the case file that will be turned into Central 46. I don’t know what they’ll do with that information, everything is up in the air right now.”

            I shook my head, my chest jerked. “I don’t care about the case or Central 46, I care about me and my body and my soul. Urahara, please, you’ve got to find a way to get it out of me. Don’t force me to do this.”

            “I’m not a doctor Hisagi,” he said quietly. “I can’t perform an abortion on you, neither can Tessai and if Yoruichi was here, she also can’t do it. While you were out, we had Uryu call his father and Ryuken refused before hearing the entire story. We also had Isshin consulted and said he wasn’t a child-killer. Unohana of course said no, and she ordered that no one else in her division would be allowed to do so. Our hands are tied Hisagi, you know that Orihime’s powers refused to reject the events if it means killing innocent life. I’m sorry, I really am and I know I can’t feel a centimeter of the pain you’re in but there’s literally nothing you can do. Everyone refused to abort the child and besides you grabbing a knife and cutting yourself open, you’ll just have to stay here for nine months and have his baby. That’s it.”

            I didn’t speak, just closed my eyes. I husked, “Its not fair. I don’t want this. I hate him, I hate him so much.”

            “Yes, its not fair and no one would want this. As for hating him…I think he just made a mistake Hisagi. He was half-asleep when he got started and by the time he woke up, he had you in a certain position that appeals to his libido. He definitely thought about letting you up, you kept telling him to get off you but he remembered how everyone says you’re in love with him and maybe he personally believes that you’re in love with him. So he decided to go ahead and do it anyway, he really didn’t think that your protests were serious or maybe he didn’t care in the first place. I’m not on his side even the littlest bit, I wish I had let Benihime have him while he was here but I didn’t and now I don’t know what’s going to happen. I do wish I could do more to help.”

            I turned my head to the side to see Urahara, he was in far corner just where my head was, sitting down with one leg up, his chin resting on his knee, his arms around his leg. His hat wasn’t on but it was too dark to make out his face anyway, I couldn’t see his expression. Still, I knew he cared, he had been furious about this whole thing from the get-go, he opened up his house to me and if I was actually going to be stuck in a gigai for nine months, this was the only place I could stay.

            I said, “Do you think I asked for it Urahara? You’ve heard the story from multiple angles, do you think I deserved what happened?”

            “Not even in the slightest way did you ask or deserve it,” he said resolutely, with plain belief in his words. “I’ve been around the block many times Hisagi, I’ve seen and done things that you might not ever understand but I do understand and I see clearly what’s happened here. You are innocent and the baby inside of you is innocent. I don’t care if you stripped in front of Kensei and did a nasty little tease, if you then told him no to sex, then that was the end of it, no trying to coerce you, no trying to bully you into it, your answer is absolute, period. And worse, that’s not even what happened. You kept saying no, you screamed, you cried, you pleaded, and he should have listened. Even if he was half-asleep, the moment he woke up and realized what was going on, he should have stopped immediately. He’s the attacker, he’s the one at fault and he should pay for it. I already know what type of people Central 46 are, even if there’s new judges from the ones who falsely accused me of a crime I was set up with, it’s the same type, the same breed of small-minded bigoted pricks who stick to the rules that are unfair, selfish and unjust. Kensei is going to walk, no jail time, no fine, no slap on the wrist. I don’t know what they’ll say for you, if they’ll want you to pay a fine or what, but you’re safe for an entire nine months here in my house and I’ll keep you fed, watered and sheltered until you’ve left your gigai, so don’t worry about the case anymore, just breathe, sleep and take care of your health, alright?”

            I was quiet as I took in all the said, then I nodded, sniffing. “So what do I do Urahara? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”

            “You take it day by day,” he said calmly with only a slight tension to his words, he was thinking something but I didn’t know what. “You wake up, eat, shower, do something to occupy your time, then go to bed. And it repeats, maybe with some variation, but you live, even if its barely eking out an existence, you just keep on trucking. Its really late Hisagi, you should probably close your eyes and try to sleep again.”

            I shook my head, rolling over so I was facing him and I did close my eyes because they were straining trying to see him in the dark. “Talk to me Urahara.”

            “What do you want me to say?”

            “I don’t know, anything. My mind is so scrambled, I’m so anxious. I feel all alone.”

            “Well you’re the farthest thing from being alone and you don’t need to be anxious. Just lay back and understand what happened wasn’t your fault at all, no matter what Central 46 says or what Kensei thinks, you just know and understand and believe that you didn’t ask for it, you didn’t deserve it, and you’re innocent. Make it a mantra if you have to, just keep chanting it because that’s one truth you can depend on. Alright?”

            I nodded, I was feeling a little sleepy now and my heart was being soothed by his kind gentle words. “I’m still sad Urahara. I’m…I’ve been betrayed. I trusted Captain Muguruma with my life, I’ve wanted to follow him and be like him ever since I met him when he saved my life so many years ago. I didn’t love him, not romantically. He was like a father-figure and a superhero all at once, my idol I practically worshipped. As much as I felt for him like that, I never wanted to kiss him or have sex with him, I wasn’t attracted to him like that. If he was feeling that way to me, if he sexually desired me, he never told me. If he had told me, I wouldn’t have been naked in his presence, I wouldn’t have done anything that could have possibly aroused him to have this type of outcome.”

            “That doesn’t matter Hisagi,” said Urahara. “Even if you knew he desired you, it doesn’t matter if you pranced around naked, if you told him no then it meant no and he was supposed to stop. Don’t think thoughts that might make you doubt what happened, that start twisting the blame onto yourself because its not your fault and you didn’t entice him. Even if you _did_ entice him, even if you had worked him up into a lathering drooling frenzy of sexual lust, the moment you told him _N.O._ then that should have been the end of it.”

            For some reason, something clicked inside of me. Urahara was the only one who seemed to take this entire business so personally, he had been furious, screaming, and he kept having these long speeches about how no meant no.

            I opened my eyes, and looked at him, even though I couldn’t see his face. I asked softly, “Do you know someone who was raped Urahara? Besides me I mean. Was it Yoruichi, someone you’re close to?”

            Urahara didn’t answer for such a long time, I thought he was ignoring me, until he said, “Aizen had to have the last laugh, his last hurrah. It was dark in the forest, no one was around and he had already had everything set up for me to be sent to prison for his crimes. With his huge ego, with his constant need to feel like he’s the smartest and the strongest and the best, he wanted to make sure I felt as low and disgusting as possible. It didn’t last long, he didn’t even orgasm, because for Aizen, it wasn’t about sex, it wasn’t about getting his rocks off, it was about power. He wanted to subjugate me, to conquer me in a way that no matter how many decades, centuries, passed, I’d never forget or forgive. It worked, of course it did. I’ve gotten over it, I’m not afraid of men or of sex, I can talk about him without bursting into tears or wanting to scream, yeah, I’ve gotten that healed at least. He’s locked up in jail, I don’t have to ever see him again and I don’t have to think about him at all. So don’t worry about me and my feelings, I’m fine. Right now, you need to focus on yourself and on healing. I can admit, I didn’t get pregnant, I have no idea how this is going to work out, but that’s the future, we need to deal with the present right now. Go ahead and sleep Hisagi, its okay to sleep.”

            I nodded and yawned, my eyes closed and I pulled the comforter up to my chin, I shivered as I got a sudden chill. “Will you stay with me Urahara?”

            “Probably all night. I’m thinking about this situation, I couldn’t sleep if I wanted to. Might as well sit here and watch over you.”

            “Thank you.”

            I didn’t hear his reply, already sleeping.


	6. Friends

            In the morning, I realized I must have really slept deep, because there was a table and a small dresser in the room. The dresser had clothes inside of it, the table had a lamp, a box of tissues and a notebook. Ururu didn’t wake me up this time and take me to the bath, I guess now that I was no longer a guest but living here she didn’t need to give me special treatment.

            So I got up and went to the bathroom on my own. There was a small tub of toiletries, it had my name scribbled along the side. I used the facilities and got dressed, then heard voices.

            I peeked in a slightly cracked door, it was Urahara, Tessai and Yoruichi. I knocked on the wall.

            Urahara gestured me to come in, he had on a small smile but it was Yoruichi who leapt up and was hugging me tight to her. I hugged her back until she moved away and helped me sit down. She pulled her legs up to her chest, clasping onto her calves.

            Yoruichi asked, “Are you okay Shūhei?”

            I nodded, somehow a smile twitched my lips. “Yes, I’m all healed now. I’m just…I’m still reeling, you know? Some part of me doesn’t believe it, I’m confused. Now before I can even wrap my head around that my beloved Captain raped me, I’ve got to choke down the fact that I’m pregnant. Its like I can’t catch a break.”

            Yoruichi nodded and looked at me with shimmery gold eyes. “We are going to do every single thing possible to make you as comfortable as you can be here Shūhei. I’m not saying we’ll wait on you hand and foot, but you are a part of our family now and we’ll take care of you, so don’t worry about anything. I’ve heard that you sleep a long time, that’s good, you need to gather your rest because you won’t be able to sleep so easily later on.”

            I sat up straighter, eyes wide. “I-I won’t? But why? What will happen?”

            Tessai answered. “As the pregnancy progresses and you start getting symptoms, as well as gaining weight, you just won’t be comfortable enough to sleep peacefully. Nausea, backaches, itchy skin, I’ll make sure you’re educated about what’s to come.”

            “Whoo…” I breathed out slow from my mouth and held my head, looking at the table in the center of the room, it had a lot of papers on it, along with a calculator. “So its that easy huh? Orihime’s freaking fairies say I’m pregnant, so we all believe it? We didn’t _see_ any baby, my stomach isn’t any bigger.”

            Yoruichi said, “You’re not far enough along before your stomach will get big enough to see, you’ll need to be at least twelve weeks. You’re like…two days along.”

            I nodded, suddenly emotions rushed up my throat and I was sobbing, loud distressed wailing and I didn’t know how to stop. I was just so upset! I didn’t ask for this! How can my life change so drastically? One day I’m Lieutenant Hisagi on a routine mission to the Human World, now I’m a knocked up baby momma of my own captain who raped me! You can’t make this stuff up, this can’t be real life!

            “There, there,” Yoruichi patted my back while pressing a tissue to my sopping face. “I understand, I hear all your points and you can go ahead and cry, cry nice and loud and long, get it all out. Once you’re done crying, we can keep talking about what’s next.”

            So I did cry, and I used up an entire box of tissues until finally the tears slowed and I sniffed, calming down and I felt better, a lot better.

            “Blow,” said Yoruichi, holding up a rag and I blew, cleaning out my sinuses and I rubbed at my face with my sleeve, breathing in slowly and calmly.

            Then I looked up and shakily smiled. “Thank you for letting me cry. I didn’t know I had all of that pent up inside of me.”

            “Its fine,” said Urahara, smiling a little back. “Now, what we were talking about when we came in, was figuring out how a pregnant woman could pull her own weight.”

            I glared him. “Did you just call me a woman? Take that back!”

            Urahara put his hands up. “I’m sorry Hisagi but its just that if someone is pregnant, they have to be female. You’re a woman in my eyes now, you just are. If it bothers you, I’ll try not to say it where you can hear me, okay?”

            I didn’t like it, not at all but Tessai was saying, “Right now Hisagi you can do things like sweeping, and doing dishes, things that aren’t so taxing, maybe help sorting the mail and restocking the shelves. We’ll deal with what you can do when you’re bigger once we get to it.”

            I had to interject. “Whoa, wait, so that’s it? There’s no way to abort the pregnancy? That’s not an option?”

            Yoruichi gave me a sympathetic look. “The only person I was able to find willing to do it was Captain Kurotsuchi. However you know his policy on treating his “subjects” and we can’t trust him to take care of the gigai. If he starts cutting and pulling out pieces of you, who knows what type of shape you’ll be in, he might kill you and if your gigai dies while you’re locked inside, you die too. So we turned him down in your place.”

            I was annoyed but she was right. I sighed and looked at my lap before looking back up at them. “So what’s going on with the case?”

            “The files were turned in earlier this morning,” said Urahara. “It can take anywhere from two weeks to over a month for Central 46 to come out with their decision. As much as we feel they’ll open and shut the case, they’ll still take the time to deliberate and read all the information.”

            I looked between Yoruichi and Tessai. “Do you think that the courts will just say that it was my fault because I enticed him and not punish Captain Kensei at all? Really?”

            My heart sunk as they both made faces, but then nodded.

            Tessai said, “I’ve dealt with Central 46 before, I know how they think. I’ve heard the statements myself, I saw the documents and the pictures. Its clear that sex was had, Muguruma says you came onto him, ah…” He sighed and _shrugged._ “I just can’t see them deciding it was rape, especially seeing as the statements note that you got naked in the bed with him. That’s enough for them to say you were inviting it.”

            My jaw dropped but then I collected myself and whispered harshly, “So everyone really thinks I asked for it.”

            “No, not even a little bit.” Urahara looked at me firmly. “No one but Kensei and the courts think that. Kensei is so full of himself he thought your no meant yes, there’s no getting around the fact he doesn’t believe he raped you. As for Central 46, they’re known for siding with who has the most power, the most money and the higher-rank. For them, the cards are stacked against you and in Kensei’s favor. The rest of us have eyes and a sane brain in our heads, we know it was rape but we have no say and we can see the outcome. Didn’t I tell you to stop thinking about the case? It’ll take care of itself, what we need is for you to take care of yourself.”

            I nodded, but I said, “I just can’t understand why they’d decide it was my fault.”

            “We told you,” said Yoruichi. “Because Kensei is a captain and probably because you got in the bed naked, they’re going to go with what he says and they’ll feel you invited the act. Simple as that.”

            “I hate it,” I growled, my fingers curling into fists.

            “We all do,” said Tessai with a slow nod. “Now its no longer the point. You’ll be living with us for at least nine months Hisagi, so we’ve got some furniture in your room and Yoruichi went minor clothes shopping for you. Urahara and I were working through our bills and such, seeing how much we can pay you for doing chores and needed help around the house.”

            My eyes widened. “Whoa, you want to pay me? But-”

            Urahara cut me off. “If you’re pulling your weight, there’s no reason you won’t deserve a little money. Besides, you’ll be wanting to buy things for yourself so that’ll enable you to do that.” Then his head tilted to the side and he stood up. “We have visitors. Stay here.” He left.

            I bit my lower lip, worried, then I looked up at footsteps. I gasped. “R-Renji? I-Izuru? W-whuh are you guys doing here?”

            “Shūhei!” Izuru Kira cried out and looked like he was about to dive-tackle me but Renji snatched him around his arms and heaved him back before he could.

            “He’s pregnant you idiot!” He knocked Kira around the head. “You could have hurt him and the baby! Cool your heels dude!”

            I stood up and held out my arms as I walked forward, I wanted to be hugged. Kira hugged me close to him but because he was so small and thin and smelt like permissions, he didn’t scare me at all. But when Renji tried to hug me, he was tall, muscular and heavy, I jerked back, nearly running to the opposite side of the room.

            “Whoa calm down Shūhei,” Yoruichi caught me and sat me down. “Just breathe, you know Renji, you know he wasn’t going to hurt you.”

            I nodded, my heart was still beating. “Y-yeah, I know. I just got…startled. Um, what are you guys doing here? How did you know about me?”

            Kira’s brows went up high. “Shūhei, its all over the entire Seireitei. Literally everyone knows, its all anyone is talking about. The Captain-Commander put Captain Kensei on an indefinite forced vacation, so now Division Nine has no captain or lieutenant, I heard it’s a real mess over there. Renji and I came because we’re very worried about you and we’re tired of hearing the rumors, we want to know the truth.”

            I looked at my hands, my fingers were shaking. I flexed them quickly but the shaking didn’t stop. I swallowed hard and then spoke, “The Captain raped me.”

            “But why?” Renji sounded bewildered. “I mean, if he asked you for sex wouldn’t you just go with it?”

            I slowly lifted my head and stared at him. “What did you say?”

            Renji paled a little but he said, “I figured that if Captain Muguruma was ever to ask you to go to bed with him that you’d say yes. I’m just a little shocked that you’re saying it was rape, I never would have thought that.”

            _He’s ignorant, he doesn’t know. Renji was the main one to rib me about being in love with the Captain, no matter how many times I protested or insisted that wasn’t true, he just loved to laugh about it. So I can’t expect him to understand now._

            Understanding that, I spoke calmly. “I’ve never been sexually attracted to the Captain, I wasn’t romantically in love with him at all. We were in the bed together but he was sleeping. Once I laid down, he grabbed me and starting touching me. I tried and failed to get him off me, he’s stronger than me and we were in gigais, I didn’t have any reiatsu or my zanpakutō to fight back with. He was sleep at first, but woke up in the middle of it. I told him to get off me, to let me up but he refused and forced himself on me. Once he was finished and he left me alone, I came here to Urahara’s shop for help. He’s opened his arms to me and done everything possible to make me feel cared for and safe. It turns out that I’ve been impregnated by the Captain, something to do with the dual-nature and special ability of my zanpakutō. Due to the fact that I’ve become pregnant while in my gigai, I can’t leave the gigai until the birth of the child. I’ll admit I tried to get an abortion at first but that turned out to be impossible. So for at least nine months, I’ll be living here. Now, does that satisfy your curiosity?”

            Kira’s face fell at my sharp tone. “Hey, Shūhei, don’t be like that. I’m not here to gawk at you or something, I was going crazy with not knowing what had happened to you. I mean, look at it from our side. You left with Captain Kensei on a mission, then he comes back alone and Captain Unohana is talking about he’s under suspicion of rape and you never came back and Isane told us that you’ve been impregnated. Rumors started to fly like mad and you still hadn’t come back yet. I was coming to see you no matter what, but I didn’t want to go alone and I got Renji to come with me. I’m worried about you Shūhei, I really am. I mean, you spoke so calmly, are you alright?”

            I nodded, feeling better now that he had explained. “I had my temper tantrums and I had my cry just before you got here. I’m calm now, I’m healing and moving forward.”

            “I still don’t get it,” said Renji, looking stupidly confused. “Captain Muguruma said that you invited him into sex and once he took you up on it, you got scared and now you’re lying about being raped. He seems to really mean that, now you’re saying he forced you. I mean, which one is it?”

            I was really going to deck this idiot. “It was rape Renji, period. I told him no, I kept telling him to stop and get off me, I begged him not to do it but he refused and had sex with me anyway, disregarding my protests. Urahara explained to me how Captain Kensei saw it and I understand his angle a bit more but the cold truth is that I told him _no_ and he didn’t listen, he took me anyway. It was rape, nothing else you can call it.”

            Renji nodded without speaking, but he averted his eyes to the side. I had the sharp aching feeling that he didn’t believe me, that he was on Captain Kensei’s side and it hurt me, it cut me.

            Kira looked between us then looked at me. “Well, I believe you Shūhei. The clear rule of rape is that if the person, man or woman, says no and the offender takes them anyway, then its rape. So if you say that he came onto you, you refused but he had sex with you after you said no, then he raped you, end of story. But, what’s this about you being pregnant? You’re a man, aren’t you Shūhei?”

            That part I still didn’t truly understand myself but I couldn’t communicate with Kazeshini while in my gigai. I answered the best I could. “I was told by Orihime’s powers that my zanpakutō was dual-natured, holding both life and death inside of it. When Captain Kensei’s semen came inside of me, life was created. I don’t get it, I don’t know how I can have a baby without a womb, but I just have to accept it.”

            Renji’s brows twisted. “Wait a minute…so Orihime’s little fairies tell you that you’re pregnant…and you just believe it? I mean, did you even _see_ the baby inside of you?”

            I had to shake my head. “We all believed what they said. It’ll take me at least twelve weeks to start showing, so I guess we’ll wait until then. They said that I’m locked into my gigai until I give birth, Urahara tried everything to get my soul of it but I’m stuck inside for nine months. I’ll be living here until then.”

            Kira raised his hand. “I still have some efficiency with healing Kido, maybe I could see if they’re right or not.”

            I nodded eagerly, maybe they were wrong, and I lifted up my shirt. Right there, with a small bulge, was my stomach pushing out.

            Kira lowered his hand. “Never mind, its pretty obvious.”

            I glared at him but it was more of a pout and jerked my shirt down, crossing my arms moodily. _Damn…_

            Then I looked up. “If Captain Kensei’s telling everyone I lied about being raped, what is he doing then?”

            Renji shrugged a shoulder. “He’s on forced vacation, so no one sees him anymore. This is the biggest scandal since I don’t know when, its crazy over in the Seireitei. So now you’re pregnant, what’s the next step Shūhei?”

            I answered. “I’m taking it day by day. I wake up, dress, eat, and I just have to occupy my time until I go back to sleep, then it repeats. There’s nothing else I can do.”

            Kira’s face crumpled. “That’s so sad Shūhei, so unfair. Maybe you should do something that’s more fulfilling, something to make you happy.”

            I shook my head, I looked down at my hands and they were still shaking, was it stress, nerves, anxiety, I didn’t know. I said quietly, “I can’t be happy when things are like this Izuru. Right now, I’m focusing on breathing, on keeping my head above water, not crying and throwing tantrums. Being happy is the farthest thing on my mind.”

            Yoruichi spoke up when the both of them looked confused. “Try and understand what Shūhei is saying. He was only raped two days ago, he needs more time to even come to terms with what happened, being happy really isn’t a possibility at the moment. He seems calm and relaxed right now, it took a while to get him to this state and as his pregnancy progresses, it won’t last. Thank you for coming to see him, I know it made him feel even the slightest bit happier to see people he knows he can trust after being betrayed so drastically.”

            Renji touched his forehead, his eyes closed for a moment. “Betrayed? I’m really at a loss here.”

            I didn’t want to hear whatever ignorant thing he had said. I tried not to growl at him as I said, “Captain Kensei betrayed my trust and my feelings for him Renji. After what he’s done, I hate him and I can’t ever forgive him. How many times did I say I wasn’t in love with him? I never once confessed love for Captain Kensei, but he clearly heard all the jokes and rumors about it, he heard it enough that he began to believe it and that’s why he didn’t stop when I told him to. I just don’t understand what you’re not getting Renji. I said no, he forced me, it means rape, period, end of discussion. What’s your deal?”

            Renji didn’t answer, just shook his head, his eyes lowered. It was quiet then Tessai said, “Well, thank you boys for coming, but we have some things to talk over with Lieutenant Hisagi. You can come back and visit at a later date.”

            We stood up and I let Izuru hug me, but I didn’t want to hug Renji, he was too tall, too hard, it was frightening.

            Izuru held my hands and looked at me with his calm blue eye. “You’re going to be just fine Shūhei, you’re strong, courageous and brave, something like this is terrible and it would destroy a lesser man, but you’ll come through it. So don’t worry, you’ll come out on top, you always do.”

            I nodded and thanked him, I got another hug, then the two left. I sat down and shook my head, I felt tired.

            “You can go take a nap,” said Yoruichi, patting my shoulder with a smile. “We’re still talking over finances, we’ll let you know the final answer.”

            I nodded and went back to my room. I laid down on my futon and fell asleep.

* * *

            I was shaken awake by Jinta, I hadn’t seen him this whole time. He crossed his arms as I sat up, his young gruff voice said, “Its dinner time Hisagi. Its not good to sleep all day, you were just supposed to nap.”

            I stretched, my back ached. “I guess I was more tired than I realized.”

            He shrugged and stood up. “Well wash your hands and face then come to eat.”

            He left and I did as told. Dinner was very good, but my stomach was curdling like I wasn’t going to keep it down.

            Yoruichi looked knowing. “Looks like the pregnancy symptoms are starting.”

            My eyes widened. “What are the symptoms?”

            “Nausea, dizziness, headaches, fatigue, frequent urination,” listed Tessai. “It might be scary as your body starts changing Hisagi but you aren’t to worry, we’re all here to look after you and help you. Alright?”

            I nodded and pain sliced through my forehead, I clutched and muttered darkly, “I want revenge.”

            They all chuckled but I really meant it. Captain Kensei needed to _pay_ for this. Everything was his fault and he needed to be punished. I knew I couldn’t do anything now, but once I was back in my regular shinigami form, once I had my zanpakutō, I was going to beat the living daylights out of him.


	7. Central 46

            It was decided that my chores for the meantime would be with restocking and re-shelving in the front shop, as well as working the cash register if Urahara or Tessai weren’t available. Ururu was very kind and gentle with me, almost treating me like I was a baby but I accepted it, I didn’t mind. Jinta was abrupt but polite, I felt the situation had offended him on a personal level but he didn’t seem to be angry with me.

            Like they said, the symptoms had arrived. I didn’t eat breakfast anymore, I tried at first but I kept throwing it back up, then just the smell of it was enough to make me hurl. I felt better to eat around lunchtime but that’s also the time when I started to get a headache, a squeezing pain on both sides of my head, sometimes it clenched at the back of my neck. So I had to nap through it, so lunch time was both eating/naptime. After lunch, I felt mostly better besides some slight dizziness when I moved too quickly.

            Through the entire day I definitely suffered from frequent urination, having to go several times in one hour, and when I slept I woke up at least twice to go in the middle of the night. Yet somehow, this life had become a new sense of normal. It was absolutely nothing like the life I had back in the Seireitei, being the Lieutenant of Division Nine, working at the Seireitei Communication, handling reports and going on missions, nope, none of that anymore.

            I cleaned off the countertop and wiped down the cash register. It had been three weeks here at Urahara shop and no word from Central 46. Urahara kept telling me to stop thinking about it but I did find myself standing around with it on my mind. Everyone said that Captain Kensei was going to walk but that wasn’t fair, couldn’t they open their eyes and _see_ that it was rape? Was it really that simple that because he was a captain and I got in the bed naked means I asked for it? In what world does that make sense?

            “Yo, Shūhei.”

            I looked up and saw it was Ichigo entering. He tossed me a laidback smile. “You feeling alright?”

            I nodded, folding up the cloth and putting it to the side. “Yes, I’m alright. I feel better after I’ve eaten and had a nap.”

            A smile twitched over Ichigo’s face but he dropped it.

            My eyes narrowed. “What’s so funny Kurosaki?”

            He put his hands up. “Whoa, chill. I was just, well, it was kinda amusing to hear you talking about taking a nap. I mean, lieutenants don’t take naps, I don’t even take naps anymore. I wasn’t laughing at you, honestly.”

            I sighed and leaned on the counter, eyes lowering. “I’m not really the lieutenant anymore Ichigo. If I’m going to be here for nine months, they can’t just not have anyone in a position of authority. I’m pretty sure they must have gotten new people to take my place.”

            Ichigo crossed his arms tight over his chest. “Of course you’re lieutenant Shūhei and once you go back to the Seireitei you’ll be the lieutenant like normal. Nothing will change that.”

            I was surprised he didn’t understand. I looked at him. “Ichigo, you do realize I’m _pregnant_ , right? What do you think happens after I give birth, the baby just disappears, or maybe takes care of itself? I’ll be a mother, I’ll have to raise him or her. I don’t know about you, but I can’t see myself handling a lieutenant’s duties _and_ raising a newborn at the same time. Can you see me charging off to battle a Hollow with a baby strapped to my chest? Come on, think a little Ichigo.”

            His brow furrowed, he was thinking then he said, “Well, you can get a babysitter, or maybe a nursery school? And seeing as you were so upset about having the baby in the first place, you can put him or her up to for adoption, problem solved.”

            I totally hadn’t thought about that. “Adoption…?”

_That’s Captain Kensei’s baby, his son or daughter, and its ME who’s carrying the child. Yes I wasn’t in love with him, yes I wasn’t attracted to him, but yet its me having his baby. I don’t even know what he feels, what if he wants his child with him, what if he wants to raise the baby himself? I can’t just give him away without knowing that._

            I answered quietly, “I don’t think I’ll do that either. I…I have to talk to Captain Kensei and find out what he wants to do about the baby before I can just decide to give up for adoption.”

            Ichigo’s brows went really high. “Yet you had decided to abort without even thinking about it for a second.”

            I glared at him, snapping hotly, “Yeah well I was very distressed Ichigo! It was bad enough that I was raped but then to have to have a baby that I never even asked for was just double the agony! So don’t stand there and judge me like you know something because you DON’T!”

            “Hey stop it Hisagi,” Urahara was standing in front of me, his hand calm on my chest. “Don’t yell at Ichigo, he wasn’t trying to hurt you. Ichigo, be a little more considerate, alright? Hisagi is still coming to terms, give him some space. What can I do you for anyway?”

            “Nothing,” he said. “I came to talk to Shūhei, see how he was holding up. Seems like he’s still kinda weepy.”

            _Weepy? Did he just call me weepy?_

            Urahara grunted. “Ichigo, don’t name-call please.”

            Ichigo actually smiled. “I wasn’t name-calling, I was honestly worried. I was talking to my dad about pregnancy, it was really scary, things like bloating and gas and swelling,” he was paling even as he said it. “I just wanted to make sure that Shūhei was alright. I thought I’d find him a real mess but he looks normal so far.”

            I had to laugh, this kid didn’t get it but he had his heart set right. “Yeah, thanks Ichigo. I’m experiencing a few symptoms but it’ll be a while before I start physically changing. I’m glad you cared enough to come see me though.”

            Ichigo nodded and saluted me with a nice smile. “Yup, that’s me. Seeing as you’re alright then I guess I better be off. Later.”

            Urahara waved and I said, “Until next time.”

            Ichigo left.

            Urahara turned to me. “I just got a letter from Central 46. I want you to read it before anyone else, we can inform the gang at a later time. So come on to the back.”

            I swallowed hard and followed him, my heart beating. Yoruichi was there, Tessai wasn’t.

            She held up the letter. “Mail.”

            “Thank you,” I said quietly, sitting down and I saw it had the Central 46 symbol stamped on it, along with my name and the words CONFIDENTIAL, FINAL WORDS. My stomach wiggled, but I opened it and began to read outloud.

            “To Shūhei Hisagi, former Lieutenant of Division Nine, enclosed are the final words and decision of Central 46.”

            I had to pause, because it was clear that I had been fired without even a warning, and now I was about to read my own fate. Urahara put a hand on my shoulder and I breathed, then kept reading aloud.

            “After deliberating on the information set forth to us, including your statement, Captain Kensei Muguruma’s statement, Captain Retsu Unohana’s reports and the case files, following are our final words. First, Captain Muguruma did not commit the crime of rape, its clear the sex act was invited and willing on both parties.”

            I stopped talking as my jaw tightened and I couldn’t see as tears blurred my vision. _Fucking assholes._

            Urahara took the letter from me as my shaking hands dropped it, and he kept reading out loud. “Secondly, its immoral and shameless for two high-ranking officers such as yourself and Captain Muguruma to have a baby out of wedlock.” Urahara suddenly stopped speaking.

            Yoruichi said, “Say it out loud Kisuke. He needs to know.”

            I wasn’t breathing, my heart stopped, but Urahara said, “And our word is that once you are able to return to the Soul Society, you will be bound in a lawful and consummated marriage to Captain Muguruma until the child is at such an age to take care of him or herself. There will be no lawsuit or follow-up case, we have ended this situation and decision is set. Central 46.”

            I covered my face and I was sobbing. I don’t want to marry Captain Kensei!! He raped me, he mocked me, he desecrated me then impregnated me!! There’s no WAY I’ll marry him, never!

            I was hugged tight then my head rocked with pain and I suddenly passed out.


	8. Surprise Visit

            I was woken up again, this time by Yoruichi, who whispered, “Hurry and wash your face Shūhei. Come quickly.” She looked anxious, eyes a little wide, nostrils flared.

            I nodded and she waited outside the door while I washed my face and she took my hand, she squeezed in a way like to give me strength and walked me to the meeting room. Inside, sitting on a cushion, was Captain Kensei Muguruma. He was wearing his shihakusho complete with his captain’s haori, leaving me to believe that _he_ hadn’t been fired and was back to work.

            My body froze and as he looked at me with his steely brown eyes, I was unable to speak.

            “Shūhei." He said my name firmly. “I hear you’re pregnant, is that true?”

            I nodded, swallowing but my throat was dry.

            “Come and sit.” Urahara gestured me forward and Yoruichi sat me down, Kensei was across and to the left of me, with Tessai on his right and Urahara across from me, Yoruichi was next to me on Kensei’s side. With this way, he couldn’t attack me without having to go through the three of them first.

            Urahara looked at me. “Kensei has been informed of the decision that has been made, he came to talk to you personally. I told him that we weren’t leaving him alone with you, but if you want to have some privacy, we’ll leave the room and we’ll be waiting outside if you need us. Its completely up to you.”

            I thought about it. I knew I wasn’t _afraid_ of Kensei per se, even though he raped me he hadn’t tried to beat me up or been too rough, he just had sex with me without my permission. Also, I knew Kensei had a dirty mouth, I really didn’t them to hear some of the nasty things I was sure he was going to say. Besides, he wouldn’t be able to pin me down and rape me again, they would stop him.

            I nodded. “Privacy please. If I need help, I’ll call for you.”

            Urahara looked upset but Tessai took his arm, so they all got up and left, leaving me with Kensei.

            Kensei’s bulky arms crossed and a hard smirk took his face. “So…Shūhei…I raped you huh?” From the tone of his voice, how his eyes slitted, he was all geared up to argue with me.

            I lifted my chin. “Yes, you did rape me. I already know that you think it was otherwise and the courts have sided with you, so there’s really no point in going over it.”

            He thudded his hand on the table, it cracked but didn’t break. “Don’t you fuck with me Shūhei!” I flinched back at his raised voice. “No _point_ in going over it? You really screwed over my career you dumbass! I’ve been talked about behind my back, my coworkers think I’m a rapist, my subordinates act like I’ll attack them if they take their eyes off me! Now there’s shit like you’re pregnant? How the HELL are you pregnant when you’re a man? So don’t you fucking tell me there’s no point when there is one! I _raped_ you? Fuck I did! Shit Shūhei, you’re a nasty piece of work you know that?”

            “SHUT UP!” I shouted at him, my ears burning red. “I don’t give a shit what’s going on in your life, think about me for a minute! Here I am, peacefully trying to go to sleep when you grab me, hold me down then force yourself on me! How many times did I tell you to get off me? How many times did I say I didn’t want it?? HUH?! You took me anyway Kensei, you raped me, plain and simple! Now I’m stuck in my gigai because my zanpakutō’s dual ability of life and death made me pregnant! I’ve been fired from being a lieutenant! My entire world has changed so YOU stop being a dumbass and think about someone other than yourself, like me and your baby!”

            The room went abruptly quiet, Kensei’s jaw was flexing and he looked away from me, his mouth tight. He let out a heavy breath and spoke first. “So your zanpakutō made you pregnant, is that what you said?”

            I was annoyed that he disregarded the rest of what I said, but I nodded. “According to the human girl’s powers, my zanpakutō is dual-natured, life and death inside of it at the same time. When your semen entered me, life was created, our child. Because I got pregnant in the gigai, I can’t leave the gigai until its time to give birth.”

            Kensei nodded then said, “Can’t you abort it Shūhei? If you abort it, there’ll be no reason to get married. So just do that.”

            I looked at the table, not sure if I felt anguish or anger or relief or whatever, I just felt full of emotion and tears pricked. “I already tried to arrange an abortion, its not possible. I have to have the baby Kensei, the only option left is putting him or her up for adoption.”

            Kensei sighed. “Really? Just adoption? Why can’t you get someone to just cut you open and throw it out? You’re in a gigai, right? Get that tool Urahara to do it.”

            I stared at him. “What did you just call him? Kensei, maybe you didn’t know this but Urahara has done more for me in this past month then you could possibly imagine or understand. So don’t call him names like that, ever.”

            Kensei, looking irritated, gave me a firm look. “Stop Shūhei, enough. First off, I don’t care that you’re not my lieutenant but you are still in my division so you’ll call me Captain at all times, understood? And secondly, you don’t talk to me any which way you want, you’ll treat me with respect. Thirdly, I can call him whatever the hell I want to call him, tool being one of the more polite ones so watch your mouth, got that Shūhei?”

            My teeth gritted, I didn’t like his tone at all nor did I care for his words. Still, I said, “I understand Captain Kensei. Forgive me. However the fact remains that we’re going to be married within nine months time, as soon as I’m able to leave the gigai and I’ll have a baby who’ll come out with me.”

            Kensei crossed his arms, watching how the muscles bunched, I remembered how he held me down, how _strong_ he was. Kensei had never once used his strength against me, since I was a kid he had protected me. Now the one time I depended on him, he betrayed me.

            I looked away from him, the tears that had pricked were sliding down now.

            Kensei grunted roughly. “You always were a crybaby Shūhei, didn’t matter if you were happy, sad, hurt or just fine, you start crying. Now here we are, I didn’t lay a finger on you and you’re crying.”

            My fists clenched and I looked at him sharply. “You laid more than a finger on me _Captain_ Kensei.” I’ve never heard my voice so venomous and never before directed at him, my Captain, my hero.

            Kensei’s eyes narrowed. “Didn’t I say watch the way you talk to me?”

            I cringed back at first, then shot at him, “I’m not the lieutenant and seeing as I don’t even _live_ in the Seireitei, I’m not in your division either! I can talk to you whichever way I want to Kensei!”

            He stood up abruptly, I shouted, “URAHARA!!”

            They all came in and surrounded me but Kensei was heading towards the door, he said over his shoulder, “He can stay here and rot for all I care. I’m not marrying him and I don’t give a damn about his bastard. I’m going back, bye.”

            He was gone and I heard the Senkaimon opening and closing.

            I sighed and slumped onto the floor.

            _Damn you Kensei._


	9. Carry On

             After the surprise visit that ended in a disaster, life just had to keep carrying on. I was showing now, at twelve weeks like Yoruichi had said. Tessai didn’t want me bending to restock, so now I just swept, washed dishes, folded clothes and attended the cash register. I hadn’t ever felt so wifely before but if I was the wife, Urahara was definitely the husband. I didn’t know the man had the capacity to be so kind, I mean, as long as I had known him he was cryptic, cynical and actually could be cruel at times. To me, he was showing a whole new side of himself, an aspect to his personality I didn’t know existed. He also helped me sit and stand, even though I wasn’t so big I couldn’t do it myself. If I showed the slightest sign of discomfort, he wanted me to go lay down and he’d send in Ururu with tea or a washcloth for my forehead. He made me feel so cared for, which was a salve to the pain Kensei’s callousness had caused.

            Ichigo and his friends came over often, Orihime cooked for me and I wondered if it was the baby or her amazing food that was causing me to gain weight. Isshin was something like my obstetrician, because while Urahara knew about gigais, he knew nothing about pregnancy and Tessai wasn’t a doctor while Ryuken refused to have anything to do with me. Unohana had her own division to lead, she couldn’t come back all the time. Isshin was very friendly and joked around to make me feel better, which worked. He admitted that the gigai was unnatural but it was making the pregnancy as normal as possible, so he was able to help to a degree. Uryu brought over books from the library like _My First Pregnancy_ and _Having A Baby for Dummies_. I read them eagerly, I had to know what I was up against.

            So I wake up today, I’m seventeen weeks pregnant and I’m feeling something like butterflies fluttering in my stomach, quick, jittery. I placed a hand on my stomach, closing my eyes and yes, there was life there, breathing in and out, heartbeat racing, blood rushing, I really was pregnant and it was Kensei’s baby. As my tears flowed, I could hear him jeering me for being a crybaby.

            I had loved Kensei, I really did and I still did. It hadn’t been romantic love, it had been admiration, respect, things like that and while those feelings had faded, I hated him but loved him too. And that’s how I could tell my inner ability, my feelings, were dual-natured. Myself, the way I was, I was calm and mature and didn’t like confrontation. My zanpakutō was wild, loved to fight and kill. That’s how I was split in half, I loved Kensei and hated him at the same time. That’s why when Kensei was doing something as evil as rape to me, I was going to have his baby. That’s why I hated that I was pregnant but I already knew I loved my baby. I had both death and depression, both life and laughter. The kicker was which one prevailed, which one was the stronger. My zanpakutō was completely dark, and my personality was light. Now I wondered what my baby would be like.

            I sat up as the feelings faded, I didn’t sense movement, maybe she had gone to sleep. Yes, I bet it was a girl, seeing as I was a boy and so was Kensei, we should have daughter.

            The door was knocked on, then opened, Urahara peeked in.

           “Good morning Hisagi.” He smiled kindly and my heart gave a soft pulse. “Its going on eleven, we let you sleep in but Isshin is here, he wants to check up on you, so get showered and come to the meeting room, okay?”

            I nodded. “Okay, I’ll be there.”

            He closed the door and left.

            I slowly got up from the bed, I wasn’t that big yet but I could feel the extra weight. I showered, dressed in a loose pants and a snug t-shirt, fitting to my round rise and went to the meeting room. Isshin was there, he was causally dressed with a jacket and a bag of equipment. He grinned to see me.

            “Hey Shūhei!” He held up his hand and I clapped it. “You’re looking very fit, Urahara’s been taking good care of you.”

            I blushed and looked down. “Yes, he has. I’m very grateful.”

            “Okay sit down and let me look you over,” he took out a stethoscope from his bag.

            The checkup went well, Isshin closed up his bag, saying, “You’re healthy as a horse Shūhei and the baby’s vital signs were perfect. Give it another five months and you’ll have a baby and your soul form right as rain.”

            I let out a shaking breath. “Its been four months already?”

            Isshin nodded, placing his hands on his waist. “That’s right and you’ve been like a champ this entire time. Trust me, there is no one laughing at you or looking down at you. You’ve been through something really tough and you’re handling it very well. That’s it for me, I’ll see you another time. Keep your chin up Shūhei.”

            He gently rubbed my chin then left with a wave and a smile.

            Urahara came in the room, saying, “Good?”

            I nodded, “It was good. Urahara…” I didn’t know how to word this. “Am I strange? Like…I’ve just accepted this. Shouldn’t I send a letter to Central 46, demanding they change their mind?”

            Urahara rubbed at his chin, the bristles there made scratching sounds as his palm passed over them. “I hear what you’re saying and the answer is you’ve come a long way Shūhei. Its not like you woke up and just peacefully settled into your new life. You cried, you threw temper tantrums, you were physically ill. You had to work and adjust and come to terms. You’re the furthest from strange Shūhei, you’re strong. Just keep doing what you’re doing, alright?”

            I nodded and heard the ringing as someone came to the shop. “I’ll get back to work then.”

            Urahara’s hand gently touched my waist as I walked by and a frisson went down my back, I tossed him a smile over my shoulder and went to the cashier register just as a young boy was about to bang on the ringer. My heart was in my throat and beating like it was going to try and escape.

_What was that right now? That feeling when he touched me. I wasn’t afraid, no, not at all. Urahara, he means so much to me, he’s done things for me I could never pay back._

            I rung up the boy’s purchases and decided to clean up the shop, just rearranging some stock and dusting.

            _Only five months left to live like this. Once its up, I’ll be forced into marriage with Kensei. I don’t want to…never will I want to be with Kensei again._


	10. Stay With Me

             If I had any doubts I was pregnant before, I definitely knew now. It wasn’t even my aching back, or how long it took me to stand out of my futon, but smaller things. My hair was thicker and shinier, it looked like the pelt of a mink or other soft silky furred animal. My skin was a healthy pink and actually did have what Isshin told me was the proverbial “glow” of pregnancy. I had stretch marks, around my hips and thighs, they were a dark pink and itched badly. I was embarrassed but I mentioned it to Ururu, too ashamed to tell Urahara. She got me a moisturizing lotion that while it didn’t make my skin stop stretching, at least it stopped itching.

            “You’re coming along just fine Shūhei,” said Isshin, another check-up complete. “You’re twenty-two weeks along, or five months. I think its time you come to my office so I can do an ultrasound. You want to see your baby, learn the gender and all that, right?”

            My heart leapt at the idea of seeing the baby. I was sure she was a girl, seeing as Kensei and I were both boys. But then a deep sense of shame came over me. It was me, Shūhei Hisagi, Lieutenant or well, former Lieutenant of Division Nine and I was going to have an ultrasound to see my baby.

            I clasped my cheeks, groaning. “I guess sometimes I still can’t believe it.”

            “You’re doing great,” Isshin smiled at me. “Do you want to come now or are you too tired?”

            “I’ll come now.” I stood up from the chair and stretched, then stopped at the sudden stab of pain in my back.

            Isshin’s sharp eyes saw my wince. “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing.” I started but the pain came again, harder, close to the sensation of being stuck with the sharp end of a zanpakutō. “Ok, it hurts Isshin.”

            “Sit back down,” he ordered. “Where does it hurt?”

            I sat down, my knees shaking and the pain was back, a deep clutching sensation around my hips, centered right underneath my stomach. I clasped the chair, gasping out, “It really hurts! It’s, it’s the baby! I think something’s wrong!”

            Isshin shouted for Urahara to call for an ambulance, while he tried to calm me down. The pain came again, a forceful tugging, a pulling and it was my soul, trying to leave my gigai. They had said that when it was time for the baby to be born, my soul and the baby would come out of the gigai. Now it felt like I was getting shoved, pushed out.

            “NO!” I shouted, kicking and struggling, I fell off the chair onto the floor, an intense clawing sensation at my back like I was being viciously attacked. “Don’t leave! Stop!”

            “I’m not going to leave you Shūhei, just calm down. The ambulance is here, we’ll take you to the hospital, okay, just breathe.”

            I wasn’t talking to Isshin but the baby. I imagined gripping my hands into the gigai and holding on, my legs pulled up, my back bowed. “NO! I’m not going! STOP! Don’t do it!”

            “Isshin! What’s happening??”

            “I don’t know, he just said it hurts and now he’s having a break down!”

            My head and my neck pulled forward, the gigai slumped backwards, my soul was coming out and if it did, so would the baby. At five months, could the baby survive out of the womb?

            “NO!” I jerked my head back, trying to get back inside. My hands clasped onto my stomach, trying to keep the baby. “Stop it!”

            “Oh my God! Mr. Kisuke, his soul is coming out!”

            “That’s what’s happening! He’s having a miscarriage! What do we do? Isshin, do something!”

            “I don’t know what to do! This isn’t like a normal human miscarriage!”

            The pain was tearing at my insides, my eyes rolled up in my head and I thought hard, _don’t do this to me. I’ve carried you this long, I’ve accepted you, I’ve come to love you. Don’t leave. Stay here, whatever’s wrong, let me fix it. Don’t leave me._

            I faintly heard shouting and demanding, the whirling of sirens, I even felt when I was being loaded onto a stretcher, but I didn’t open my eyes, I didn’t speak to those talking to me. Right now, I had to communicate to her, to my daughter that I was here and she couldn’t leave me, not like this.

            My hands clasped onto hands, soft, damp, small that clasped me back. I pulled the tiny fingers towards me, into me, thinking, _that’s right, hold onto me baby. Don’t leave, rest, relax. I’ve got you. I won’t let you go._

            I curled into a ball, cuddling my child within me. I felt her, beating, breathing, holding.

            _Just stay with me._


	11. Demands

            I woke up, a scream cut off in my throat. I looked and my stomach was round, I was breathing, heart-beating, I was still in the gigai. I laid both hands on my stomach and closed my eyes, searching, feeling. _Are you there? Tell me you’re there._

            I didn’t hear anything vocal but I felt a fluttering, a soft weak kick then breathing. She was still here, she made it.

            There was a knock then to my shock, Ryuken Ishida was standing there. His face was cold and impassive as ever but he was holding a chart with my name on it. He came over and flipped it open, saying in a clipped tone, “You almost miscarried but managed to hold the pregnancy. There’s no medication or treatment that can stop a miscarriage however due to Urahara ordering me to do something, I gave you a shot of the hormone progesterone. Its not proven to prevent a miscarriage but help maintain the pregnancy. I don’t even know if it worked, or what you did worked.”

            My throat was sore but I asked huskily, “What I did? All I did was beg her not to leave me and I held her close to me.”

            Ryuken closed the folder and said, “Well, someone is here to see you. You’ve been unconscious for nearly two days and Urahara, again, had his demands.”

            I slowly sat up. “Who’s here? What demand?”

            “Me.” Stepping in the room was Kensei. He was in a gigai, dressed in black jeans and a tight red t-shirt. With his silver hair and multiple piercings, he looked more like a street hoodlum than a Captain.

            “I’m done here,” said Ryuken, placing the folder down. “Isshin can have this for his files. You are free to go once you feel able Hisagi.” He left, stepping around Kensei to leave.

            The two of us caught eyes then I looked to my lap, my stomach, I touched it, was firm and round. I concentrated again and felt her breathing, the gentle tickling. She was still here.

            “Why?” Kensei stayed at the door. “Why didn’t you just let the miscarriage complete?”

            My heart froze. “What?” My voice was low and dark, warning. I looked back at him, refusing to understand that.

            “You heard me,” said Kensei, now sounding irritated. His eyes flashed, his jaw buckled tight. “Neither of us wanted this brat, if it was trying to abort itself, you should have just let it run its course. Then we wouldn’t have to get married, this entire bastard situation would have been done with.”

            My fists clenched, a feeling of lava was bubbling in my gut, roaring up my chest, my voice came out harsh and guttural. “Kensei, I want you to leave me alone. I don’t want to see your face, ever.”

            Kensei’s knuckles cracked. “You know Shūhei, I don’t appreciate your tone or your lack of respect. The fact is, you got us into this mess in the first place. You’re the one who came onto me, there’s no greater signal for sex then to get in the bed naked with me. You wanted it, then I guess I wasn’t romantic enough for you because you acted like I was trying to kill you. Then you got Central 46 involved because you accused me of rape. Worse, you went and had your zanpakutō get you pregnant because you wanted to force me into marriage with you. You’re obsessed with me Hisagi and its gone way too far. I don’t want see your face either. I’m going back to the Soul Society and it would be in your better interest that you never come back.”

            With that scathing speech, he walked out and the door slammed. I jumped then the lava turned into sickness. I leaned over, grasping the garbage can close to me and threw up, choking and heaving as I sobbed too. There was a water pitcher and I drank from it, cleaning out my mouth.

            The door was knocked on, gently. “Shūhei?” Urahara’s quiet voice came through. “Can I come in?”

            “Yesh.” My voice was wet and shaking. Urahara was at my side and hugging me in an instant. I pushed my face into his chest, my arms tight around his waist. I tried to tell him what Kensei had said but I was more crying than talking, barely able to breathe.

            I ended up spitting out, “I hate him! I hate Kensei so much!”

            Urahara’s hands stroked my hair and my shoulders, it was so comforting. I would rather the Central 46 ordered me to marry Urahara instead, he was everything that Kensei wasn’t. Kind, caring, mature, he was perfect.

            “Its okay,” Urahara lowered me back onto the pillows, using his sleeve to dry my face. “You just need to get rest Shūhei and stop thinking about Muguruma. It was my mistake to order him to come back. I foolishly thought that he would have a heart, that seeing you in pain he would be able to comfort you as your baby’s father in a way that I can’t.”

            “Did you hear what he said to me?” The tears came again but my voice wasn’t shaking as badly. “He said I wanted it, that I’m obsessed with him.”

            “Yeah I heard every nasty word,” Urahara sat on the edge of the bed, he brushed my bangs back from my eyes. “I personally never liked Muguruma that much. He was too macho, too domineering and demanded respect like he was the Spirit King himself. As for why he’s being such an asshole toward you, I think its because he really blames himself.”

            I blinked away the tears, looking up at Urahara. I breathed in through my nose, sniffing, “What do you mean, blames himself? He just very clearly said this was all my fault.”

            “I know,” said Urahara. “But the fact remains if he had stopped when you said no, then none of this would have happened. Sure, he can say that you wanted it and you came onto him, but he still was the one who first initiated, then completed the sex act. He can blame you all he wants but on the inside, he is kicking himself in the pants for having sex with you in the first place. Oh, he knows its really on him. That’s why I say stop thinking about him and I won’t call him here again. That was my bad.”

            I slowly scooted to be lying on my left side, and tucked my hands underneath my cheek, my eyelids were heavy so I closed them, but I wasn’t asleep. “Why Urahara? Why did my baby try to leave me? What happened?”

            “I have no idea, but I’ll say one thing, it was the scariest situation I’ve been through in a long time,” he said, his hand was gently rubbing through my hair, it felt so nice, I felt protected. “It looked like your soul and the gigai were fighting, it’s a strange way of describing exactly what I saw. The gigai was pulling back and you were trying to pull the gigai towards you. At your stomach, I saw little feet and arms, like wisps, tussling. You were screaming and trashing from side to side, I didn’t know what to do, Isshin didn’t know what to do, and when the ambulance came, it was Ryuken and Uryu. By the time we got you on the stretcher, you had went silent and still, I thought you died. You really had me going for a moment there Shūhei.”

            “Sorry.” I spoke through a yawn, my body settled against the bed. “She’s okay now. I’m holding her to me.”

            One hand left my cheek and placed on my stomach, I searched out, just to make sure. She shifted inside of me, I felt a brush of her, the soft breathing. She was still here and I’d carry her until birth.

            “Okay, you just sleep now Shūhei.” Urahara kissed my forehead, just the barest touch of his lips and a frisson jolted down my spine, I opened my eyes and I saw his expression before he turned and left. His gray eyes were melted, the emotion there, passionate and gentle at the same time.

            I bit my lower lip and pushed my face into the pillows.

            _What’s wrong with me? Is there something going on between me and Urahara? Something forbidden? Maybe its just me…I don’t know. Right now, I can’t think about it. My baby nearly left me, I have to focus on her. Besides, seeing as Kensei told me not to come back to the Soul Society, then I can stay here with Urahara with no problems._


	12. Confession

            After a three day stay in the hospital, I came back to the Urahara Shop and was ordered straight to bed. I felt fine but I laid down as told. There was no longer a futon on the floor now, but I had a real bed. It was very hard for me to get up from laying on the floor and Urahara didn’t want me to slip and fall. The bed was a twin size, perfect for me and I had three large pillows, I slept with one at my back, one between my legs and one I cuddled to my chest.

            My baby was fine now too, she slept more than anything but when I reached out for her, she either kicked or tickled to let me know she was there. Isshin came to check on me twice a week until I assured him I was fine and he could come biweekly.

            Urahara catered to me more like he was the wife than anyone else. I was on bed rest for a week, with him fetching me water and food, he massaged my back and made sure my covers were heated.

            “Urahara.” I sat up when he came in. “I think I’m ready to get out of the bed now. My baby is fine, we’re fine now.”

            Urahara didn’t look convinced. “Maybe another week off your feet.”

            “Urahara.” I spoke just a bit more firmly. “Trust me, I’m okay. What happened before, I don’t know what caused it but I’ll be okay now.”

            His hand touched my chin and he tilted my head back, my breath caught and I held onto his wrist but he was only examining my face. Still, his shadowy gray eyes felt like they were penetrating me through my gigai, into my soul and seeing things I didn’t know.

            He finally said, “Okay. Just take it easy. You don’t have to work the cash register for now, I’ll handle it.”

            I let go of his wrist as he dropped my chin. My chin pulsed and throbbed, I covered it with both hands, my heart was beating too fast.

            I wanted to protest but saw from the set of his mouth he wouldn’t have it. “Yes Urahara.”

            He touched my hair, curling the thick strands in his fingers. The sheaf of it came to my shoulders, and with my bangs that reached my chin, I kept them pushed to the side, I looked kind of feminine. I really should get it cut but it just wasn’t that important to me.

            “I’ll see you later,” he said, he bent over just a little, I leaned up but then he just walked away and left the room hurriedly.

            I slumped down, my heart was clutching at me.

            _What was that just now? What was I about to do?_

* * *

            It had been a month since the near miscarriage, I was twenty-seven weeks and doing well. Like Urahara said, I made myself stop thinking about Kensei. As much as I said I hated him, deep down, I still loved him. I loved the man I remembered who saved my life back then, who comforted me, told me to be a man. I dreamed of growing up and being a man just like him. When I was finally able to serve underneath him as his lieutenant, it really felt like all of my dreams were coming true. All of that felt so faint, so distant, especially as my feelings were changing for Urahara.

            Every time he looked at me from the shadow of his hat, my stomach gave this shudder, deep inside, a clutching. My heart pounded when he touched me, along with that secret frisson that darted through my body. I tried not to focus on it and spent time talking to my baby about it.

            _I know I don’t love him like that,_ I told her while folding laundry. _There’s no way, its like being on the rebound. I was hurt, Urahara was there and is there still, taking care of me. I’m taking too far, letting it hit too deep._

            “Mr. Shūhei.” Ururu knocked on the laundry room door. “Its Ichigo and friends wanting to see you.”

            “Ok, coming.” I placed the last set of clothes to the side and wondered when I had become so used to doing laundry, sweeping floors, cleaning and cooking sometimes. What happened to wielding a zanpakutō as I hunted Hollows, or doing reports and running articles for the Seireitei Communication? Its like my old life just slumped off me and I stepped into the new one.

            I followed Ururu to the meeting room but I didn’t sit all the way down on cushions anymore, I had a chair that was easier for me to sit in and stand up from.

            Ichigo stood and took my arm, clearly going to help me to sit down. I let him with a small laugh.

            I said, “I’m not an invalid Ichigo, I can at least sit down by myself.”

            Ichigo’s eyes were wide. “But you’re so fat Shūhei! I can’t believe you can even walk! I should tell my father to get you a wheelchair.”

            I was irritated but it was Chad who said, “Not nice to call people fat Ichigo.”

            Ichigo winced. “Yeah, my bad. But still.” He knelt at a cushion, staring up at me. “You look great at the same time. Your hair, your skin. You’re almost like a woman now. Well, you _are_ a woman, seeing as you’re pregnant.”

            I sighed and said, “I’m not a woman Ichigo. I may be pregnant, but I don’t have breasts or the right equipment. I piss standing up, understand?”

            Orihime gasped and her face went red.

            “Sorry.” I apologized to her. “Anyway, so what’s going on? Why did you guys all come to visit suddenly?”

            “Spring break,” said Uryu, adjusting his glasses. “I’ve done all my homework already and so has Orihime. Knowing Chad and Ichigo, they’re going to wait until the night before school starts again and do all the work in one go.”

            “Meh.” Ichigo shrugged. “Spring break is a vacation, for kicking back and relaxing. I’m not going to waste it doing homework. Besides, its not like it’ll be hard. I can do it easily in one night. Right Chad?”

            “Hmm.”

            I enjoyed the visit with them, they made me laugh and none of them brought up the near miscarriage or Kensei.

            “Okay I’ll bring you some food tomorrow,” promised Orihime, giving me a buss on the cheek. “How about a stew? Pig feet, fish fin, cow tongue, add in some carrots and jelly beans and lots and lots of wasabi!”

            I barely managed to not start drooling. “That sounds great Orihime.”

            Ichigo looked green but didn’t say anything as we both looked at him. “Enjoy,” he muttered, averting his gaze.

            After they left, I decided to take a nap but then heard Urahara’s voice coming from his office, he sounded morose and resigned at the same time.

            “I’m a sick person Tessai.”

            I stopped on a dime, trying to decide if I should keep on to my room or find out what he was talking about.

            Tessai responded, “You’re not sick Kisuke. You haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t help how you feel.”

            _What is he talking about? Feeling about what?_

            Urahara sighed, he sounded abjectly miserable. “He’s already six months along Tessai. He’s got three more months, just another thirteen weeks before he’s bound to go back to the Soul Society and marry that bastard. I can’t do anything to stop it.”

            _He’s talking about me…should I go in there? What would I say?_

            “If you’d like to petition to the Central 46 that Shūhei is allowed to marry you instead, I think you should first ask him to marry you.”

            My knees went weak but I managed to stay standing.

            _Urahara…Kisuke…he wants to marry me?_

            “That’s the problem Tessai!” I heard the thump of a fist on a hard surface, the table. “Central 46 _never_ overturns one of their decisions, never. Their word is the fucking law! They ordered Shūhei to marry Muguruma, then that’s what’s going to happen! Even _if_ Muguruma told Shūhei he didn’t want to see his face and to not come back to the Soul Society, Central 46 won’t stand to have one of their decisions completely ignored. Like I said, I can’t do anything to stop it!”

            My mind whirled at this confession, a confession I wasn’t supposed to be hearing.

            _What…is he saying…did Kisuke fall in love with me?_

            Tessai made a low grunt, sounding thoughtful. “This might sound backwards or inviting pain…but you might want to just enjoy these last three months you have to spend with him. I’m not saying you necessarily have to confess to him, but at least, hey, wait! Kisuke come back!”

            My body froze, before I could walk away, Kisuke had opened the door and he saw me standing right there, obviously eavesdropping. My face flushed red but I couldn’t take my embarrassed guilty eyes off him. Kisuke looked right back at me, his expression was hardened but his eyes were intense. “You heard?”

            I bit my lower lip, then murmured, “Yes, I did. I’m sorry…I’ll forget that I heard anything.”

            “Don’t bother,” he said, his chest heaved as he let out a heavy tired breath. “I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now anyway. I’m always rushing around doing your bidding, staring at you, touching your face and hair. I’ve already made a fool out of myself.”

            He turned to leave but I stepped in the way, held his face, leaned up on my toes and placed a soft kiss to his chiseled lips.

            “Its okay,” I whispered, placing my head on his collarbone. “I feel the same way…I think.”

            Kisuke made a soft laugh and his arms came around my shoulders, he couldn’t hold me too close because of my round stomach. “Yeah, you don’t have to force yourself Shūhei.”

            “I’m not forcing anything.” I tilted my head back to see him, his eyes were closed, his face on my hair. “I’ve started to feel different, but I didn’t know what to call it. I don’t know how I feel anymore.”

            “Its fine.” Kisuke opened his eyes and stood back from me. He smiled at me, I touched his face and felt along his cheekbones. He held one of my hands and kissed the palm. “What I said is true. You will be leaving to marry that guy once you give birth and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I want to enjoy my time with you but it feels like it’ll be setting myself up for heartbreak.”

            I knew what he meant and my heart throbbed already, realizing that this life I had become so accustomed to, so comfortable with, will be ending. I wouldn’t wake up with the smell of fresh tea, I wouldn’t wash clothes or work the cash register, I wouldn’t have Kisuke’s gentle touch and his soft eyes to look forward to. I didn’t want to imagine what type of husband Kensei would make, how he’d treat me and our daughter. I just wanted Kisuke and the life we built together.

            I said huskily, my eyes on his, “Then if you’re right, if I will be forced to leave, I don’t want to leave any regrets and I don’t want to leave any unknowns.”

            Kisuke’s eyes, a normal cool gray, shifted then heated up, smoldering. He spoke, his voice lower, “If  you’re saying what I think you are, that’s not fair to me. You’ll leave and it’ll be me with regrets.”

            I gasped, realizing what he had taken my words to mean. I flushed hard and took a step back but he didn’t let me go, his voice raspy, “I’ve dreamt of it enough, thought about it, fantasized, looked at you and imagined it. You say you don’t know how you feel. I can make you feel exactly what I’ve dreamed of you feeling.”

            My heart bucked around in my chest, deep in my core was turning into warm melted mush. My face hadn’t ever been so red. My throat stuck together, my mouth flapped but no sound came out.

            Kisuke cupped my head, his long fingers curled in the hair at my temples, his mouth came down and took me in a kiss that was wild, heated and wet. Frissons fired up and down my nerves, until my entire body felt like it was vibrating and ready to unhinge.

            Kisuke lifted up and I slowly lifted my eyes, feeling drugged. He kissed my nose, saying, “As much as I want to, you are pregnant and you nearly suffered a miscarriage. I think that if I attempted anything like that with you, its too dangerous. Still, we have three months and while we do, I’ll make sure you know that you’re loved Shūhei. You’re loved by everyone here and you need to hold onto that when you leave. Alright?”

            I nodded, tears pricked my eyes. “I don’t want to leave.”

            “I know.” He kissed my forehead and then took my mouth again, I kissed him back this time, my hands sinking into his thick tousled blond hair.

            “Ahem. You two are blocking the door. Can I get out please?”

            Tessai’s rumbling voice made me pull away from Kisuke, completely ashamed.

            Tessai patted my shoulder, saying, “You couldn’t have found a better man in Kisuke. I’m happy for the both of you, no matter how short-lived it will be, okay?”

            I nodded, unable to stop blushing and he walked away. Kisuke gave me a sweet smile but walked away too.

            My knees gave a strong warning wobble that I was about to collapse, so I hoofed it to my room and laid down on my bed before I fell down. My hands grasped my shirt over my heart, elation still running through me as if to make me float, my mouth swollen and burning with the fervor of Kisuke’s kisses.

            _Its so wrong…and so right…Kisuke has been amazing for me and if we were married, this life seems perfect. But its not going to happen. Three months, thirteen weeks. I’ll give birth, which means my soul and my baby will come out of the gigai, then I have to return to the Soul Society to marry Kensei._

            Just thinking Kensei’s name made my heart harden.

            _I don’t want to marry Kensei, I don’t want to see his face and he doesn’t want to see mine. Just what type of marriage would that be? Kensei avoids me and I refuse to be around him. My daughter, my darling, how will she feel knowing her father doesn’t want anything to do with her? This whole time all Kensei has wanted is her death, he doesn’t want her or care about her at all. Can a mother’s love fully compensate for the lack of a father’s love? I didn’t have any love, no parents, none that I can ever remember. So what do I do?_

            Tears coming down my face, I rolled onto my side and curled into a ball, reaching out for her. I felt her, she was awake and only just stretching. Her feet and hands pressed on my womb, she yawned, a soft whoosh deep inside.

            _What should I name you?_

            The idea just came to me. My eyes closed as I imagined her face. She should have my dark grey eyes and my black hair, but maybe the texture will be thick and fluffy like Kensei’s.

_You need a strong but feminine name. A beautiful but commanding name. Something you can be proud of. Akira Hisagi. No…how about Akira Urahara? Ooh, that sounds so nice._

           My heart sunk. I knew I wasn’t marrying Kisuke. Like he said, I’ll be leaving to marry Kensei and there was nothing we could do about it. Central 46 really wouldn’t just sit back as their orders weren’t followed. They’d send Onmitsukidō after me to force me back to the Soul Society. And even if I purposely married Kisuke here in the Human World, that wouldn’t hold up in the eyes of Central 46. Even if I said I didn’t want to leave with regrets and unknowns…I would be…


	13. Loved

             True to his word, Kisuke let me know I was loved. He woke me up every morning with a kiss to my forehead and breakfast in bed. When he touched me, his fingers were gentle and the look in his eyes, I could drown in the sweet melted silver. We spent time together, just talking, and he read books to my baby, who always tickled and chuckled from the inside, enjoying what must sound like soft thunder to her ears.

            It was like I blinked and another month had passed, I was thirty-two weeks pregnant. My back ached it seemed constantly, when I walk, stand, sit for long periods, roll over in bed, get out of a chair or the tub, bend, or lift things, my back throbbed with pain.

            Kisuke was freaked out at first, and so was I, thinking I was about to have another miscarriage, but my baby wasn’t struggling or gasping for breath, I wasn’t falling out of the gigai. We called Isshin just to make sure and according to him, its because of my expanding uterus, which shifted my balance of gravity and weakened my abdominal muscles. My joints and even the ligaments that attached my pelvis to my spine were loosened, making me feel unstable and causing the most amount of pain.

            I sat on the back porch with Kisuke, watching the sky paint orange, purple and red rays as the sun was sinking. Our hands were tightly clenched, as if we were waiting for someone to come and yank them apart. I sighed and leaned my head on his strong shoulder.

            I asked softly, “Can’t we just run away together? They’d never find us.”

            “Mmm, I’ve fancied that idea myself,” Kisuke kissed my forehead. “But even if we ran, we’d have to constantly move. There would be no settling down and making a life because the Onmitsukidō will be right on our tails. Worse, if we’re in gigais and they’re in shinigami forms, we wouldn’t last long. Its fanciful, fun to think about, but a plan doomed to flop.”

             A tear escaped my eye and his finger was there to cup my cheek, round and blushed with good health.   He said, “Its okay Shūhei, I know it hurts but we still have eight weeks, two more months. We’re enjoying it, taking it day by day. We knew it wouldn’t last forever.”

            “I want to make love with you.” The words more or less surprised out of my mouth, I didn’t even know I had been thinking it, but once it was said, I sat up and faced him. He was staring at me, eyes startled.

            I said, “Remember when I said I didn’t want to leave any unknowns? I want to know Kisuke. If I leave… _when_ I leave, I’ll just have daydreams, fantasizes. I want the reality.”

            Kisuke’s hands trembled then he curled them into fists but he wasn’t angry, far from it. His breathing changed, a little faster and his nostrils flared. “Shūhei…even if I was to, I wouldn’t feel comfortable here. Too many people to overhear and to know.”

            “Then let’s go to a hotel,” I suggested. “We can have dinner, take in a few sights, like a date.”

            “Its not safe.” He said, his eyes on my round stomach. “I could hurt her.”

            I paused then admitted, “I asked Isshin about sex during pregnancy the last time he was here. He said its perfectly safe because I’m healthy. If I had hemorrhoids then it would be too dangerous. Also, if we use condoms there’s no chance of giving the baby any type of infection. C’mon Kisuke,” I looked at him through heavily lashed eyes. “Are you still going to say no?”

            “You’re too seductive.” He leaned in and our lips met in a hungry promising kiss. “We’ll go tomorrow.” He said once we stopped to breathe. “We’ll go slow and I’ll make sure I’m not hurting you.” He placed a gentle hand on my rise. “If the baby makes any feelings or reactions, then tell me and I’ll stop immediately.”

            I nodded. “Of course Kisuke. I’m going to bed early, so tomorrow gets here faster.”

            Kisuke stood up then helped me stand up. I had never weighed this much in my life. Before getting pregnant, I clocked in at less than one hundred and fifty pounds. I had already gained twenty pounds with a fully expected amount of weight gain to be thirty-five pounds by it was time to give birth.

            That’s when I realized, if I made love with Kisuke, he’d see me naked.

            _There’s no way he’d find me attractive…I look like a bloated pink version of my past self._

            “Wait,” I said as he led me to my bedroom. “Maybe…Kisuke,” I paused then got it out. “Am I attractive to you? I mean…I’m so fat.” I blushed at just saying it and stared at the floor, wishing it would swallow me up.

            “I think you’re beautiful Shūhei Hisagi.” Kisuke’s voice, it had never been so serious and longing at the same time. I chanced a glance up at him, blushing hard at his stark silver eyes focused right on my face. “If I didn’t find you attractive, then I wouldn’t be thinking about you the way I do…all the time. Understand?”

            I gasped and covered my flushed cheeks. “You think of me like that?”

            “Of course I do.” His eyelashes lowered, gazing at me, now I wanted to go run and hide.

            “Stop it!” I swatted at his shoulder. “You’re embarrassing me!”

            Kisuke laughed and took my arm, kissing the tips of my fingers and my wrists, my knees nearly collapsed, I leaned onto him and rested my head under his chin. “This feels like a fantasy story Kisuke. Only this one has a very unhappy ending.”

            “I don’t think about the ending of our story anymore because if I did, my depression would spoil the story we have now.” He said wisely. “Like I said earlier, I’m enjoying what we have now, as each day comes and I don’t countdown. Its easier on my heart, I think.”

            _Nothing about this is going to be easy. I’m fully head over heels for Kisuke and we have only eight weeks left to be together. He says we can’t even run away with each other. He might not countdown, but I do. The end of our story is getting closer and I can’t bear it._

            Kisuke touched the back of my neck. “Are you okay Shūhei? You went quiet.”

            “I’m fine,” I whispered. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

            “Oh…okay.” He opened the door for me and I went in, looked back at him standing in the doorway and gave a weak smile, before slowly sliding the door closed. I placed my face onto the wall.

            _Have I made our situation worse by deciding we should make love? If I join my body with his and feel the ultimate connection with him, only for it to be broken as I’m forced into marriage with that guy…what will it do to my heart? And to Kisuke’s heart? Its not like he can come into the Soul Society after me, if he goes back he’ll be arrested for breaking his exile._

            I changed into a nightgown. I didn’t feel like a girl wearing it, it was just easier to sleep without a tight waistband or neck collar. The nightgown had a low neckline and was very loose. I preferred it and it was comfortable.

            I laid in bed and closed my eyes, reaching out for my daughter. She turned onto her side, sleeping. She breathed softly, a relaxing fluttering on the inside. I told Kisuke it was safe because Isshin told me it was safe. I would do like Kisuke said, if she started feeling unhappy or scared or it was hurting her, we’d have to stop.

            I tucked a pillow at my back, slipped on between my legs and cuddled the last against my face and chest.

            _Who’s fault is all of this? Really, who’s fault is it? My zanpakutō, for having that dual-ability. Kensei, for not taking no for an answer. Or is it actually me, who should have put on some pants when getting in the bed. Or maybe, its no one’s fault. Maybe this is just what was supposed to happen. But why? Who would plan something like this?_

            A soothing rush of calm came from my stomach, along with a hushing of relaxation.

            _She’s right, I need to just calm down. Nothing’s going to change, this is how it is and the why no longer matters._

            With my baby sending peaceful thoughts and feelings, I fell asleep.


	14. Decree

            When Kisuke didn’t wake me up this morning, I knew something was wrong. He always woke me up, now he didn’t. Especially since we had plans today, what was going on?

            I sat up, moving away my pillows and got to my feet, pausing to let the pain recede. I didn’t like to walk around in my nightclothes, so I put on some draw-string pants with a baggy t-shirt and left my room. I heard the soft rumbling of voices but none of them were Kisuke’s. I paused outside the door, wondering if I should come in when it opened. Standing there was an Onmitsukidō member, recognizable by the all black ninjaesque outfit. Dark eyes stinging out of the cold pale face, he just jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

            Gulping, I came in and he closed the door behind me. There was Captain Suì-Fēng inside, another two Onmitsukidō members and Kisuke. I sat next to him and I put my hand on his knee, but to my shock and a slash to my heart, he moved my hand off him and didn’t say anything to me.

            “Look Hisagi.” Captain Suì-Fēng turned to me. “Central 46 made it clear that you are to marry Captain Muguruma once you’ve been released from your gigai with the child. When Muguruma came back, he was heard saying that you had fallen in love with Urahara and he wanted you to stay in the Human World and never come back to the Soul Society. Central 46 has spent some time deliberating this and has come to a conclusion.”

            My heart leapt into my throat. “W-what? They did? So I can stay?”

            “No,” said Kisuke, his voice low and dark. “They said they wanted you out of the Urahara Shop and moved to the Kurosaki Clinic, with me ordered to stay away from you.”

            I gasped, my body shuddered like I had been punched. “What?? That’s insane!”

            Captain Suì-Fēng sighed heavily. “Look, its not like I really have any feelings on this…scandal or whatever you want to call it, love-triangle, whatever. Fact is, I’m here to make sure you’re moved out of here to the other location with strict orders that Urahara isn’t to see you again. Understand? Don’t fight this, alright? Don’t make this difficult.”

            _I waited too long to ask Kisuke to make love to me. Now, like fate itself intervened, we’ll never have the reality, just the unknown._

            I looked at Kisuke but his head was down and he didn’t look up.

            An Onmitsukidō member took my arm. “Let’s go Hisagi. Stand up.”

            He didn’t even wait for me, his arms grasped me under my arms and heaved me up, I let out a cry of pain and alarm at being treated so roughly, my baby grasped onto me, also frightened.

            The next second, the shinigami was flying away from me, crashing through the wall and slumped over. Kisuke’s arms came around me, he spat, “Don’t touch him!”

            Captain Suì-Fēng stood up. “Urahara! I said don’t make this difficult!”

            “He was hurting him!” Kisuke shot back at her. “Shūhei is seven months pregnant and he’s already suffered a near miscarriage! He can’t be handled physically like that!”

            “Alright, I get it.” Captain Suì-Fēng adjusted her _haori_. “Now, if you want to spend some time with Hisagi while his things are packed, then fine. You have five minutes.”

            She walked out along with the two others, leaving me, Kisuke and the unconscious one alone.

            I looked up at Kisuke, my hands clutching on his chest. “Why Kisuke? Why did they come now? How did they know our plans? How long have they been watching us?”

            He said, “They didn’t know, we weren’t being watched. Muguruma told Central 46 that he wanted you to stay in the Human World instead of marrying him because you loved me instead, had an entire case about why it would be better for you to stay here. You were five months when you nearly had the miscarriage. Central 46 took that long while they were deciding whether or not to give you permission to go ahead and stay in the Human World with me or continue with their original order to make you marry Muguruma. They made their decision yesterday, Captain Suì-Fēng came this morning with the news. Their first decree stands, once you have the baby and your soul is freed from the gigai, you’re going back to the Soul Society to marry Muguruma. In the meanwhile, I’m banned from being in your presence, so they want you moved into the Kurosaki house until the time comes for you to leave.”

            I couldn’t help, I started crying and I sniffed, “That’s not fair. They shouldn’t have the right to interfere, not like this. I’m not ready to go. Kisuke, we had eight weeks left. We were going to make love together. Its not right. We were going to have reality. Now we’ll have unknowns.”

            Kisuke didn’t say anything, just kissed my forehead and his hands cupped the back of my head, his fingers shifting my thick hair that cascaded towards my back. We held each other in silence until the Second Division captain returned.

            Captain Suì-Fēng said, “Ok lovebirds, time to break it up. Kurosaki has a car outside ready for the transport. Bags are already packed. We’re waiting on you Hisagi.”

            I held onto Kisuke tighter, not wanting to go but a heavy hand came onto my shoulder, trying to jerk me back. This Onmitsukidō member was also punched through the wall, sprawling out on his back, going limp.

            “I’ll walk you out Shūhei,” said Kisuke, shaking blood off his knuckles and placed his arm gently around my waist. “Walk slowly, okay? There’s debris.”

            I had to smile at him, because it was his fault there were pieces of wood, paper and body parts everywhere. He didn’t smile back so I stopped smiling, a heavy weight coming over me again. We walked as slowly as a funeral march because once I left the building, I was never coming back. This would be the last time I’d see Kisuke, and if I did see him again, I’d be married.

            Outside, Isshin was leaning against a white and blue minivan, his hand over his mouth and chin, he wasn’t looking our way.

            Captain Suì-Fēng stood by the open car door, clearly she had to make sure everything went exactly as ordered. Kisuke walked me out the front door then stopped.

            “I can’t leave the shop premises Shūhei.” He let me go and my body flushed cold. “Not until you’ve left the Human World.”

            My eyes pricked as tears pressed forward again. “Kisuke, I-”

            “Don’t Shūhei.” He shook his head. “Its no good, no use. Just be healthy, alright? My plan had been to show you that you were loved, and I did that. Its probably for the best we have unknowns, can’t miss what you never had, right? Goodbye Shūhei.”

            He pecked my forehead and then was gone, walking back into the shop and as I stared after him, he didn’t look back.

            Isshin’s hands gently took my arm. “Come on Shūhei, come to the car. Its okay.” He said as my shoulders started shaking. “Just take one step at a time.”

            My vision blurred with tears, Kensei had said I was a crybaby but this time, I had every reason to cry. My time with Kisuke, the man I loved, had been cut drastically short. Even though I knew our story would end, it wasn’t supposed to end like this.

            Isshin helped me in the car, he buckled me in and the door closed. I heard him saying something to Captain Suì-Fēng but I didn’t listen, covering my face.

            _This is so wrong, this isn’t what I wanted. Its like the strings are getting pulled so I can’t be happy, ever._

            The vehicle started up and drove off. I cried the entire way, until Isshin was parking and he helped me back out.

            “I made my office into your room.” He said, he was carefully navigating me because I hadn’t moved my hands from over my face. “Please, Shūhei, put your hands down. I know you’re upset, if I was in your place I would be too. Still, you can’t just not look where you’re going.”

            I didn’t want to listen but it was foolish for me to walk around blinded, so I used my sleeve to dry my face and saw I was standing in the front room of the Kurosaki house. No one seemed to be here, or at least, no one else was awake. From the clock on the kitchen wall, it was only seven in the morning.

            “I want to sit down,” I said quietly, feeling like I was going to be sick.

            Isshin shuffled me to the couch and lowered me down. I sat and stared at the floor.

            My voice was tired and broken when I spoke. “Its all over. That quickly. In an instant, Central 46 took away the little happiness I had.”

            Isshin sat next to me, I heard his fingers twiddling then he asked, “So you…you guys were in love?”

            I was a little ashamed to hear him say it like that, but I nodded. “Yeah, we were. Kisuke loved me before I knew I felt the same way. And in fact…we never actually said the words I love you to each other. It was just felt, rather than said. We were planning on…”

            I sighed, shaking my head. “We were going to go further, so we didn’t have any unknowns, we would have reality, even though it wasn’t going to last. Before we could, Central 46’s orders came in. Now that’s why I’m here and he can’t see me again. Oh…”

            I covered my face, the tears coming again and this time I couldn’t stop. Isshin put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder until I finally stopped, a headache pulsing on my forehead. He got me to lay down in the room he made for me, a cot, probably one he had extra from his clinic, a small dresser and a full-length mirror. He said something I didn’t hear and closed the door behind him. I closed my eyes and pulled the pillow tight to my chest, wishing that this had never happened. None of it.

             My daughter recoiled from me, pain and alarm clutched my body. I reached for her, pulling her back.

             _I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m just very sad, and confused. I love you, I don’t wish you weren’t ever made. I wish…you were Kisuke’s baby instead. If he was my husband and we were married, it would be so much better._

            She settled against me, her heart was still beating fast and she kicked several times, it soothed me, knowing she was still here, she was alive and safe.

            I heard voices outside.

            “Can I go see him?” It was Ichigo.

            Isshin responded, “No, he’s resting. Shūhei is very upset Ichigo, try not to aggravate him, okay? If he doesn’t bring up Urahara, then you don’t mention him either, alright?”

            “Ok…sure.”

            One of Ichigo’s sisters spoke up. “I’ll make him a big welcome breakfast!”

            My stomach turned at the idea of eating.

            _Kisuke would come and bring me breakfast in bed, it was embarrassing in some ways but his love, that he cared, and like he said, that was his plan. Now our story has ended, abruptly, unfinished and unconsummated. Wait…they just said he couldn’t come around me. Can I talk to him though, like on the phone?_

            Even as I started to get up to ask, another voice chimed in.

            _Isn’t that just perpetuating our misery? I can’t see him or be around him, but hearing his voice on the phone, I’ll just want him even more. He let me go, he had to, he didn't look back. If I call him, that’ll just look down on him and his pain. No…I shouldn’t call  him._

            I smelt food and my stomach grumbled. I hadn’t even showered for the day and my bag was by the dresser. I unpacked then picked out clothes and my toiletries. The bathroom was down the hall and was twice as small as the bathroom I had come to be used to at the shop. I pushed that away, I would be here for another two months and comparing to what I had before wouldn’t help me get used to it.

            I sighed, turning my face to the spray.

            _Its like once I get used to one life, its destroyed and I have to get used to another one. I went from a lieutenant to abandoned in the human world, I fell in love with Urahara then got kicked out, now I’m here. Once I give birth, I’ll be shuffled back to the Soul Society. I keep wondering what kind of life I’ll have with Kensei…and I’m afraid of it. He’s called me names, he hates my baby and he said he doesn’t want to see my face. Well he **will** be seeing my face once I’m married to him. How will he treat me, and my daughter?_

            Thinking of her, I again realized I hadn’t thought of a name for her.

            _Akira Muguruma. Hmm…I don’t know. I like Akira Urahara so much better._

            There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Uh, Shūhei? Breakfast is ready, so you can come eat once you’re out.”

            I called, “Ok Ichigo, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

            “Alright.”

            I rinsed and stepped out of the shower, clasping onto the wall so I didn’t slip. I dried off then got dressed, putting my toiletries in the cabinet under the sink. I combed at my hair, staring at this stranger in the mirror. Yes, I still had my tattoos and the scar on my face, but with my longer fluffier hair, my rounder cheeks, my eyelashes looked darker, I looked feminine.

            _Maybe this is how Kisuke was able to fall in love with me. I’ve lost my muscle, seven months without lifting a dumbbell has its repercussions. What if Kensei was to get so angry that he tried to hit me? Would I be able to fight back? I haven’t forgotten my Hakuda, but I haven’t practiced it over half a year. What about Zanjutsu? Being in a gigai I haven’t been able to talk to Kazeshini, what are his thoughts on all of this? Why did he never tell me about this dual-nature of his?_

            Finished with my face, I went to eat where Yuzu was admonishing Ichigo for starting to eat without me.

            “Its fine,” I said, sitting at the empty place left for me. “Its my fault for taking so long to come to the table. I’ve gotten used to breakfast in bed actually.”

            Ichigo’s brow went up. “You were getting served in bed? Cool.”

            Yuzu looked ashamed. “Oh my, I didn’t know you were still unwell. You can go lay down, I’ll bring a plate to you right away.”

            “No, no, its okay.” I laughed a little. “I’m fine, Kisuke just…cared.”

            I didn’t know how else to say it, Kisuke never said _I love you_ but we both knew that’s how he felt.

            Ichigo frowned hard, oh bother. “Wait a minute, so-”

            Isshin cut him off. “Ichigo, hush. Remember what we talked about?”

            “But,” protested Ichigo. “I don’t understand!” He looked at me with stupid serious eyes. “First it was you and Kensei, now its you and Urahara. Who’s next? Me, my Dad? Maybe Ryuken?”

            My jaw silently dropped, while Yuzu gasped shrilly. Isshin shoved his palm onto his face. Karin, who hadn’t said a word, whistled low and sharp.

            Ichigo saw the reactions then rushed to explain himself. “I don’t mean it in a _bad_ way Shūhei, I’m just saying, its like you’re making your way around, that’s all! I’ll admit, you make a pretty hot girl but-”

            I stood up, not wanting to hear anymore. “Thank you for breakfast Yuzu. I’m going on a walk. I’ll see you guys later.”

            I left the table, even with Ichigo asking dumbly, “W-what did I say?”

            The front door closed on whatever the responses and I just walked down the sidewalk, not even knowing where I was going. I knew what Ichigo was saying and it was wrong and unfounded. Ichigo was a teenager and he was making what he felt were obvious connections. He said it was me and Kensei, as if we were in a relationship, which we weren’t. Then he said me and Kisuke, yes, we were together but we never announced it, we weren’t exactly official. Now he wants to know who I’ll get with next, as if my heart is that fickle.

            “Shūhei?”

            I stopped and turned. Orihime was standing behind me, carrying some grocery bags. Her eyes were wide. “Should you be walking around alone? What if something happens?”

            I sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. I should be fine. I’m just walking.”

            “Oh…” She paused then smiled. “Do you want to come to my house for a little while? I haven’t eaten yet, I had to go shopping first.”

            “Okay, sure.” I came to her side, it would be better than being alone and besides, I needed some female company now.

            Guys just didn’t seem to understand. When did I think of myself as not being a guy? Clearly Ichigo thinks I’m not, he called me a woman before and now he said I made a hot girl. He’s the one who brought up that I’m _making my way around_ as if I’m some sort of slut. Really Ichigo? Is that how he thinks of me? First off, I was never _with_ Kensei, we were Captain and Lieutenant, that was it, that’s all we were.

            Okay, sure, more than just like his subordinate, he was my hero, my idol, he made a lasting impression on me on how I wanted to grow up, to be like him. I was _never_ in love with him, I never wanted to be in his bed, I didn’t want to be his wife and I certainly _never ever_ thought about having his baby or being married to him.

            And then what happened with Kisuke, I mean, it was natural. After being raped and abused by Kensei, Kisuke was like summer to Kensei’s harsh brutal winter. Kisuke was gentle, sweet, he never physically or emotional or mentally or even spiritually caused me any pain, ever! And _then_ Ichigo _dares_ insinuate that I’m going to try and _get_ with someone else, including him! I never even _thought_ of Ichigo in any other way but that of a friend! GOD! Who does he think he is, anyway?

            Orihime patted my back as I sucked in air, I hadn’t realized I had been spewing that all out, infuriated and hurt at the same time.

            “Ichigo is very…arrogant,” she finally said. “He doesn’t mean to be, but he’s done a lot of things and he’s been complimented many times. All of his great battles go to his head, he’s started to believe his own legend.”

            We were at her house now, she let us in and I helped her put away the groceries. My stomach grumbled, I barely had two bites at breakfast.

            “Sit down Shūhei.” Orihime gave me a wide smile. “I’ll make us a big girly breakfast. We’ll have eggs drizzled with chocolate syrup, cheesecake pancakes, topped with leeks and carrots!”

            I almost drooled just at the idea. “That sounds so good! Let me help, please. I’ve spent weeks with Kisuke catering to me, I can’t expect that anymore.”

            “Okay, sure!”

            Cooking with Orihime, she chattered about senseless random things that I could easily join in about, taking my mind off my problems. My feelings of elation and relaxation must have reached my baby, because she started to roll and kick out. Her energetic movements made my heart swell.

            Breakfast ready, we sat down and ate. Orihime’s cell phone went off after we washed the dishes and she was about to turn on show called Don Kanonji’s Ghost Bust.

            “Oh, Ichigo.” She slid me a look, I sighed and crossed my arms.

            “Yes, he is with me,” she admitted. “But he doesn’t want to see you right now. Don’t worry, he’s perfectly fine. We’ve eaten and are about to watch some TV together. He’s not angry Ichigo, just irritated. If you take back what you said and apologize, he’ll be fine. No, don’t come over. I’ll bring Shūhei back soon enough, don’t worry.”

            She glanced at me. “He wants to apologize now, is that okay?”

            I thought about it. I nearly said no, but that would be stupid. I was going to be living in his house for another three months, I couldn’t make an enemy out of him or make things awkward. I sighed but held out my hand.

            “Okay.”

            Orihime smiled and said, “Here he is.”

            She handed me the phone and I put it to my ear.

            “Yes?” I tried to make my voice normal but it had a short bite to it.

            “Jeez Shūhei, it was my bad,” said Ichigo, sounding guilty. “I didn’t know how it sounded, it took both of my sisters yelling at me and then Dad explained how it made it sound, then I was like, shit, that’s not what I meant at all.”

            “I don’t want to hear what you meant,” I said, before he would. “And if this is your apology, I accept. I’m hanging out with Orihime right now, so I’ll be home later.”

            “Oh…so you’re really not mad? Are we still cool?” Poor Ichigo, he sounded like he thought I hated him.

            “We’re cool,” I said. “I’ll see you later, alright?”

            “Okay. Bye Shūhei.”

            We hung up and I gave the phone back to Orihime, then with popcorn topped with strawberry syrup and coconut flakes, we settled down to watch TV.

            After the show, we watched a horror movie that was more gruesome than any fight with a disgusting Hollow, we quickly put in a cutesy anime after that. We snacked voraciously, eating cream puffs, honeybuns and amanattō. When the anime was over by then it was nearing eight at night and Orihime’s phone rang again, Ichigo once more.

            Orihime answered and said, “Yup, I’ll bring him back now. He’s fine, we’ve just been watching TV and movies. Give it about ten minutes, okay? Alright, see you then.”

            I helped Orihime clean up the mess we made, then it was time to go back to the Kurosaki house. On the way, I told Orihime about my feelings for Kisuke, and even the plans we had made before they were ruined.

            “And that’s why what Ichigo said really hurt,” I explained, stopping at the fence. “Because it wasn’t true at all, I didn’t even realize I had fallen for Kisuke at first. I’m in no way trying to _make my way around_ with other men, I’m not even gay, I mean, I never felt this way about guys before. I think with Kisuke, with how he treated me, it never even came to my mind that he was a man, to me, he was just Kisuke and he was amazing. Do I make sense?”

            Orihime nodded and the front door opened, Isshin stood there.

            “Well Shūhei.” She gave me a very cheery smile. “I had a lot of fun today. You’ve very healthy, you’re beautiful. In three months, you’ll have gorgeous mini-Shūhei. I’ll see you soon, alright? Keep smiling.”

            She pecked my cheek then waved me on.

            I waved back and walked up the lane. Isshin took my elbow then waved at Orihime before closing the door. He looked at me concerned. “Are you okay Shūhei? You just walked out on us, it was…unsettling, and not like you.”

            I flinched, feeling terrible. I looked at the floor, a hot painful flush on my neck and cheeks. “I’m sorry Isshin. He just made me so upset, I left before I said anything I would regret. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, I’m really sorry.”

            “Ah, its okay, really, I didn’t say that for you to apologize. We were just shocked, you’re so gentle and peace-loving, it just wasn’t like you.” Isshin touched my shoulder. “Are you hungry? Ichigo called because you didn’t come home for dinner at six. He got worried.”

            “I snacked a lot,” I said. “So I’m fine right now. I think I’m going to take a shower and lay down.”

            “Alright.”

            I did so and once under the covers, I fell straight to sleep.


	15. The Kurosaki House

            Life at the Kurosaki household melded into the same type of feeling I had before at the Urahara Shop. It became normal, repetitive and I became used to it. I woke up around the same time as Yuzu and I helped her with breakfast. She did the cooking, I washed the dishes and set the table. After breakfast, depending if it was a weekend or not, the children had school, while Isshin went to work. I’d go insane if I just sat in the house all day, so I managed to convince Isshin to let me help out at the clinic. I had basic medical training from the Academy, so I was allowed to do bandaging, cleaning and other small things, as well as keep the clinic organized.

            It was like I blinked and I was already thirty-six weeks pregnant, the last week of my eighth month. I could tell my baby was getting ready to be born, she was moving a lot more, sometimes it felt like she was pedaling her legs and swinging her arms, stretching, exercising, ready to take the leap. I didn’t have a vagina and I wasn’t going to have a C-section. Fact was, my “birth” was just going to be leaving my gigai and when I did, I’ll have a baby in my arms.

            I had to pee frequently, even worse than before. There was also this heavy pressure on my lower abdomen, it was easier to breathe but walking took it out of me, I found myself sitting or laying down more than anything else. Yuzu doted on me like I was precious china and took to calling me Oneesan, or big sister. It did bother me at first but seeing Yuzu’s earnest happy eyes, I couldn’t tell her to stop. So I just accepted it.

            Now that I spent so much time on my butt, I didn’t have any distractions to keep my mind from drifting towards Kisuke. Ichigo still went over there from time to time, but I never told him to tell Kisuke “I miss you” and Ichigo never gave me any message from Kisuke. We were like star-crossed lovers and in fact, Urahara Shop was in walking distance. I didn’t dare walk there though.

            I was laying on the couch on my left side, a pillow between my legs and cradling my hips, my eyes on the TV. It was an infomercial for women’s lingerie, honestly, some of it looked really, really nice. Comfortable and sexy at the same time. Then again, the only man I would want to look sexy for was Kisuke. I didn’t want Kensei anywhere around me if I was to be feeling or looking sexy.

            The door was knocked on then the bell rang. I didn’t attempt to get up and after a few minutes Ichigo came from upstairs to get the door. He tossed me a look I didn’t read then walking in was the gang.

            “Shūhei!” Orihime fluttered over to me and to my shock, she had several different colored square clothing boxes, and Chad was carrying several extremely large boxes that were wrapped up in bright paper, even Uryu was holding things.

            I slowly sat up, eyes wide. “Guys? What is this?”

            “A baby shower!” Orihime piled up the gifts on the coffee table, Isshin, Yuzu and Karin appeared, all with their own bearings. “You’re in the homestretch and we’ve all been secretly gathering everything you’ll need for your baby! Start-o!” With that, she handed me a box.

            I didn’t want to cry. I wasn’t a crybaby, no matter what Kensei said. Still, the tears pricked hotly then I whispered shakily, “Thank you.”

            “Aw don’t cry.” Ichigo gently touched my shoulder, as if he was afraid I’d break. “We’re happy too. Okay, let’s get some music or something.”

            An upbeat number by Shonannokaze began to play and I opened my first gift, my vision still a little watery. It was shoes, called booties, in pink with red stripes.

            “So cute!” Yuzu squealed it, while I had internally thought the same.

            “Next!”

            I got another gift, opening it revealed a trio of stuffed bears, each one saying something when you squeezed it. A blue bear with a pink heart on its stomach said I LOVE YOU. A yellow bear wearing a red top hat said YOU’RE THE BEST. Then a green bear with a white rose said CUTIE PIE.

            I was given so many things over the course of the baby shower. Things like a baby monitor so I could hear the baby from different rooms, lotion, shampoo and body wash all for babies, disposable diapers and baby wipes. I got some very large gifts, such as a baby gym, a bouncy chair, a stroller and then two carrier slings, one for the back and one for the front.

            We snacked on hors d’oeuvres made by Yuzu and some pastries bought by Uryu.

            “Alright Shūhei,” Orihime smiled at me. “There’s one last thing. We have a cake here.”

            The white cake frosted with pink flowery decorations was placed on the coffee table and had a pink zero candle.

            Orihime said, “But we need the name of the baby to go on it. Seeing as you’ll be going to the Soul Society, we won’t be able to be there when the baby has her birthday. So we’re celebrating her 0 years old birthday right now. Name please?”

            I gasped and remembered how I kept toying with the name Akira. Akira meant intelligent but this whole situation happened because of a terrible stupid mistake. What if I switched the letters around? Akari. Akari meant light, brightness. I loved her and if I was going to be forced to be married to a grumpy angry Kensei, then Akari was going to be the only bright spot in my life.

            I smiled at my waiting friends. “Akari. A-K-A-R-I. Akari.”

            “OOH!” There was some clapping and Uryu wrote the name in flawless script with the decorating gel. The candle was lit and everyone began to sing, most knelt down so they were level with my stomach.

            “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Akari, happy birthday to you! YAAY!”

            With Akari doing a somersault in me, I leaned over and blew out the candle. We cut the cake and ate while watching the latest episode of Don Kanonji’s Ghost Bust. I fell asleep on the couch, worn out by the festivities and missed the ending.

            When I woke up, the mess had been cleaned and they were getting ready to leave.

            “Thanks you guys.” I managed to stand up to give out hugs. “I guess the next time I see you I’ll have Akari.”

            “It’s a beautiful name too Shūhei.” Uryu gave me a nice wink. “If she looks anything like you do now, you’ll have some trouble on your hands once she’s old enough to date.”

            I was confused but Chad laughed, deep and slow. “Exactly.”

            I looked to Orihime to explain it to me, she just grinned and pecked my cheek. “You’ll see once she’s old enough! Goodbye, see you again.”

            Everyone left and Ichigo let me take his arm so he could walk me to my room. I sat down on my bed, wondering about changing into nightclothes or going to sleep like this. Ichigo took my chin and lifted my head up, his brown eyes searching my face.

            “Man.” He said softly. “You really are a hot girl Shūhei.”

            I leaned back, his hand fell down. “Don’t Ichigo, please.” My heart twisted. “I understand that I look very feminine now, but I’m not female, I’m male. Besides, I have one month left here then I have to go marry Kensei. Don’t make it harder on me.”

            “Its hard on me already.” He chuckled and headed out the room. He said over his shoulder, “Kensei’s a lucky man, I’ll say that much.” The door closed behind him.

            I grumbled to myself as I got ready for bed, “I’m not trying to make Kensei a _lucky man_ because we’re married. If I had to chose, I would have married Kisuke no problem.”

            I got under the covers, closed my eyes and dreamed of the unknown.


	16. Return to the Seireitei

            In my ninth month, I was now just waiting. I was so heavy that I didn’t walk much, just to the kitchen or to the bathroom, spending nearly all of my time sitting down. My ankles were swollen and made standing and moving around painful. I talked to my daughter all the time, mostly asking when she would be ready. She of course didn’t talk back but with her rolling and kicking, she was plenty active. Isshin checked her fetal heartbeat every day and said she was fine, also curious as to when I was going to give birth. My fortieth week rolled around and I was still in my gigai.

            “You’re so huge Shūhei!” Ichigo laughed heartily when I came in for breakfast late, it takes a long time to get out of bed. “You look like I could just roll you down the hall!”

            I laughed but it was more of a tired groan. “I’d rather I was rolled down the hall then have to walk.” I sat down carefully on the chair. “I’ve got be like two hundred pounds.”

            “You’re one hundred and ninety-three,” supplied Isshin. “You’ve gained around forty-five pounds with your pregnancy. I wish there was a way we could induce labor in you. At forty weeks, if you were a human woman, as a doctor I would have suggested inducing labor.”

            I felt even fatter than ever. “I really am nearly two hundred pounds. Ugh!”

            I flinched as there was a tight abrupt pain in my back then it echoed throughout my entire body. My world flashed white and there was a huge crash. I stumbled, and stood up. I was standing next to my chair, where my gigai was sprawled on the floor, the arms and legs and head all rolling away in separate pieces. Then laying on the table, was a naked newborn baby. She was laying in my plate and started to cry, the hot rice sticking to her skin.

            “Akari!” I quickly picked her up, gently plucking the food off her.

            “Whoa!” Ichigo stared. “That was so sudden! I blinked and you just popped out of the gigai and the baby just came out, it was so weird.”

            “I’ll get the baby clothes!” Yuzu left to get it and came back soon with a pink and yellow outfit. I dressed Akari the best I could, she was still crying and kicking her legs and arms. Yuzu also had brought a blanket, so I wrapped Akari up tight and she went quiet, blinking up at me with huge ebony-grey eyes, my eyes. Her face was round with small plump lips. Her hair was black and slicked close to her scalp.

            “Akari.” I gently kissed her forehead and held her close to my face, nuzzling her.

            She made a humming sound, her feet and hands pressed against my cheeks and forehead.

            “So that’s it,” said Isshin. “We need to contact the Soul Society that you’ve given birth. I can’t do it from here, so we’ll have to go back to the Urahara Shop.”

            My gut clenched, I had been so wrapped up in the birth of Akari that I had forgotten about everything else.

            “We need the car to transport all of Akari’s baby things,” said Ichigo, pointing to the pile of boxes in the corner.

            “We’ll also need a Reishi converter,” I said. “Everything in the Soul Society is made out of Reishi, so those have to be turned into Reishi before they’ll change over.”

            So there was some rushing to pack the car and Yuzu helped me buckle Akari in the car-seat, then Isshin drove us to the Urahara Shop, while Ichigo was texting all of his friends to meet Akari and say goodbye.

            We were met at the shop and I found myself at the center of attention, with Akari tucked in my arms.

            “She’s adorable,” whimpered Orihime. “I just pray I can have a baby even half as beautiful as her.”

            I was so flattered, my heart warmed. “Thank you Orihime.”

            “Damn,” Jinta was jumping up and down, trying to see. “I can’t see my little sister, make room you jerks!”

            I gasped and quickly knelt as the group parted and Jinta and Ururu came close. Jinta slung his arm around Ururu’s waist. “See that Ururu? That’s a pretty baby.”

            Yoruichi was purring, a deep thrum from her chest as she held out her arms. I stood up, passing Akari to her. Yoruichi looked so natural holding a baby, Ichigo’s brow snapped up. “You look ready to have kittens Yoruichi.”

            Yoruichi didn’t even glare at him, a wide smile on her face. “Nah, not any time soon. The one man I had counted on having them with got stolen from me.” She sent me a good-natured wink.

            I flushed hard. “I-I-uh I did-didn’t _mean_ to, um.”

            Everyone laughing made me shut up, I hadn’t been this embarrassed in a long time.

            Yoruichi passed Akari back to me, saying, “Its fine Shūhei. Its not like Kisuke felt the same about me and you enriched his life in ways I never could. Besides, I’m not one to stick around and have a family, I’m always leaving for decades at a time, come back randomly then leave again. I’m not the family type. You were, you gave him something he’s never had before.”

            “Where is he?” I looked around but Kisuke was the only one not here.

            “Alone in the compound,” said Tessai. “Where he’s been for the past eight weeks. He completely exiled himself. I go down to bring him food but he doesn’t come out to see me. He just wants to be alone.”

            “Well,” I cuddled Akari to me. “I’m not leaving without seeing him again. And I want him to see Akari. He’s been more like a father to her than Kensei ever can hope to be.”

            Tessai showed me the way, opening a large board and revealing a giant underground compound. I held Akari close and jumped down, landing gently.

            “Kisuke!” I called his name. “Kisuke its me!”

            Akari jumped then began to cry, my loud voice bothered her.

            “Ssh, its okay,” I hushed her, gently rocking her, while I walked forward, looking for Kisuke.

            “S-Shūhei?” Stepping around a rock was Kisuke. He hadn’t shaved for the entire two months I was gone, a full growth of hair over his jaw and chin. His head hair was coming down to his shoulders, he never cut it. He looked like he had been wearing the same clothes, wrinkled and torn in places. He looked heartbroken.

            “Kisuke,” I trotted over to him, wanting to kiss him so badly. “Look,” I said, offering up Akari. “Our daughter.”

            Kisuke gasped and gently took Akari into his arms. At his touch, she stopped crying and blinked up at him dark eyes.

            “She’s gorgeous,” whispered Kisuke, tears in his eyes. “She looks just like you.”

            I swallowed back a chunk of emotion. “Kisuke…I have to go now. I just didn’t want to leave without you seeing Akari.”

            “I know.” He took his eyes off her face and looked at me, his eyes searching my face. “A part of me still wants to runaway with you. I’ve been down here making plans and trashing them, knowing it’ll never work. All I want is to be with you Shūhei.”

            I was about to burst into tears and I shakily took back Akari, tucking her against my shoulder. “I feel the same Kisuke…but its an impossible dream. We never even had reality.”

            “Dreams will have to suffice.” He stepped closer to me and we kissed, just a soft peck.

            Then I heard Tessai calling, “The Senkaimon is open! Come on Shūhei!”

            Kisuke stepped back and turned his head away. “Go on Shūhei. Take care of Akari and take care of yourself. Don’t let Kensei bully you or treat you like crap. You’re a strong outstanding shinigami, you can do it.”

            I wanted him to look at me but I knew he didn’t want to watch me walk away.

            “Goodbye Kisuke,” I said then I turned and left.

            All of the baby things had been converted into Reishi and transported through the Senkaimon, there was a large carriage being packed up.

            I got a second round of hugs and goodbyes, then I walked through with Akari. Lieutenants Izuru Kira, Renji Abarai and Rangiku Matsumoto were standing there to welcome me.

            Kira just gaped, Renji’s eyes bugged. Rangiku gasped and came close. “Can I see her?”

            I had to smile and tilted Akari so her round pink face was visible. “Akari Hisagi. She’s about an hour old.”

            “Damn,” said Renji. “Somehow all this time a part of me didn’t believe it, but damn. If you weren’t about to be married…” His eyes checked out my face and hair, then flickered around my body.

            _Urgh! That’s it, I’m getting a haircut!_

            With being pregnant and not exercising, my body had lost its tight muscle, I was softer and rounder, my hair came down my back and framed my face, my cheeks and lips puffier, my eyes did look a little wider.

            “Exactly,” said Kira. “He needs to get to the courthouse however. Central 46 wants this case closed.”

            My heart stopped.

            _That’s right…I have to marry Kensei._

            “The carriage is going to head to the Ninth Division barracks,” said Renji. “We’re to escort you to the courthouse. Captain Muguruma should be on his way there as well.”

            I nodded and we walked together. It was silent at first, then Rangiku asked, “Shūhei…are you going to be okay? You reported that Captain Muguruma raped you, how are you going to be marrying your rapist?”

            I swallowed hard then said, “I’ll be spending my time raising Akari, and Kensei should be at the office and on missions. We really won’t have to be in each other’s way.”

            “Sounds like a plan,” said Renji.

            “That’s not fair to Akari,” said Kira quietly. “She deserves to have both parents. You two should work together to make her home happy and cohesive.”

            “Kensei never wanted her,” I said firmly. “When I nearly had a miscarriage, he told me I should have just let it happen.”

            All three gasped.

            Rangiku tinged green and put one hand on her stomach as if she was really going to be sick.

            “Asshole,” whispered Renji hotly under his breath.

            Kira shook his head solemnly without saying anything.

            At the courthouse, I had to walk in by myself, Akari was sleep against my chest. Kensei was inside, standing in front of the judge.

            I came to his side, saying, “Shūhei Hisagi and Akari Hisagi here sir.”

            Kensei’s body coiled tight but he kept his eyes forward, he didn’t look at me or his daughter.

            _Akari isn’t his daughter, she’s Kisuke’s daughter. Kisuke did everything he could to make me comfortable and keep me healthy. Kensei only wished Akari never existed._

            The judge said, “Kensei Muguruma, on your honor, do you vow to keep Shūhei Hisagi as your wife, care for him and honor him, until Akari Hisagi is at an age to take care of herself?”

            _So they really mean its only so Akari can have parents. This is a marriage of necessity._

            Kensei’s jaw buckled, veins coiled around his bulky arms.

            The judge narrowed his eyes.

            Kensei gritted out, “On my honor, I do.”

            “Humph.” The judge turned to me. “And Shūhei Hisagi, on your honor, do you vow to keep Kensei Muguruma as your husband, to care for him and honor him, until Akari Hisagi is at an age to take care of herself?”

            _This is it. Its happened._

            I said, “On my honor, I do.”

            “Then Kensei Muguruma and Shūhei Muguruma, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Make sure the marriage is consummated and that Akari Muguruma is taken care of. That’s all.”

            Kensei swung around and walked out, he never looked at me or at Akari, he didn’t give me a ring or even talk to me.

            The judge looked at me. “Is there anything else?”

            “No, nothing. Thank you sir.” I quietly left and started the walk to Ninth Division. I only didn’t flash-step because I didn’t want to scare Akari. My zanpakutō was in my obi sash, had been there once I stepped out of my gigai.

            I thought to him, _Kazeshini…_

            _Shūhei._

            I swallowed hard. _Why didn’t you tell me?_

            _Well genius, maybe I didn’t know._

            I wished I could punch him in his face. _What do you mean you didn’t know? Its YOUR ability._

            _You idiot._ I saw a flash of his white eyes. _I’m an extension of your powers, if its my ability then it means its yours. You’ve already made the connection, you’re a very friendly, mature, peace-keeping person. I’m wild, uncontrolled and like to kill. It only makes sense that if something as brutal as a rape happens to you something innocent like a child is created._

            I was about to get angry but Akari was shifting and I kept quiet, holding down my temper so I didn’t start shouting.

            At the division, shinigami whispered as I walked by.

            “Is that Lieutenant Hisagi?”

            “No, it’s a woman. See the baby? And wow, she’s beautiful.”

            “That has to be the lieutenant…look at the scar, and the tattoos.”

            “Maybe Lieutenant Hisagi has a sister.”

            “A sister with a matching face? Oh, a twin. Makes sense!”

            “Dare me to talk to her?”

            “Yeah, go!”

            I sighed as an unseated officer stepped in front of me. His hair had been slicked back and his brows cocked.

            “Hello lady.” He said in an affected smooth voice. “What’s your name?”

            _He’s coming onto me. Am I so feminine that I look like a woman now? Also, I have a baby in my arms._

            I paused then said, “My name is Shūhei Hisagi. I’m not a woman.”

            The look of horror on his face was enough to make me laugh, but I didn’t feel like laughing.

            “But, but.” He shakily pointed at me. “The hair, the skin! Your shape!”

            “I was pregnant, okay? I let my hair grow out and pregnancy changed the color of my skin, I lost my muscle because I didn’t exercise for nine months,” I said clearly. “Now you see my daughter in my arms, don’t you?”

            He gasped. “So the rumors, the scandal, your disappearance, its all true??”

            Other officers came closer, asking to see her.

            “Akari Hisagi,” I said, then as an afterthought added on, “Muguruma.”

            “She’s so pretty,” said one. “I always thought Captain Muguruma’s baby would be ugly.”

            “Well she’s got the handsome Shūhei to pretty her up,” grinned another. “Just wait until she grows up!”

            Now I glared at him. “She’s two hours old! Don’t start already!”

            There was laughter then they had to go back to work and Akari was starting to fuss. I knew where my room was but the name on the door was different. It said _Lieutenant_ on it but I had been fired…this was no longer my room.

            My brow crinkled, I went to the Captain’s Quarters, maybe Kensei would tell me what was going on. On the door, it said _Captain Kensei Muguruma and Family._

            My eyes went wide. _I’ve been moved in with him._

            I swallowed hard then tested the doorknob. It was unlocked so I let myself inside.

            The entryway had the living room to the right and the kitchen and dining room to the left. There was a hallway straight down with several doors. The living room was packed with Akari’s baby things and Kensei wasn’t here. I gently laid Akari in her carrier, then after checking several doors I found an empty room, her nursery. I began to move her things in, built her crib and changing table. By that time, Akari was crying. I made her formula and fed her.

            Kensei walked in. I was sitting on the couch, rocking Akari as she fell asleep. He stood in the doorway, watching but he didn’t speak. I had no idea what to say.

            Finally he spoke. “Why isn’t dinner ready?”

            I blinked. “Dinner? You were expecting me to cook?”

            Kensei’s upper lip curled back. “Well seeing as you’ve already ruined my life and career, maybe cooking dinner is just a little something you can try to contribute.”

            “I don’t want to argue with you Kensei,” I said. “But we can debate who ruined who’s life at another time. As of right now, I’m taking care of Akari.”

            “Fuck Akari!” He shouted, my throat closed at his words. “How about me dammit? I’ve been putting in fifteen hour days taking up your slack! I don’t have any respect, everyone else acts like if I get close I’ll fucking attack them! So fuck yes, get your ass up and fucking cook dinner!”

            Akari began to wail, her eyes squeezed closed and she was shaking.

            I stood up and walked away to the nursery. I kissed her face and hugged her gently. I hushed her. “Just calm down, okay, its okay. Kensei is just a grumpy mean old man, I won’t let him hurt you. Just breathe, calm down. Hush baby, everything is okay.”

            Akari quieted then I placed her in her crib. She writhed then relaxed into sleep.

            I left the nursery and went to the kitchen, starting to cook. Kensei was gone and I didn’t know where he went, didn’t rightfully care either. By the time the meal was ready, Kensei had resurfaced from wherever he went and he sat at the table, clearly expecting me to serve him. I was close to just making my own plate but really, I didn’t want to antagonize Kensei or strain our relationship worse than it already was.

            So I made his plate, piling it up high and sat it down. He began to eat immediately, no prayer or thank you. I kept my tongue to myself, made my plate and prayed over it before I ate. There was no conversation, none. Kensei ate heartily, getting seconds then thirds, then with his used dishes on the table he left.

            _I get it. Kensei thinks I’m here to take care of him. Cook the food, wash the dishes, I bet he’ll want me to do his laundry too. Well, if I’m going to be home taking care of Akari then there’s really no point in me refusing to do housework. Still, he could be a bit nicer about it._

            I finished eating and even if I wanted seconds, I couldn’t because Kensei had scrapped the pots clean. I cleaned up and checked on Akari, she was fine, sleeping peacefully. Then I realized it.

            _Its time for the wedding night. The court said we had to consummate the marriage…we just ate dinner, its time._

            Swallowing hard, I shakily walked into the master bedroom, I showered then changed into a nighttime kimono. When I came out of the bathroom, Kensei wasn’t in the room but the sight of the giant bed was enough to make me want to scream. My heart flexed in my chest, a jerking painful sensation that was enough to make me want to hurl. I stood by the bed, this overarching feeling that I wanted to cry was dragging down my body.

            Kensei came into the doorway and his brow went up. “What’s with the twisted face Hisagi? I’m not going to touch you.”

            I stood up straighter, a flush of hot relief went through me. “W-what? But Central 46 said to consummate-”

            Kensei cut me off. “I don’t give a damn what Central 46 says. They forced me this far but unless they’re going to have a judge stand here and watch us fuck, they don’t have a clue whether or not we consummated the marriage. I have no intention of fucking you ever again Hisagi, period.”

            I laughed, it came out suddenly but it wasn’t from amusement, but from pure bone-deep relief. My smile hadn’t been so wide in a long time.

            “Thank God.” I sat down on the bed, letting out a light breath in another relieved laugh. “I don’t want to even see you naked! I’m so glad!”

            Kensei stayed at the door but I could hear his teeth grinding and saw how his rugged jaw tightened. “So Urahara gave it to you that good, huh?”

            I shook my head but a smile came back to my face as I thought about Kisuke, his passionate melted eyes, how gentle his touch was. I sighed, hearing the longing in it made me blush but I couldn’t help it.

            “Well…me and Kisuke…that’s different. A lot different.” I didn’t bother telling him Kisuke and I never had reality. We had our regrets and we had our unknowns. I could still feel his place in my heart, it wouldn’t ever fade.

            “Damn you make me sick!” Kensei punched the doorframe, which was now bent inwards. I jolted, staring. His face was as twisted and ugly as an _noh_ mask depicting a devil. “First you _ruin_ my life and my career, while doing so singlehandedly, you start fucking Urahara. I bet if you weren’t already pregnant you’d purposely get pregnant with _his_ brat too!”

            Insulted, offended and sickened all at once, I stood up and tossed back at him, “I never made love to Kisuke! And even if I did, I _know_ he’d been a lot BETTER than you can ever _hope_ to be! You’re an abusive sexist rapist Kensei and I hate you! Now get out of _my_ bedroom!”

            “You nasty little slut!” Kensei strode toward me, his eyes blazing. “I’ll show you lovemaking alright! I’ll fuck you until your pelvis breaks and your mouth only says my name!”

            “NO!” I dashed past him, he grabbed me and we wrestled wildly, him trying to force me on my back, I was doing all I could to get away from him.  “Leave! Me! ALONE!”

            With that last, I landed a fierce punch across his mouth, busting both lips. He stumbled back, clutching what must be a hell of an ache.

            “You bitch.” He wiped at the blood and looked at it dripping on his fingers. He still had one fist clenched on my collar, I had one pressing on his chest, my other hand cocked to punch him again. “I guess that nine month vacation from being a lieutenant really made you forget how to show proper respect, hasn’t it Hisagi?”

            I spat at him, “You lost all my respect that night you raped me!”

            “I DID NOT RAPE YOU!!” He bellowed at me.

            I slapped him as hard as I could but he caught my hand just centimeters before the blow could land.

            “Oh, you want it this rough Hisagi?” His other had dropped my collar only to punch me in the gut, I dropped to the floor, my abs in spasms of pain, I couldn’t even breathe.

            My daughter began to cry from her nursery but I couldn’t stand up, I just started to crawl but Kensei blocked me, then his foot kicked me in the chest, I collapsed to the floor, putting my arms over my head.

            “You wanted to fight, didn’t you Hisagi?” His hand grasped my long hair and yanked, his fist twisting the long thick strands around his wrist. “Get up bitch, you want to me fight me, don’t you? You’re the one who punched me, you wanted to take it to this level. You say I raped you, huh? Then maybe that’s just your version of having sex, imagining you’re forced, wanting it to hurt. Alright, I can stoop to your level. Get up you slut!”

            His other hand grasped my arm and yanked me to my feet and he threw me down on the bed but he didn’t let go of my hair, I screamed as my neck flung back, nearly snapping. I grabbed his wrist, trying to pull him off, and shouted, “Stop it Kensei! Akari is crying! Let me go to her! Let me go!”

            Kensei tore my kimono right down the middle and flipped me onto my stomach, with his hold on my hair, I couldn’t just jump up, he’d rip my scalp off.

            “Oh, so now you want to run away, to escape? This is the only way you like it, isn’t it Hisagi? Being forced, being hurt, this is just your style.”

            I heard him drop his jinbei and felt the heat of him, smelt him. I squeezed my eyes shut, my hands clutching onto the bedspread.

            _He’s not going to stop Shūhei. Its going to happen again. Kisuke! I wish you were here to help me!_

            Kensei saddled up behind me and I knew I was about to be raped again.

            I whimpered, “Kisuke…please…”

            _Help me…_

            Kensei heard it, his hand on my hair pulled tighter. “And now you pretend its that ass-fuck Urahara taking you? Great King you are perverted Hisagi and you can’t fucking be satisfied! I’ll be old and wrinkled before you’ll be satisfied! FUCK!”

            I screamed as Kensei thrust straight into me, no preparation, no stretching. The rip, the pull, how his erection felt like it was ramming my organs against my ribs. I coughed and choked for air over tears.

            “Fucking crybaby.” Kensei used his hold on my hair to jerk my head up, the strain with his heavy body holding me down, forcing my neck and collarbone to keep my head up, it felt like a string of fire running down my neck to my chest. “Why are you crying, huh? Isn’t this what you wanted? You like it just like this Hisagi, don’t act any different.”

            Akari was screaming from her nursery like something was trying to kill her and I had to get to her but Kensei wouldn’t stop until he had gotten the reaction he wanted from me and until he came.

            Tears soaking my face, I pushed up with my hips, as if inviting more.

            “Great King, that’s good.” He grunted, his hard dick pummeled my insides and I knew all I had to do was hurry up and make him finish. If I cried and pleaded and told him to stop, he wouldn’t listen. In Kensei’s twisted mind, I liked it rough and I was into the “rape fantasy” where I preferred to pretend like I was being raped. He didn’t see it was really rape, he didn’t see that my tears were real because to him I was a crybaby, I cried all the time and it didn’t matter.

            Gasping, I lifted my hips and pushed back, even with the burning pain of how my ass was split around his thick erection, Kensei groaned and one hand slapped my thigh hard. “That’s right Hisagi, work your hips. I knew you liked it, fucking slut. Come on.” He grabbed my wrist and tugged on my hair, lifting me up. I held onto his wrist that was holding my hair, my other arm was being pulled back by his grip, almost like reins.

            Soft heartbroken whimpers left my mouth, even as I willingly pumped myself back on Kensei, who wasn’t even moving now, letting me do all the work. The blood slid down my thighs, I could smell the harsh hotness of it. Either Kensei’s eyes were closed so he didn’t see it or maybe he thought my bleeding was something normal. I had bled the first time he took me too.

            “Ugh, fuck.” Kensei let go of my wrist and clasped my waist tight, he was thrusting again, grunting, “I’m almost here! Your ass is on fire Hisagi! I can’t last!”

            _Yes stop already! Finish dammit! Come, just come!_

            My head flashed with white lights, agony clutched my spine, my thighs and abdomen throbbed. Even with that, I forced myself back on him harder, faster. Akari’s wailing was strengthening me to do this, I had to see what was wrong, I had to comfort her.

            Kensei made a jaw-cracking howl and came, his last heavy thrust flattened me to the bed and he didn’t pull out, dumping his massive load into me.

            “Aah…”

            He slumped to his knees, his head on my back, he finally let go of my hair, his arms went around my thighs, like he was hugging me against him.

            “Kensei,” I croaked, my tears frozen in my eyes. “Let me up.”

            “MMM.” He murmured and got up, crawled onto the bed and went limp, asleep.

            I got to my feet and nearly fell, my vision whirled. There was a large wet spot on the bed, both red and white, I picked up Kensei’s abandoned jinbei and used it to clean up my thighs and ass, though without healing I’d continue to bleed. I got on a kimono and lurched out of the bedroom. One hand on the wall to keep my balance, my other hand held out to feel the air. My vision tunneled with black streaks narrowing down, I was about to pass out but I couldn’t, not yet.

            “Akari.” I shuffled into the nursery and flipped on the light. It flashed against the stark black running along the sides of my eyes, it was closing in, I could see the crib, see small arms and legs writhing. “Mommy’s here, I’m right here.”

            I leaned over the crib and tucked my daughter to my chest. “Akari, I’m here, its okay.”

            Akari’s eyes were screwed shut, tears rolling down her chubby face, mouth open as she dragged in deep breaths to scream them back out. My knees were shaking so bad, like I was a thin tree about to be blown right off my roots. I had to sit down and slumped onto the rocking chair. The pain made me scream and Akari jumped, her cries increased. I held her against my chest and started to rock, closing my eyes.

            I summoned a Hell butterfly for Kira, as I started to slip to the floor as unconsciousness pulled me under.

            _Kisuke…_


	17. Wedding Night Aftermath

            I woke up in the hospital, a bassinet at the foot of the bed with Akari sleeping in it.

            I was on my stomach with a heating pad on my back and bottom, the heat had done its job and I didn’t feel so sore.

            I sat up and pushed the heating pads aside. I was bruised, my wrist, thigh, chest, stomach and waist, all from Kensei’s rough abusive hands.

            The door opened and Lieutenant Isane walked in. She gave me a soft smile. “How do you feel?”

            “I’m fine,” I said truthfully. “What happened while I was out?”

            “A lot.” She sighed and took a seat at my bedside. “You sent Lieutenant Kira a very disoriented message with Akari screaming in the background. He rushed to the captain’s quarters, the door was open. He saw the Captain Muguruma sleeping in the master bedroom with a lot of blood, then a trail of blood down the hall. He found you unconscious on the floor with Akari also on the floor, you were very bloody and bruised. He contacted us as well as the Detention Unit. You needed surgery for ripping and tears in your bowels. Akari is fine, she had a some bruising on her head and stomach from where she hit the floor. Captain Muguruma was arrested for domestic violence but he’s been released from prison on bail and has a trial scheduled to plead his case. We also need to get your statement.”

            I shook my head slowly. “I can’t Isane. The way your Captain interrogated me last time, I can’t go through it again.”

            “It’ll be different this time.” Captain Unohana answered, walking in and caught what I said. “The case before was a lesser rank accusing his superior of rape. This time is a civil suit of mistreatment between spouses. The both of you are on the same rank now, husband and wife. There is a lot of evidence, pictures included, that shows how you were treated on your wedding night. I can’t see the courts deciding it was mutual consent this time. In all honesty, I haven’t seen that much blood at a crime scene without a body on the floor.”

            I flinched, that was disgusting imagery.

            “Captain,” said Isane softly.

            “Let’s start,” said Captain Unohana, taking Isane’s seat.

            This time the questioning was different, there was no innuendo or trying to put words in my mouth or twist the truth. It was straight-forward and I managed to stay calm and answer as truthfully as I could. Kensei had said he wasn’t going to touch me, we started to argue then physically fight that turned into him raping me so brutally that I bled enough to lose consciousness. If I hadn’t called for Kira and he hadn’t come as fast as he did and was able to administer first-aid, I would have bled to death.

            After the questioning, I was sent home. Home was the captain’s quarters with Kensei, but when I got there he wasn’t around. The hallway and bedroom had been cleaned, thankfully. I put Akari to bed then felt completely helpless, leaning against the wall by her nursery.

            _What am I supposed to do? Kensei is evil, I can see that now. He doesn’t care about anything or anyone but himself. How can I live like this?_

            Then the front door opened but Kensei didn’t come in, he was talking to whoever it was outside. What he said made my stomach freeze over.

            “Listen, Shūhei is a lying deceitful whore and he likes to play the victim. Don’t give me that look, I’m telling the truth. Everything that’s happened to me is wholly and completely Shūhei’s fault and he’s doing it on purpose, taking revenge on me for the fact I never accepted his so-called love.”

            I slowly walked out of the hallway and saw Kensei in the doorway, his back to me, with several other captains standing outside, listening to him. Captain-Commander Shunsui Kyōraku, Captain Byakuya Kuchiki and Captain Zaraki Kenpachi. If they saw me behind Kensei, listening, none of them made eye contact or gave me any attention. Kensei didn’t turn around either, still talking, still saying those evil ugly lies.

            “He’s on an one-man mission to ruin my life and everyone is letting him get away with it. At court next week, I’ll get on my hands and knees and _beg_ Central 46 to send Shūhei to the Human World forever. He says that he loves Urahara more than he loves me, so why should he stay here and be married to me? He’s a viper that’s poisoned everyone’s minds against me and he’s intent on sucking the blood out of me, on taking away everything I have, that I’ve worked for. I can’t take this anymore.”

            “Well the pictures don’t lie Muguruma,” said Zaraki, scratching the top of his head, his bells jingled. “That was a whole lot of blood, and unless you’re saying Shūhei cut himself up on purpose, then the fact remains you screwed him so hard he bled that much.”

            Kensei’s fists clenched. “The fucking bastard _likes_ it that rough! He does! God! If only there was a way I could show you how he acted in that bedroom! He was thrusting back on me, he was doing the work! He even moaned Urahara’s name! He’s playing all of you for fools and you’re just taking it! Shūhei is-”

            “That’s enough.” I finally spoke, my voice dry and thin.

            Kensei turned around and the furious contorted look on his face was enough to make me want to run and hide, but I knew he couldn’t hurt me with three other captains there, including the Captain-Commander, so I could speak freely.

            “You’re wrong about me Kensei,” I said, tears watered my eyes but I didn’t let them fall and my voice shook, so I steeled it, lifting my chin up. “Everything you’ve said is a lie.”

            “Can’t fucking prove it by me!” Kensei spat at me, his face mottled red, his brown eyes hateful. “Can’t you see what you’ve done to me? In one night, one night you changed everything and even now you pretend you’re innocent!”

            “I am innocent!” I shrieked at him. “Yes, I get it! I got in the bed naked with you, FINE! I was just trying to sleep, understand?? You’re the one who took it to the next level! I begged you to stop, I told you I didn’t want it! And-”

            “DON’T FUCK WITH ME SHŪHEI!” Kensei grabbed the coat rack and flung it, it crashed into the kitchen table, he also had tears in his eyes, tears from rage. “You keep spewing that shit like I’ll think its roses! You’re in love with me, you always have been! I know how you act, you laugh and tell everyone off about it but every day you stand close to me, you give me eyes, you touch my skin! You’re a two-faced bitch! You love me with one hand and the other hand you stab me in the back!”

            _Is this supposed to be my dual nature, my inner ability? It works with other people besides me? I cared about Kensei almost more than I cared about myself, he was everything to me. Yet somehow I’ve come across this way to him. I love him and hate him. He just hates me, there is no love for me or Akari from this man. And there never will be._

            “Fine.” I swallowed back a hard chunk of emotion. I looked past Kensei to the three captains. Kyōraku was pale, Byakuya looked disgusted, Zaraki was staring at us like we were crazy. “Captain-Commander Kyōraku, I’d like to request that I’m allowed to move out of the captain quarters and to my own place. I’m not the lieutenant in Division Nine and seeing as Captain Muguruma and I are incompatible to live together, there’s no point in me staying here.”

            “P-per-permission granted.” He stuttered at first, his eyes widened. “Do you need any assistance moving out?”

            “A carriage please,” I said and Kensei walked away, the bedroom door slammed. Akari began to cry and I said, “Thank you for your understanding.”

            “Hold on there missy.” Captain Zaraki caught my arm and pulled me back as I turned to leave. “Now we just got an earful about how Muguruma feels about this and here you stand as cool and calm as an iceberg. You’ve got some talking to do.”

            “Later,” I said firmly. “My daughter needs me. Please let me go.”

            Zaraki’s eyes cinched but Captain Kuchiki said, “Let him go Kenpachi. The baby needs seeing to.”

            He let me go and I went to Akari. She needed changing, so I changed her then strapped her to my chest while I began to take apart her crib and changing table, packing it back into the boxes. There was a knock and I looked up.

            Kira stood there, along with Lieutenant Tetsuzaemon Iba and Third Seat Ikkaku Madarame. I couldn’t read their expressions and I just turned my face away, saying quietly, “If you could help me pack the carriage, I’d appreciate it.”

            “Talk,” started Ikkaku but Iba cut him off. “Let’s get the baby settled in the new place first Ikkaku. Come on, like he said, pack the carriage.”

            I couldn’t do much because of Akari on my chest but I carried the clothes in their bags and the diaper bag. The carriage held everything and the donkey plodded off with us walking by it. I didn’t say anything, just gently stroked Akari’s slick black hair. Her face was plump and red, she looked terrible.

            _How many times has she cried since I’ve been here? I couldn’t even sleep one night successfully. Kensei and I…we aren’t even friends anymore. After all we’ve been through together, from him saving me when I was a little boy, to working together, now to this. He hates me and…I hate him now too._

            The place was in a dorm for the unseated officers, someone had transferred to another division and left a room. It was two rooms, a bedroom then the kitchen and living room shared the same space, with one communal bathroom for each floor.

            I didn’t complain, this was better than living with Kensei. I set up Akari’s crib in my room and laid her inside then had the changing table and the rest of her supplies taking up the living room.

            Then Ikkaku sat me down on the couch. “Now talk. Shūhei, if you could hear the nasty things Kensei’s been telling everyone you’d be jumping at the chance to speak for yourself.”

            “I have a good idea of what he’s been saying,” I said quietly, his heated ugly words he was telling the captains earlier still fresh in my mind.

            _A viper. Two-faced bitch. A lying deceitful whore. A fucking bastard. I like to play the victim. He said all of those things and he actually believes it._

            “Shūhei,” Iba looked at me, actually taking off his sunglasses so I could see his intense eyes. “We want to help, all of us want to help you but holing yourself up in the house and not speaking isn’t helping. The scandal you and Captain Muguruma have made is immense and ridiculous, its turning into a blood bath. We’ve seen the pictures and heard the reports. You’ve made it sound from the start that the Ninth Division Captain has been brutally raping you, he’s saying that you’re lying and purposely trying to ruin his career. The both of you have wildly different stories and no one knows what to believe. So talk. What the _hell_ is going on?”

            I didn’t want to tell the whole story just to three people, then have to repeat it. So I decided to make an article to be run in the Seireitei Communication.

            _Shūhei Muguruma Tells All: An In-depth Look to the Ninth Division Scandal._

            With all of my friends at my side, I talked to them as I wrote up rough drafts, through editing and revising, while making sure everything that came out of my mouth and went on paper was the truth. It took several days, with my friends making sure I had food to eat and I took care of Akari, feeding her, changing her and holding her close to me, making sure she knew she was loved.

            The article was released in the Seireitei Communication two days before the court hearing about the wedding night. We sold out within two hours and had to keep printing only to keep selling out. We broke the bank records on our profit for just one day.

            Lieutenants Rangiku, Rukia and Momo came to visit me the night before the hearing. Akari laid across my lap, sucking on a pacifier while I sat on the living room floor.

            “I still can’t believe you’ve gone through all of that Shūhei,” said Rukia, looking tearful. “Your story, all ten pages of it, I couldn’t stop crying. It was like a brutal bloody romance story with no happy ending. First your love for Kensei is betrayed with his rough treatment, then meanwhile you and Kisuke fall sweetly in love, punctuated by Kensei showing up just to be hateful. Then you’re torn away from Kisuke by court orders, desolate for months, then ordered into marriage, you get married and Kensei nearly causes you to bleed to death on the wedding night, then you’re kicked out of your home to live in a hovel like this. Its not fair! The courts had better do something about this Shūhei! You can’t live like this!”

            “What do you want them to do?” I didn’t refute her beginning statement that I loved Kensei because yes, I did, but I just wasn’t _in_ love with him. Maybe that was too thin of a line to split. “Central 46 never overturns their rulings. Kensei and I are married until Akari is old enough to take care of herself. Its that simple.”

            Rangiku crossed her arms tightly. “Dammit. This whole situation stinks. I hear Kensei’s foul mouth and then you’re so calm. Its like while Kensei has lost his damned mind you’re acting completely unruffled.”

            “Oh I am very ruffled,” I said softly. “However Akari is sensitive to strong emotion and I don’t want her to be upset if I’m crying and screaming all the time. Please believe me, I am very upset and the only reason I don’t wish none of this has happened is because then Akari wouldn’t exist.”

            I looked down at her. Her black hair was slowly ruffling up from her scalp, it was going to be shaggy and thick like Kensei’s. Her pink skin was smooth, her lips pursed around the pacifier. Her arms and legs were pudgy, fingers and toes curled up tight. She opened her eyes and blinked at me with the ebony-grey crystal irises. Then they sunk back closed, her lashes resting on her round cheeks.

            “I love Akari more than anyone else,” I looked up at the three women. “And right now, everything I do is for her. I left Kensei’s place not because of how he was treating me, but because if something happened to me who would take care of her? Yes, I nearly died with just one night with him. What else could go wrong? Kensei hates the very sight of me and he doesn’t care about Akari at all. I’m the only one who does, I’m her only parent. I have to take care of myself so I can take care of her.”

            “You’re so strong Shūhei…” Momo looked at me with stark emotional eyes. “After reading your story, I felt like going on a rampage. How could Captain Muguruma do something like that to you? How does someone pick up and go on after being treated like that?”

            “You have to think of someone other than yourself,” I said. “If it was just me, if Kensei raped me and I didn’t get pregnant, I could very easily just decide to die, to give up. But I couldn’t do that, I had someone else I had to think about. Akari is number one to me, she’s everything.”

            I scooped her into my arms and cuddled her against my face, listening to her breathing. “If there is anything good Kensei has done, is bless me with my daughter.”

            _About the daughter Shūhei…_ Kazeshini’s voice slithered in my head. _She’s about to be an older sister._

            I closed my eyes so tight red and yellow sunbursts blew off on the black backdrop. My heart slumped and burned in my stomach.

            _The wedding night Shūhei, last week_ , Kazeshini reminded me. _He didn’t use protection and it was a brutal raping. Dual nature strikes again. If you don’t want to have kids, use a condom or stop being raped._

            “Shūhei?”

            “Shūhei what’s wrong?”

            “Are you okay? You’re so pale.”

            I opened my eyes and couldn’t stop the tears running down.

            “I’m pregnant.” I said it hoarsely, ripped from my chest. “Kazeshini just told me. I’m a week along.”

            Momo’s jaw dropped. Rukia sucked in a quick shocked breath.

            Rangiku said quietly, “There’s no way the courts will agree to a divorce if you’re pregnant. They’ll just order that you stay married so that the next baby is legitimate.”

            “Then he won’t tell them,” said Momo, swallowing hard then breathing angrily. “If he’s only a week, he won’t show or have any symptoms. He can tell the entire truth but just keep his pregnancy omitted. Simple.”

            Rukia clasped her face, her eyes shocked. “So what is Shūhei going to do then? He’s an unseated officer, currently not on the payroll, living in a single bedroom door with a newborn and a second on the way. How is he going to support himself?”

            “He needs to get his lieutenant position back,” said Rangiku.

            “I can’t.” I spoke up. “I don’t have the time or energy and now that I know I’m pregnant, I’m not even safe to take up that intense position. Lieutenant’s go to the Human World to fight Hollows, I can’t do that. With a newborn, I won’t have time to keep up with paperwork. Also, I know exactly how pregnancy is, I’ll be tired and sick, I won’t even have the energy to do little things. With Kisuke, he took very good care of me. And when I was living with the Kurosaki’s, they also took a lot of the burden off.”

            “Well you’re not going back to the Human World Shūhei,” said Rangiku somewhat pointedly. “You’re not human and you weren’t really supposed to fall in love with Urahara either. You’re a shinigami, remember? You have to make your life work _here_ , in the Soul Society, where you belong. Central 46 will probably order you to move back in with your husband, regardless if you tell them that you’re pregnant or not. Central 46 are sticklers for the rules and reputations. This scandal that’s going on is pissing them off in a major way. Look, you should get some sleep, it’s a big day tomorrow.”

            I nodded, made my goodbyes and put Akari in her crib. I went to my bedroom, which was the size of my closet back in my lieutenant quarters, laid down and slept.


	18. What Makes A Family

            Bright and early, I arrived at the courthouse at the time on the subpoena, seven-thirty.

            The courthouse was packed with people, including all the captains and lieutenants. I didn’t know it was going to be an open court but I bet even if it had been closed people would have shown up anyway, it looked like half the Gotei 13 were here. I left Akari in the pew with Kira and stood at the stand with Kensei at my side. Kensei didn’t look at me or tense up or blink, he might as well been standing there alone.

            “Order in the court, order!” The judge banged his gavel on the podium. “I call for order! Order!”

            The court slowly sunk into silence.

            “Good, now. Kensei Muguruma and Shūhei Muguruma, we’ve called you here due to a case that was brought before us. Kensei Muguruma was accused of being overly rough on the wedding night, rough to the point to cause excessive bleeding from his wife Shūhei Muguruma. Shūhei was admitted to the hospital with severe injuries that spoke of brutal raping and a physical beating, bruises on his stomach, waist, shoulder, thigh and chest, along with bleeding from the scalp that came from hair pulling. Kensei was arrested then released on bail. Now, Kensei Muguruma, how do you plead to the charges of spousal rape and domestic violence?”

            Kensei’s arms buckled, his jaw clenched but his voice came out deep and strong. “Not guilty.”

            There were mumblings and cries of protest from the crowd.

            “Not guilty?”

            “That’s impossible, there’s proof!”

            “What about Shūhei’s article? He told the truth!”

            “Captain Muguruma’s a liar!”

            “Silence!” The judge banged the gavel loudly. “I say silence!”

            The court quieted.

            “Kensei Muguruma.” The judge looked at him. “We have looked over the case file, there are pictures that defy your words, along with Shūhei Muguruma’s statement and the health records turned in by Captain Unohana. Can you deny the fact that Shūhei bled during intercourse?”

            Kensei’s fists knuckled with loud popping sounds but he spoke firmly, “No, I cannot deny that. Shūhei did bleed.”

            “Do you believe he bled due to unnecessary force?”

            Kensei’s eyes narrowed to slits and I realized something. The judge was doing to him what Unohana had done to me that first time. He was asking questions that were designed to make Kensei say something incriminating against himself. The judge was going to twist his words around.

            _This isn’t right. This isn’t how to find the truth, to get justice. I hated it when Captain Unohana did it to me,  sick and angry and wronged. But there’s nothing I can do here, I can’t speak out of turn. Besides, isn’t this what I wanted? To force Kensei to see he was the one in the wrong, that I’m not a liar?_

            Kensei said, “No I don’t. Shūhei is a bleeder, he just does that naturally.”

            I didn’t know _what_ to say to such ignorance and the court exploded in shouts, boos and protests.

            The judge stood up abruptly. “If this crowd makes one more outburst, I’m clearing the court and no one will be allowed in. So SHUT IT!”

            I never heard a judge speak like that before but the crowd went completely silent.

            “Now, Kensei.” The judge sat back down. “By a bleeder, you’ve made it sound like its normal and natural for one to bleed during intercourse, which would be if one is a virginal woman. However during anal intercourse if one bleeds its because there wasn’t enough lubricant or because the force was unnecessary. You say that you didn’t use force, then can you say you didn’t use enough lubricant?”

            My face was red and now Kensei had flushed red as well, his ears and the back of his neck also colored.

            _God this is so embarrassing. All of our business, all of our dirty laundry is being aired out for the entire world to see, to hear. Can’t anything be done to stop this?_

            “I didn’t use any lubricant sir.” Kensei’s voice trembled with banked rage.

            “Is that so? You didn’t use lubricant and you say you didn’t use unnecessary force. Shūhei Muguruma,” the judge turned to me. “Do you believe that your husband used unnecessary force that night?”

            “Yes sir he did.” My voice was calm and clear, yes, on the inside I was hating this but I wasn’t going to back down now. We had to come to a resolution, if not for our peace of mind, but for Akari.

            “And how would you rate this force? One being least amount of force and ten being extremely rough.”

            _What the hell kind of question is that?? It was rape, okay?? It was brutal and he nearly killed me! Why is he going into so much detail??_

            I took a steady breath and saw Kensei glaring at me, his brown eyes were livid and my breath died.

        _This man feels a hate for me worse than a Hollow. I’m the source of his greatest pain, his struggle. He said I’ve ruined his life and his career, and he’s right, I did. But it wasn’t my fault, I never asked for any of this. If he had only stopped when I told him to stop, if we never had sex in the first place, none of this would have ever happened. We’d still be good friends, still be Captain and Lieutenant, and there would be no Akari. And this baby I’m carrying now wouldn’t be here either._

            “Shūhei!” The judge snapped. “Answer.”

            “The force was around an eight,” I said, looking at him. “I bled because there was no lubricant and I was not prepared for his entry, along with the unnecessary force. Sir, I’d like to request that I am divorced from Captain Muguruma and allowed to return to the Human World.”

            There was a huge collective gasp and Kensei made the first grin I’ve seen him make in almost a year, since this whole mess started.

            “Thank you!” Kensei nodded. “Just as he said! I agree! I second that request! Let him run back to that bastard Urahara! Get him the fuck out of here!”

            The judge banged his gavel several times. “I call a twenty minute recess.” He stood and left the room by a side door.

            I walked away from the stand to sit with Kira and Akari, the other lieutenants, my friends, crowded with me. Kensei went to sit with the Captains, I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the how loud the court was, but I could see his aggressive smile.

            I picked up Akari from her carrier, she snuggled against me and looked at me with drowsy eyes.

            “Do you really think they’ll let you leave the Soul Society?” Kira looked worried. “I mean, what are you asking really? To be an exile, like Urahara?”

            “Yes,” I said. “The life I had with Urahara, while it was nothing like being a lieutenant, I had come to love it and see it as normal. It was idyllic, there was nothing wrong with it. And now that,” I stopped before I said, _I’m pregnant again._ I said instead, “Now that its clear that Kensei and I are completely incompatible together, there’s no way they’ll force us to stay together.”

            Renji asked, “What about if someone else asks to marry you in his place?” His eyes were on my face and hair, then trailed my body. _Ugh._

            I had meant to cut my hair, it was reaching my waist now but it was the farthest thing from my mind. Also I hadn’t picked up a dumbbell in almost a year, I had no abs or biceps to speak of.

            I said, “The only man I want to marry right now is Kisuke Urahara. If I can’t marry him, then no one.”

            Ikkaku chuckled and elbowed Renji in the ribs, it looked like it hurt though as Renji winced. “Leave Shūhei alone. He’s got enough problems without you trying to be another one.”

            Renji rubbed the spot, saying in an almost whine, “I had to at least say something. Don’t act like any of you don’t think Shūhei is hot as hell like this.”

            I flinched. _Hot as hell? God, gross, someone help._

            Rangiku glared at Renji. “Really? Honestly, you think that’s what Shūhei needs to hear right now? His life is in complete turmoil and you’re just thinking about sex.”

            Renji shrugged, but rather than indifference, it was acceptance. “I’m just a man Rangiku, just a man.”

            “The last thing he really needs is a man,” sniffed Momo. “Especially a man who just thinks about sex all the time.”

            An argument broke out over my head, about men and sex. I didn’t listen, just watched Akari falling asleep.

            Then a loud shout rang out. “Court is back in session! Kensei and Shūhei Muguruma, at the stand!”

            I tucked Akari back into the carrier and stood up, walking over to the stand with Kensei. Kensei was now clearly nervous, rocking on the balls of his feet, some sweat on his brow.

            _This is what he wants, what he’s wanted for months, even before Akari was born, all he wanted was for me to stay away from him. How do things turn out like this?_

            “We’ve come to a decision,” said the judge and the crowd went silent.

            I clasped my fingers together.

            _Let me go back to Kisuke. Please, let me go back to Kisuke._

            “After doing an extensive revisiting of all the case files,” said the judge. “Starting from the first case in which rape was accused nine months and one week ago until the case last week of spousal rape and domestic violence. The court now makes its final ruling.”

            Kensei had his head bowed, eyes closed, his shoulders coiled tight.

            _Is it just me or is the man praying? He refused to bless his food last week and now he turns to God. Let’s see who gets their prayers answered. Please, let me go back to Kisuke._

            The judge flipped through some papers then cleared his throat, facing the breathless crowd, my eyes on him, Kensei was now looking at the ceiling. Waiting.

            “Kensei Muguruma and Shūhei Muguruma, we’re ordering you to marriage counseling, every week on Wednesday, as held by Captain Retsu Unohana. You will _not_ be divorced and our decision stands, you will stay married until Akari Muguruma is at an age to take care of herself. This case is _closed_. Court dismissed!”

            With that, it was over. The judge slammed down his gavel and stood up, leaving. Kensei thudded on the floor on his knees, his back bowed and his hands crunched onto the wooden floor. I couldn’t see his expression but I did see the water start to pool.

            _He’s crying. The great unshakable fierce Captain Kensei Muguruma has been reduced to tears. I did this to him. Its true, if Kensei hadn’t raped me in the first place, none of this would have happened. But…I should take some blame. Why didn’t I put on clothes before getting in the bed? Or, why didn’t I just kill the cockroaches and sleep on the floor as planned? I’ve slept in worse conditions when I was younger than cockroaches, why did I act like I was so frightened of bugs? Maybe all of this truly is my fault, from the start, its all because of me._

            “Come on Shūhei.” Hands took my arm. “We have to move you back into the captain’s quarters. Akari is crying too.”

            I turned away from Kensei and accepted Akari into my arms, Rangiku passed her to me, while Kira was holding the carrier. The courtroom was deafening, people talking or shouting or arguing. I looked back. Captain Jūshirō Ukitake was kneeling by Kensei, his hand on his back patting him, I could see his mouth moving but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Kensei’s shoulders were shaking, large ragged trembles at a time. I wanted to be sick. I did this.

            “Come on Shūhei.” Renji urged me forward. “Leave him. He has people who will look after him.”

            With my friends, I again packed away Akari’s crib and changing table, all of her effects, along with my things, and put them in a carriage. Everyone helped me move back in, then I had to feed Akari. I sat on the couch holding a bottle to her hungry mouth, everyone else was either standing or sitting on the floor.

            Rangiku, Momo and Rukia were all sharing looks then looked at me with firm eyes. I knew they were right, I couldn’t just keep quiet. It was true, if the courts had decided to send me back to Urahara, I would have left without telling Kensei I had become pregnant again, its not like he would have cared. However now that I was not going back and I was forced to stay, I didn’t have the right to keep my pregnancy a secret.

            Kira noticed the looks and looked at me. “Okay, I saw that. Talk. What are you girls hiding?”

            That pricked.

            _I’m not a girl! Okay, long hair and smooth skin and a soft body, I get it. However I am STILL a man! Yes, I can get pregnant but that’s because of my dual nature! I have a penis, I don’t have breasts! Dammit._

            “Shūhei!”

            I jumped at the collective shout then said clearly, “I’m pregnant. From the wedding night. I’m a week along.”

            All the men groaned or dropped to their knees. Renji looked pale. Kira’s one visible eye stretched wide. Iba clasped his head with both hands. Ikkaku gasped then began to choke and hack. These were the only lieutenants and other higher-ranking officers who had come around me. Lieutenant of Second Division Ōmaeda never showed his face. Lieutenant of Twelfth Division Nemu didn’t come around either. Lieutenant of Fourth Division Isane of course was with her captain at all times but she was nice to me when we met. Lieutenant Nanao Ise hadn’t come to see me once. Lieutenant of Eleventh Division Yachiru was with her captain at all times though I didn’t see her when Captain Zaraki was at the door. I guess its true, the saying that you know who your true friends are by who’s around you once things get hard.

            Renji’s brow wrinkled then he said, “If the courts had decided you could go back to the Human World, were you going to tell Kensei he had impregnated you again?”

            I shook my head. “No, he wouldn’t have cared. All Kensei cares about is himself, his career, his happiness, his reputation. He’s never wanted Akari from the start. First he ordered me to abort her, then when I refused, he grew extremely angry. Then when I was five months along, I nearly suffered a miscarriage. When I managed to keep her, he asked me why I didn’t just let her die, let the miscarriage complete in his words. Once I told him to get away from me, he grew angry and left after saying he never wanted to see me again. Fact is, Kensei hates me, he does. He hates everything that’s happened and he believes it to all be my fault. If Central 46 can’t see that we can’t along, then I’ll do my best to keep Akari and our second child out of Kensei’s way.”

            “That’s no way to live Shūhei,” said Rukia softly. “I actually…well…I think Central 46 just might have made the right decision.”

            Everyone stared at her, even I couldn’t believe it. She swallowed then said, shakily at first, “The fact is, I grew up without parents, without anyone. I had friends and then I got adopted, but the fact is I never had parents, never had a father or a mother. I just think that Akari deserves to have two parents and now that she’s going to be an older sister, she deserves to have a full home, a complete family. Captain Unohana will be an excellent marriage counselor and I think she’ll be able to break down the barriers you and Captain Kensei have put up towards either. I know you say you love Kisuke and Kisuke loves you back, but Kisuke is an exile. You had a very prestigious position here and Akari is going to be a shinigami, same with her little sibling. They should be able to go to the Academy, get formal training, become just as great as their parents. If you kept them in the Human World they’ve never reach their potential. I know it’ll be hard Shūhei, but if you say Captain Kensei only thinks about himself, then _teach_ him to think about his daughter. Akari is his firstborn and you’re having another one. You’re making a family together Shūhei, you should be thinking about protecting your family, not tearing it apart.”

            The room was silent after her little speech.

            My eyes burned with tears then they slid down my cheeks. “You’re right Rukia, totally right. All I could think about was how much I loved Kisuke and how much I wanted to be back with him, and in effect, that’s me only thinking about myself. Akari’s true father is Kensei and…I should be getting him to see what a treasure he has in her. I thought that having Kisuke be Akari’s father would be better but how would she feel growing up knowing that her real father wishes she was never born? If I can reach out to Kensei, get him to feel love for her then that’s what really matters.”

            Everyone was nodding and making agreeing sounds and I pulled the empty bottle out of Akari’s mouth. Her face screwed and I put her against my shoulder, gently tapping her back. She hiccupped then relaxed.

            “So.” Momo perked up. “Are you having another girl or a boy now Shūhei?”

             Her question hit me like I had been poleaxed.

            _Holy crap…it  just sunk in. I’m PREGNANT! I just went through ALL of that with Akari and now I’m doing it again! I didn’t even get a break! The fatigue, the nausea, the swollen ankles, the weight gain, my mood swings! Again! Plus the fact I have to take care of Akari by myself, so I won’t be able to just lay in bed all day, there’s no one to bring me breakfast in bed, I can’t relax at all!_

            Ikkaku laughed. “Shūhei looks like he just got dropkicked. I just hope its not twins.”

            _KAZESHINI!!_ I roared for him. _For the love of God tell me I’m not having twins!_

            _Hmm…_ Reiatsu shifted around inside of me, searching. _I can’t tell. At a week its still just a bunch of cells, a blastocyst. You’ll just have to find out later._

            I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t know and really.” A small smile quirked my lips. “I can’t really care. If it’s a boy, another girl, if its twins or not, he or she is still my child and I love him or her. Even if Kensei is hateful they’ll know how much I love them. I grew up with nothing so my job is to make sure my children have everything I can possibly give.”

            Everyone agreed and it was time to leave, but Renji hung back. Ikkaku gave him a stern look and Rukia looked upset but Renji just waved them off. I had already put Akari down in her crib but now I wished I was holding her again, to ward him off.

            “I’m apologizing.” He said upfront. “I’ve made suggestive comments and inappropriate looks at you that I know made you uncomfortable, so I’m sorry. We’re supposed to be friends, and we are, that’s also all we can be. You’re married with a child and another on the way, the last thing you need is for me to be lusting after you. I can’t say I’ll stop thinking you’re sexy but I will stop mentioning it. You don’t have to worry about me anymore, I’ll keep my eyes and hands to myself, okay?”           

            I nodded eagerly and smiled at him. “Thank you Renji, I really appreciate it. I know how feminine I apparently look now but I’m _not_ a female, I don’t feel like a woman at all.”

            “Apparently look?” Renji’s brow cocked. “Shūhei, damn, look in the mirror babe. Pregnancy did something to you that I can’t explain. Everything about you has changed, even your voice is softer and warmer. Your pecs are fuller, your arms softer, you have a pair of hips, with your long hair, your rounder lips, your eyes are bigger, you look straight up like a very sensual woman. Well, like I said, I’ll leave you alone.”

            Still…” His eyes went to my lips. “Can I have one kiss? Please.” He added when I opened my mouth to refuse. “Just something to take with me, to help me let go. If I don’t have anything, I’ll just keep harping, keep thinking on it. If I have one taste, I’ll be satisfied and move on.”

            _Ugh…such pressure. Kisuke was the last man to kiss me, and I loved him. I don’t love Renji at all and he’s just my friend. However if all Renji needs is a kiss to help stop lusting after me, then I guess its not too much of a hardship._

            “Okay,” I said softly and took a step forward. Renji’s hands touched my side and spanned down my waist before his hands clasped firmly on my hips, his palms were wide and heavy, his fingers were long and cupped my bottom.

            Sudden fear took my breath away, I froze but Renji’s head came down and his lips pressed to mine. I leaned my head back but his hand then took my chin and held me still, his tongue flicked at the seam of my mouth, I flinched but opened up, letting his tongue inside.

            _Just give him his one kiss and he’ll be done._

            “What the fuck?” The door slammed.

            I jumped back and Renji turned around. Kensei stood in the front entryway, his eyes on us. He looked shell-shocked, then a sneer twisted his face. He looked at me like I was the most hideous thing he had ever had the misfortune to see.

            “So first you fuck me over.” He started in a low dark voice. “Then you get Urahara to fall in love with you. Now you’re fucking Abarai in my house. You slut, you just can’t be satisfied.”

            Tears rolled down my face, my stomach pitched. I wanted to be sick, no, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

            “It-it-it’s not like that,” I whispered, choked.

            “The hell its not!” Kensei snapped at me viciously. “You were kissing him, ready to get down right here in my living room! You’re a nasty filthy bitch!”

            “That’s enough!” Renji shouted and stepped in front of me, trying to protect me from Kensei’s dirty mouth. “If you really want to know, I pressured him into kissing me! He didn’t want to, I know he didn’t but I made him! Shūhei is a good man, I know him well and everything that’s gone on isn’t what he wants!”

            “Yeah I know what Shūhei wants!” Kensei shot back at him. “He wants to ruin every man he gets his claws into! Turning men into whimpering crying pussies is how he gets his rocks off! He did it to me, he’s done it to Urahara and now he’s after you! He won’t stop until every fucking shinigami in the Gotei 13 is nothing but a pile of shit!”

            “YOU’RE WRONG!” I screamed at Kensei, stepping around Renji. “That’s not true!”

            “YES IT IS!” With that, Kensei lunged at me and only Renji getting between us stopped Kensei from ripping me into pieces.

            Akari wailed from her nursery, I ran to her, the thuds and crashes from the living room were like stabs in my heart.

            _This can’t work! Kensei and I are completely unable to live peacefully!_

            I scooped up Akari into my arms and thought about fleeing through the window, but where would I run to? Urahara? How? I’d need to get permission to go through the Senkaimon and the courts had refused me to divorce Kensei, they said the case was closed, they’d no longer have anything to do with us.

            The living room went silent then a door crashed, the house shook. Akari was still crying but it seemed nothing I did was calming her down. Heavy and tromping footsteps neared the nursery and it was Renji who showed up in the doorway. His shihakusho was torn in places, his nose was bleeding, his upper lip busted, his left eye was discolored and a bruise spreading over his forehead.

            He said, breathing hard, “Kensei just left, I don’t know where he went or if he’s coming back. Shūhei, its not safe for you here. Yeah, I agree you two need counseling but in the meanwhile, there’s no way you can live together.”

            “We just moved me back in,” I said, rocking Akari against my chest but she kept squalling, her body shaking, tears gushing from her eyes. “Where am I to go now? How can I teach Kensei to love Akari if we’re not around? How can I keep the family together, our _growing_ family if we can’t even speak civilly to each other?”

            “Talk to Unohana about that,” said Renji, wiping at the bruise on his forehead that was now beginning to bleed, his skin peeling open. “As of right now, its too dangerous. Kensei would rather kill you than look at you. I need to sit down.” As he said that, his legs gave out and he sat down right there on the floor, he winced and put his arm around his chest, saying thickly, “Kensei broke my ribs. One punch. The man is incredibly strong.”

            I sent a Hell butterfly calling for Division Four to help, meanwhile I strapped Akari to my chest then got some bandages for Renji’s forehead as the wound bleed enough to drip over his hurt eye down his cheek.

            “I’m so sorry,” I said shakily, tears blurring my eyes. “This is my fault.”

            “Nah.” He closed that swelling eye and leaned his head on the door, his breathing was heaving and pained. His unhurt eye focused on me, he looked serious and regretful. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. Regardless of how I feel, you’re married. I should have known Kensei would return and of course he’d lose his shit. Hush Akari.” He said softly and the baby girl shuddered into silence, pressing her face against my soft chest, sniffing.

            I was completely shocked. “How did you do that?”

            Renji’s other eye closed and he didn’t answer, he was still breathing but he had suddenly lost consciousness.

            Several Division Four members arrived along with Lieutenant Isane. They got Renji on a stretcher back to the hospital while Isane took me to the side for my statement. When I told her Kensei had walked in on me and Renji kissing, she gave me a look. The look said, _what the hell is your problem?_ I had never seen Isane make that expression before.

            I bowed my head in shame, turning my eyes to Akari who had fallen asleep.

            I said quietly, “Renji pressured me into the kiss. I didn’t want to but I did because he said if I did then he’d stop thinking about me sexually.”

            “Shūhei Muguruma,” Isane’s voice was firm, something the peaceful meek Isane never sounded like before. “This situation is already wildly out of hand and now you’re fanning the flames.”

            “It wasn’t my fault…” I sounded weak and tears came to my eyes again.

            _I’m so tearful because of my hormones. I really am pregnant, its starting all over again._

            “What are you hiding now?” Isane’s hand touched my knee. “I see it in your face. What haven’t you said?”

            “I’m pregnant,” I answered. “From the wedding night. Kensei didn’t use protection. So I’m a week along. Isane.” I looked at her clearly. “I know Central 46 has closed the case, so all of our decisions are our own now. Kensei tried to kill me and if it wasn’t for Renji, he would have. I can’t stay here, I just can’t. I’ll still do the marriage counseling, because we dearly need it, but until Kensei’s hate has died down, its not safe here, not for me or Akari. Please, help me.”

            Isane rubbed the back of her neck, then said, “Talk to the Captain-Commander. He is the head of the entire Gotei 13 and if you’re not a lieutenant anymore and have no position, you’ll need to get orders anyway.”

            I nodded and Isane left to turn in her report to Captain Unohana and I went to the Captain-Commander’s office. I could hear Kensei’s dulcet tones from outside the building.

            “LET ME DIVORCE HIS ASS!” He was screaming at the top of his lungs. “HE’S FUCKING ABARAI BEHIND MY BACK! HE’S GOT MY DIVISION TURNED AGAINST ME, HELL THE ENTIRE GOTEI 13 HATES MY GUTS! KYŌRAKU PLEASE! PLEASE HELP ME!”

            I walked inside and saw people crowded by the door, blatantly listening. It wasn’t that they needed to be that close, Kensei was extremely loud. However I couldn’t hear Captain-Commander Kyōraku’s response.

            I went to the door, people parted to let me through. I knocked and said clearly, “Captain-Commander, its Shūhei. May I come in please?”

            “Enter.” He sounded tired and subdued.

            I walked in and closed the door solidly behind me. Kensei was by the window, his arms held over his head, he didn’t look up but his body was trembling.

            I went to the Captain-Commander’s desk, his head was down, not meeting my eyes. I hesitated then said, “I know I can’t go to the Human World but I’d like to request I live separated from Kensei. We can’t get along at this point in time. I do believe with marriage counseling we’ll learn to settle our differences and be able to live as family later on.”

            Captain-Commander Kyōraku sighed, long and slow. “Shūhei…and Kensei…this has gone on long enough. Its been nearly ten months of this scandal and it seems to keep getting worse. I’m literally at a loss. Instead of working on protecting the Soul Society and controlling Hollows, all anyone is thinking about is this crazy relationship the two of you have. The Gotei 13 has turned into a monkey circus. I’m tired of hearing who’s fault is, I’m tired of hearing who hates who. I just want this ended, finished.”

            “Then send him to the fucking Human World!” Kensei punched the wall, it cracked around the epicenter of his fist. “He keeps saying he loves that bastard Urahara, so let him go!”

            “He has been ordered to stay here Kensei,” said Kyōraku quietly, he really did sound tired. “Central 46 made their final ruling. You two are to stay married with marriage counseling with Captain Unohana. Its Monday now, so I’m saying you two are going to stay in the same home and _learn to work it out_.” His voice hardened on the last. “You’re not the only couple who’s had trouble but by law you aren’t allowed to divorce so there is only one option and that’s to figure out how to get along.”

            “Shūhei.” He looked at me with clear gray eyes. “You’re going to live with your husband and take care of your child, help take care of the house and do your best to make Kensei’s home life easier. Kensei!” He whistled sharply. “Come over here.”

            Kensei slowly turned around. I gasped. He had dark hollows under his eyes, his skin taunt over his bones. He looked worn out and exhausted. He also had a bruise over the bridge of his nose, another bruise on his cheekbone but there was dried blood on his knuckles, Renji’s blood.

            He walked over and stood next to me but didn’t look at me, his eyes on the Captain-Commander.

            “Kensei Muguruma.” Kyōraku looked at him sternly. “You are also going to be taking anger management classes.” Kensei’s jaw cracked but Kyōraku kept talking. “And I want weekly reports on your progress. You are too violent, too easily worked up into a tantrum. You have a wife who you’ve continually attempt to attack and a newborn who needs looking after. Screaming and punching and kicking isn’t a healthy attitude or environment. Marriage counseling for the both of you, anger management for Kensei and as for you Shūhei, if you feel things are getting too much, you might want to look into therapy as well. You two _must_ learn to co-exist peacefully, not only for your sake but for your child.”

            “And the second one,” I said, not able to keep quiet anymore. They both stared at me. I nodded and met Kensei’s stark cold eyes. “I was made pregnant from the wedding night. I’ll be having another baby.”

            Kensei’s eyes closed and he turned away from me before he opened them again. He swore harshly under his breath, then asked gruffly, “How can I know its my baby? Its probably that asshole Abarai’s baby.”

            “Its yours,” I said softly. “I never had sex with Renji, I never even touched him until he pressured me to let him kiss me.”

            “Why dammit?” Kensei whirled on me. “Why do you always take the blame off yourself?? You make it sound like everyone does it to you and you’re just the poor hapless victim! Goddammit take some fucking responsibility!”

            “I have taken responsibly!” I shouted back at him. “I know I shouldn’t have gotten in the bed naked with you, that was my fault! I admit that I could have just let Akari miscarry, that I didn’t have to fight to keep her alive, that I could have just let her die! I admit that everything could be different if I had just stayed on the floor that night! But I don’t care anymore! I love Akari dammit, I love her! And I love this baby I’m carrying right now! What I don’t love is _you_ Kensei!”

            Kensei snarled at me, his face purpled. “Then why don’t you just get the fuck out of my life?? Go back to Urahara if you love him so much! Why do you persist to stay here and ruin everything I’ve ever worked to have!”

            “THAT IS ENOUGH!!” There was a huge boom and a crash as Kyōraku thudded his fists on the desk and stood up with enough force the chair toppled towards the wall. “You two are at each other’s throats like a snake on a rabbit!” He glared at us, I had never seen the peaceful gentle Kyōraku lose his temper. “You can’t even talk like you have some damned sense! Its clear you two need help, a lot of help! That said, you’ll have marriage counseling three times a week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday! Kensei you’ll have anger management Tuesday and Thursday, Shūhei you’ll have therapy on those days. On the weekends, I’ll have someone sent to your house to check up on the situation and I expect to hear improvement! Now get the hell out of my office! NOW!”

            I jumped and Akari, who had been sleeping somehow, jerked awake. Her eyes flared wide then she saw Kensei next to me. She took in a quick breath from her nose but didn’t cry, just stared. Kensei caught eyes with her and I realized this was the first time either of them had looked at each other. Kensei avoided Akari at all times, Akari had only been around me and my friends.

            The room went completely silent as father and daughter surveyed each other. My heart stilled then began to pound. Akari burbled, her chubby arms lifted and reached out her father. Kensei paled and took a step back and suddenly walked away.

            He said over his shoulder, “Your orders are heard and understood Captain-Commander. I’ll start tomorrow.” Then the door thudded closed.

            Akari slumped against me and I kissed her wet forehead, saying softly, “Don’t worry Akari, he’ll come around.”

            “Good luck Shūhei,” sighed Kyōraku, picking up his chair. He was also pale. “God, you two cause enough trouble and drama to last me for the next two hundred years. Please, go and settle this. Make up with Kensei. Maybe by the time your next child comes you’ll have a happy healthy home for him or her to be born into.”

            I smiled, liking that idea. “Yes sir. Thank you for your help.”

            Kyōraku just nodded and cupped his face, his eyes closed. “I haven’t lost my temper like that in centuries. I feel completely drained.”

            I didn’t want to laugh at him but it was somewhat amusing. “Kensei loses his temper worse than that multiple times a day. I honestly don’t know where he get that energy from.”

            “Its rage-fueled Shūhei,” Kyōraku lifted his lashes and looked at me solemnly, my amusement died. “The man is full to the brim, no, boiled over with rage. He’s very angry, and its turned into hate and bitterness. You two need to make up, come to terms and move on. I can only hope getting other people involved will do the trick, but you two need to be willing at the same time. Make this work Shūhei, not for just your sakes, but for the children. Okay?”

            “Yes sir. I’ll do my very best.” I would have bowed but I had Akari on my chest, so I just thanked him again then left.

            The crowd had dispersed but I was sure the rumor mill was churning again. I went to the hospital to visit Renji.

            “He checked out,” said the nurse at the front desk. “His head and facial injuries were healed and he was given pain medication for his ribs. He’ll be fine within the week.”

            With that done, I went to see Captain Unohana about the marriage counseling and to set up the anger management and therapy sessions. To my shock, Kensei was already in her office but overhearing his words, I stayed in the hallway, out of sight. I knew eavesdropping was a bad thing, but Kensei only screamed at me hateful things. I had to hear this.

            “And she looked at me.” He was saying, his voice strained. “She looked at me like she had been waiting to see me, or like she knew me. Those were Shūhei’s eyes, the color, but her, her gaze, it was almost like looking in a mirror. I had seen that look before, when I stare at myself. I ask, who are you? What have you done? Where are you going? The baby…Akari…she looked at me like she had the answers. It scared me down to my bones and then she tried to hug me, reached for me. I ran. Not a physical running, but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t hold that gaze anymore and I certainly wasn’t going to touch her. So I left immediately. Now all I can do is realize that Akari is my daughter, she’s my flesh and blood and now there’ll be another one. I never wanted a family, I never needed a family. Shūhei…he was like a son to me, a brother, my comrade. Then this _shit_ happened and I feel like I can’t get my feet, I can’t find stable ground, I can’t find any sense of normalcy. I look left and right and there’s nothing normal, nothing I remember. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

            I quietly laid my head on the wall and then looked down at Akari. She nestled her head on my chest, her eyes blinking slowly. Her hair was completely sticking up in a thick tousle like Kensei’s hair, not slicked back anymore.

            Unohana had been talking, but I had missed it, Kensei was speaking again. “How can you expect me to do that Unohana? After all he’s done to me, I don’t even want to look at him. The strength of my hate for him is so intense, all I want is to see his fucking gravestone.”

            I flinched at the vehemence, how truthful he sounded.

            “First step Kensei is to understand that Shūhei being dead isn’t an option,” said Unohana in her calm stately tone, “Your only option is to learn to get along with him, for the sake of your growing family. I know you’ve gotten a very raw deal in all of this but there’s no point in brewing and stewing your rage. Right now you need to calm down and focus on fixing your relationship with your wife and creating a healthy home for your daughter and your second child.”

            “God! A second child.” Kensei’s voice sounded wrenched from the depths of him. “How can he be pregnant again, already? We did it _once_ just _once_ and he’s pregnant again. Why the hell is the man so fucking fertile?”

            “Or maybe you’re just very virile,” said Unohana with a touch of amusement.

            My face flushed.

            _That’s so embarrassing._

            Kensei grunted then said, “Okay, what’s the schedule again? I’ll need a copy to give to Shūhei.”

            “Shūhei, come in now,” called Unohana.

            I gulped then walked inside. Kensei stood up from the chair, seeing me. His knuckles clenched. “You were listening in, weren’t you? How much did you hear?”

            “Not much,” I said. “Please don’t get upset.”

            “Don’t talk to me about being _upset_!” Already Kensei’s voice raised, his eyes burning wrathfully. “That’s a fucking understatement!”

            “Kensei sit down,” instructed Unohana. “And lower your voice.”

            Kensei’s jaw snapped together and he sat down, his arms crossed.

            “Come join us Shūhei.”

            I sat down at the other chair next to Kensei and Akari turned her head, eyes on Kensei. Immediately his body seized up, he felt her gaze but he didn’t look at her.

            Unohana turned her blue eyes on us. “I’ll be counseling the both of you on all three orders of marriage counseling, anger management and therapy. So marriage counseling on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at six pm to seven pm. Kensei, anger management on Tuesday and Thursday at six pm to seven pm. Shūhei, therapy on Tuesday and Thursday at five pm to six pm. While you are in counseling, Akari will be looked after by a nurse in the children’s department. I’ll have Lieutenant Isane do the checks on the weekends between the hours of two and three pm, she’ll be covering the state of the house, as well as the physical conditions of Shūhei and Akari. The Captain-Commander expects a clean house, plenty of food and no signs of physical abuse. That means you’ll keep your hands to yourself Kensei and no destroying the furniture. Are we clear you two?”

            “Yes ma’am, perfectly clear,” we said at the same time.

            Unohana smiled nicely. “Good. Today is Monday and its eleven am now, so I’ll see you two at six pm. Alright, see you then.”

            Kensei stood up and walked out before I could even move. Akari turned her face back into my chest and sniffled, I could feel her stomach rumbling against mine.

            _When was the last time I fed her? I’m a terrible mother._

            “Thank you Captain Unohana and I’ll see you later.” I stood up.

            She gave me a smile, saying, “Good luck Shūhei. Raise your husband and your child.”

            I almost laughed, I knew what she meant about raising Kensei. He was much like a large child, cursing and throwing temper tantrums. He was full of rage and I had to confront him with understanding. We had to get along, we had to.

            _Dear God, help us become a family._


	19. Crime and Punishment

            Kensei didn’t come back home with me, I didn’t know where he was. Instead, my friends came to the door, Rukia and Kira only this time.

            “Where’s Renji?” I looked at them worriedly. I held Akari in my arm, my other hand holding the bottle to her mouth. She was drinking it greedily, I’d probably need to feed her twice.

            “Getting a talking-to by his Captain,” answered Rukia. “He’s in major trouble. Came onto a married woman, a captain’s wife no less, then gets in a fistfight with her husband. Captain Kuchiki wants to have Renji strung up by his thumbs and publicly whipped. He’s petitioning the Captain-Commander for permission.”

            I sighed. “I’m not a woman. Secondly it wasn’t like Renji started the fight.” I swallowed hard. “Kensei attacked me, he tried to kill me. If Renji hadn’t leapt in, hadn’t protected me, I’d be dead now.”

            Kira’s thin eyebrow furrowed and his solemn gentle eye narrowed into a slit. “Your husband attempted to murder you?”

            Some stark strain in his voice made me pause, was he really angry? Still, I couldn’t lie.

            “Yes,” I said plainly. “Kensei and I started arguing, as we normally do and Kensei leapt at me. Renji got between us and protected me. It wasn’t a jealous fistfight but Renji was saving my life. I’ll go and plead his case if I have to.”

            “Not going to end well as it is,” said Kira. “He still tried to get you to commit adultery with him. He kissed a married woman. He’ll be punished regardless. No matter how attractive I find you Shūhei, I wouldn’t touch you. Even if you begged me to.”

            I frowned hard at the last.

            _Okay, clearly all of my friends think I’m as good-looking as a woman. Secondly, why in the world would I beg Kira to touch me? Did I ever show any type of neediness or lust towards Kira? What the hell is going on?_

            Rukia snickered. “Kira, you’re letting your fantasies slip. Yeah, for your info Shūhei, you need to get a haircut, lose weight and get your muscle back. Otherwise all the guys will continue to lust after you.”

            I knew there was no point in doing any of that or rather it was impractical. Yes, I could cut my hair but it would just grow back as I was too busy taking care of Akari and a newborn to fuss over it. I had no time to dedicate to going to a gym daily and definitely not lifting weights while I’m pregnant.

            I said, “I can take scissors to my hair but everything else is going to have to wait. I will be a full-time mother for years, having a six pack and tight biceps aren’t on my to-do list.”

            “True,” said Rukia. “Though there’s a lot of crying women out there. You make a more beautiful woman than real women do. Its kinda messed up actually.”

            _Guess there’s nothing for it. I look like a woman, period._

            The front door suddenly opened and Kensei walked in. He stopped, seeing the three of us in the living room. He didn’t speak, just walked by us and went into the bedroom, the door closed solidly.

            I breathed in deep and let it out slowly. “Well,” I looked down at Akari, the bottle was empty but she was still suckling from it. “I guess its time. We have to figure out how to get along. Kensei can’t kill me, not when I have a baby and a half to take care of.”

            Kira looked at my stomach but it was flat. “I wonder if you’re having a boy this time. A little Kensei might be nice to have running around.”

            I had to laugh. “No, a son with Kensei’s ferocious temper would be horrifying. He could look like him but have my personality.”

            “Meanwhile Akari looks like you but she’ll be just like Kensei,” said Rukia, her eyes lighting up. “That’s so cute!”

            I frowned, thinking of my darling Akari throwing tantrums and attacking people who make her angry.

            “No,” I said firmly. “I won’t have any big brats like that. I’ll raise them both to be polite and well-mannered. Kensei won’t have anything to do with it.”

            Kira crossed his arms loosely. “How are you going to be a family if you won’t give Kensei a hand in the upbringing of the children?”

            I laughed hollowly. “What type of upbringing can Kensei give? The man doesn’t even know how to talk without screaming, let alone raise a child.”

            “Well its not like you’re the perfect parent,” pointed out Rukia. “The reason you’re married is so the children can have parents. You two need to work together, become a family.”

            “It’ll take time,” I said. “We can’t even get along right now, Kensei wishes I was dead. We won’t be a family for a while. We need all the counseling we can get. That said, Akari needs to take a nap, I have to eat then get ready. I also need to go see Captain Kuchiki about not punishing Renji too harshly. He saved my life.”

            Akari began to sniffle, so I quickly got her a second bottle, then Kira and Rukia made their goodbyes. After feeding, I burped Akari then she grew tired, so I laid her down to sleep.

            Kensei came out of the bedroom and looked at me. “I’m hungry.”

            I nearly said _then make something_ but I knew if I wanted this to work, I couldn’t make a fuss out of everything.

            “Okay, I’ll cook.”

            I went to the kitchen and saw we didn’t have much of anything. The pantry closest was picked clean and the cabinets only held seasonings.

            Kensei sat on the couch in the living room. His head was bowed, his broad shoulders hunched. He looked tired, defeated. I paused then went over to him.

            He looked up at me, his dark brown eyes hard. “What?”

            _Jeez. He can’t be friendly at all, can he?_

            I said, “We need groceries. There’s nothing to cook with.”

            Kensei’s eyes just burned. “Then go shopping.”

            His tone made it sound like I was an idiot.

            “Alright,” I said. “Then if you could watch Akari while I’m gone then,”

            Kensei abruptly stood up, I stumbled backwards, fear leaping in my chest. He didn’t move to attack me, just said heavily, “I’m not doing a damn thing with that baby. Take her with you.”

            “She’s sleeping,” I said calmly, though my voice had a slight tremble. “You don’t have to do anything with her, I’ll only be gone like thirty minutes.”

            Kensei’s fists crackled. “Did you hear what I said? Take her with you.”

            “Kensei, please,” I started to get upset. “Its not that difficult. Just stay here, she’s sleep she won’t need you to do anything. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

            Kensei’s hand swung back but when I flinched, he didn’t hit me, his hand coiled into a fist at his side.

            He breathed hard. “Shūhei, my patience is at ground zero, understand? Right now, if I tell you to do something, just motherfucking _do it_ with no talkback. I _said_ take her with you. Got it?” He did sound like he was barely holding himself together.

            I nodded, saying softly, “I got it. I’m sorry.”

            I went back into Akari’s room and buckled her into a stroller.

            Kensei wasn’t in the living room when I came back but I didn’t go looking for him either. I left the barracks and went to the nearest shopping center. I knew Kensei was a picky eater but the last time I cooked he ate everything I made, so maybe he had grown out of that.

            _Humph! The man is over two hundred years old and still has growing up to do. God, I’ve had his baby and got a second one cooking right now. I’ll say this, I’m not having sex with him again! And besides, he only took me on the wedding night because I made him angry and tossed his so-called lovemaking skills back in his face. He just wanted to prove himself as a man and ended up nearly raping me to death._

            Akari was sleeping very well, but it was impossible trying to push a stroller and a shopping cart at the same time. I thought about who to call when I saw a familiar face coming closer to me and waving. It was Captain Jūshirō Ukitake, and his two third-seat officers, Sentarō and Kiyone.

            I froze, not sure what to do. I had seen Ukitake comforting Kensei at the trial, what if he didn’t even like me anymore?

            “Ah, Shūhei! You look so well.” Ukitake hugged me close, he was much taller than me and he smelled like freshwater and lilies. He stood back then knelt in front of the stroller. “Aw, look at the baby. She’s so precious. She’s gorgeous, got all of her good looks from her mother, that’s for sure.”

            Sentarō and Kiyone crowded with him, cooing and aahing. For once, I had no idea what to say or do.

            Ukitake stood up and smiled at me. “So, how are you Shūhei? I didn’t expect to see you out and about. If you’re pregnant you should be resting.”

            My jaw dropped. “W-what, I didn’t, who said, I never-”

            Ukitake laughed. “Rukia told me, of course. And besides, you’ve told half of the lieutenants you were pregnant, who told their captains or their friends who then turned and told others. Its not a secret anymore. Besides, Kensei complained to anyone who would listen that you were pregnant again. Man I do not envy your publicity Shūhei. You should be laying low, you know?”

            “Yes I know,” I said. “But there’s no food in the house and Kensei refused to shop. So here I am.”

            “Ridiculous. Sentarō, Kiyone, go and fetch the groceries Shūhei what he needs, enough to hold him over for months, buy in bulk. Meanwhile, Shūhei you come with me and the baby.”

            “Yes sir!” Senator and Kiyone each took a shopping cart and disappeared into the building. Ukitake placed his hand on my arm and I numbly walked with him.

            We didn’t talk at first, I was still wondering what the heck was going on and Ukitake seemed to be enjoying the sights. Then we came to the park and he sat down on a bench with a sigh, stretching out his long legs.

            I sat with him and I wiggled my fingers against my knees, waiting for him to talk to me.

            Ukitake stayed silent for what had to be about ten minutes, before finally saying, “Kensei doesn’t hate you Shūhei, or at least, he’s really acting out a lot more than how he really feels.”

            I laughed dryly. “Sorry, but I overheard Kensei talking to Unohana. He does hate me and he wishes I was dead, he tried to kill me already. If it wasn’t for Renji, he probably would have beaten me to death. From his own words, he wants to see my gravestone. So it’s a little late to try and update me on Kensei’s feelings because I’m well aware of where I stand with him.”

            “Hmm, alright,” Ukitake crossed his arms loosely. “Everyone read your article Shūhei, except me.”

            My brows went up. “Why didn’t you read it? The whole point was so everyone would know the truth, know my side of the story.”

            “I didn’t read it because it made me uncomfortable,” said Ukitake, looking at me seriously. “I don’t like this situation Shūhei, in fact, I hate it. This isn’t right.”

            I squirmed, wishing the ground would swallow me up. “Listen, its not like I asked for this, Kensei-”

            “I know,” said Ukitake. “You blame it all on Kensei. If he never touched you then none of this would have ever happened.”

            I didn’t understand where Ukitake was going with this, was he trying to get me to admit that this situation was all of MY fault or did he have some sort of moral he was building up to?

            Akari writhed and made a low whimpering sound. I unbuckled her from her stroller and held her in my arms. She cuddled into me, not yet waking up completely.

            I said softly as to not bother her, “I blame myself way more than I can blame Kensei. The fact is, I only got in the bed because there were cockroaches on the floor. I acted like a scared silly little girl, afraid of cockroaches. I’ve slept in worse conditions, it shouldn’t have affected me like that. Also, I didn’t think to put on some boxers before getting in the bed with him. Yes, bottom line is my fault. I could have very easily stayed on the floor but I didn’t think about it, I was repulsed and jumped into the bed without thinking of getting dressed first. It starts with me. Captain Ukitake, I don’t know what you’re trying to say to me but-”

            I went quiet as Akari opened her eyes and at the fathomless deepness of her ebony-grey eyes, I smiled at her, my heart warming.

            I said, “I love Akari more than anyone else. And I love the baby I’m carrying right now. I don’t have time to point fingers and now that Central 46 has ordered me to stay with Kensei, then that’s what I’ll do. I can’t say that I’ll ever forget my feelings for Kisuke but I have to move on from him, no choice now. I’m going to do my very best to make this work with Kensei because my children are my top priority. I don’t want to raise them in an environment with a hateful abusive father who doesn’t want to look at them and likes to smack me around. So right now I’m keeping Akari out of his way but somehow I have to coax him out of hating me and back into liking me again. I’m not hoping for love but if he can at least _tolerate_ my existence, then I can accept that.”

            Ukitake was quiet after that, then said, “Then I guess I don’t have anything to be worried about anymore.”

            He placed his hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him. He gave me his same peaceful smile, head cocked to the side.

            He said kindly, “Then I’ll leave Kensei to you. He’s a proud man Shūhei and what has happened has damaged that pride severely, his reputation, his relationships, they’ve all taken a cruel beating. I don’t like this raged pained Kensei, so you got to heal him up, alright?”

            I nodded and smiled at him, glad that Ukitake didn’t hate me. “Yes sir. I miss my old Captain too you know. It hasn’t been easy for me to admit its because of me he’s turned out like this. I’ll get him back to normal, promise.”

            Ukitake stood and walked me back to the grocery store where Sentarō and Kiyone were just coming out, the grocery carts piled with plastic bags.

            I asked, “Can you deliver these back to Division Nine Captain’s Quarters? There’s one more errand I need to run before I go back.”

            Ukitake said, “It’s not a problem. What else do you need to do?”

            “I need to see Captain Byakuya of Division Six,” I said with a wince. “He wants to punish Renji but the fact is Renji was fighting to save my life, not because Kensei attacked him in a jealous rage. Kensei was attacking _me_ and Renji got in between us to protect me. I don’t want Renji punished for no reason.”

            “Its not just the fight that’s got Kuchiki in a tiff,” said Ukitake, rubbing the back of his head. “Renji _did_ kiss you and you are married. That’s just offensive in the first place. Regardless of the reason behind the fight, the fight wouldn’t have happened if Renji hadn’t kissed you. Its Renji’s fault entirely, period.”

            I bit my lip as he did make sense, but I wanted to plead Renji’s case anyway.

            I said, “As long as I can let them know, then maybe Renji won’t be punished as severely. A public whipping is a bit much.”

            Ukitake chuckled and waved Sentarō and Kiyone on, they both bowed and left with the groceries.

            He said, “I’ll walk you there then leave it to you and Captain Kuchiki.”

            When we got to the Division Six headquarters, Captain Kuchiki wasn’t there but I was told he was at the First Division Captain’s office. So Ukitake, who had planned on seeing his long-time partner anyway, just came with me. Akari continued to peacefully sleep, probably nice and full from feeding so voraciously earlier.

            I knocked on the door of the Captain-Commander’s office. “Sir? It’s Shūhei His-Muguruma.”

            “Enter,” said Captain-Commander Kyōraku, sounding tired and irritated.

            “Its me too Shunsui,” said Ukitake as he entered in after me.

            The Captain-Commander sat hunched over at his desk, Captain Byakuya standing stiff in front of him.

            I left Akari at Ukitake’s side and quickly stepped forward.

            “Sir,” I started. “I came to protest Renji having a strict corporal punishment. Yes, he did kiss me but the fight was to protect me. Kensei physically attacked me after we had argued, if Renji hadn’t stopped him, Kensei would have probably beaten me to death.”

            Captain Kuchiki’s voice could have frozen water. “That said, an argument was started due to my shameless lieutenant overstepping his boundaries and his utterly loose morals. I refuse to back down. I want Renji publicly stripped and whipped, hung by his thumbs in the Gotei 13 formal courtyard. All Captains, lieutenants and ranked officers to be present.”

            “That’s overboard,” I said firmly. “Yes, Renji did wrong but-”

            “Don’t speak over me heathen,” snapped Captain Kuchiki, making my breath catch. “Don’t act as if you’re blameless! Married and kissing another man, in the house of your family? Disgusting! There’s much more you’ve done and I won’t let Renji get infected with your barbarianism! Hold your tongue, you have no position in the Gotei 13 and you are certainly not ranked enough to speak in my presence!”

            From that speech, I could see Captain Byakuya Kuchiki completely believed Kensei’s side of the story. To him, I was a vixen, a whore, who was doing this on purpose to ruin Kensei’s life. The acid in his tone…I really was painted red in his eyes.

            “Calm down man,” said Ukitake, patting Captain Byakuya’s shoulder, making an uneasy chuckle. “Regardless of your personal feelings for Mrs. Muguruma, that’s still the wife of a captain. Watch your words, alright?”

            “No, its fine.” I clasped my fingers together and looked the other captain in the face. “There’s been a lot that’s happened between me and Kensei, things have been very brutal and publicized. I understand you’ve given your ear to Kensei and won’t listen to anything I have to say now. Fine. Its true I shouldn’t have kissed any man other than my husband, the reasons why I did so with Renji are moot. All I’m saying is to acknowledge that Kensei _did_ attack me with the intention of doing serious harm. Renji saved my life by _protecting_ me. It wasn’t some jealous brawl, but defending my life. That’s why I don’t want Renji to be publicly punished. I’m not saying he should get away scot free, I just don’t think he should be publicly humiliated.”

            Captain Byakuya turned his head away from me, looking at the Captain-Commander who was staring at his desk. “Captain-Commander, it’s your final decision. Public whippings have to be signed into order by you, unless personally decreed by Central 46. The top courts have already passed judgment that they wanted to hear nothing else from the Muguruma case, so you’re the only option. Your word sir.”

            Captain-Commander Kyōraku rubbed the bridge of his nose, his shoulders slumping enough that he looked frail and meek for a moment, then he sat up straighter then stood up, pushing his chair back. He glanced at me then the other captain.

            “I agree with Shūhei,” he said with a short nod but didn’t look at me when I quickly clenched my fist in victory. “Everything he says makes sense, and besides, Renji is a good hard-working lieutenant. Yes, he did something foolish and amoral, but the fact that he leapt in to protect Shūhei from being beaten to death, I think that’s honorable enough to give him a pass.”

            “Honorable? _Honorable?_ ” Captain Kuchiki’s pale skin flushed red, he repeated the word like it was filth. But then he calmed, dipped his head and said shortly, “I will take my leave.”

            Then without looking at me or anyone else, he swept out of the room, his captain’s _haori_ swishing behind him like an angry cat’s tail.

            The three of us all sighed, and Akari mimicked it with a tiny snore, looking small and content in her stroller.

            “That’s that then,” said the Captain-Commander, scooting his chair back in and sitting down. “I do understand Kuchiki’s side of things but the man is just too stiff and too personally offended. Something like cheating within noble families can be punishable by death. Renji doesn’t deserve that rigorous a punishment. Of course Kuchiki will devise up some other horrible way to make Renji pay for it that I won’t try to step in to stop. So, Shūhei, you need anything?”

            “Well,” I said after thinking about it. “Am I really just unseated now?”

            He rubbed his brow. “Your lieutenant position has been filled and the other nineteen ranked positions are closed. And seeing as you have a full time mothering job plus another on the way then yeah, I’d say your position is just the captain’s wife. When the kids are older, you might want to take a hack at being lieutenant again but by then you’ll be older too and could get yourself killed trying to fight young bloods. I think its time you just accept your new lot in life now Shūhei.”

            That was the best answer I was going to get, so I said goodbye, took Akari and headed home to cook. The time was four-forty-five, meaning by the time the food was cooked and we had eaten, it would be time for the marriage counseling. I knew how amazing Unohana was at talking and calming people down, but how could she convince Kensei to stop hating the very sight of me? How could she convince me to stop disliking Kensei so much? How were we going to become a family?


	20. Counseling

_Kensei Muguruma_

             Sentarō and Kiyone dropped by with a bunch of groceries, and explained that their captain Ukitake had sent them to go shopping while him and fucking Shūhei went on other errands.

            I sneered. “He’s probably screwing Ukitake too, huh?”

            Kiyone gasped, her face flushed red but she just shook her head quickly and turned her attention towards putting away the groceries.

            Sentarō said, “That’s not true. Our captain doesn’t do things like that.”

            I turned away, crossing my arms over my chest. I never knew Ukitake to do things like that either, but Shūhei knew how to use his body to get what he wants. He seduced Urahara, he’s fucking Abarai behind my back, now he’s spending time with Ukitake. He was going to make his rounds throughout the entire Gotei 13, and I’m the cuckold who has to just sit back and watch it happen, and have everyone else know its happened and be seen as the enemy the entire time.

            I sat on the couch and watched the two putting away the food and organizing the kitchen. All the while I imagined what Shūhei was doing with Ukitake, or hell, maybe Kyōraku too. Kyōraku was completely on Shūhei’s side, goddammit it all, every fucking body was on Shūhei’s side. That little slut had twisted the minds of everyone. I saw that article he had run in the Seireitei Communication, I couldn’t even get past the first paragraph before I tore it into shreds. Shūhei could twist the truth and spew utter garbage and everyone else just laps it up.

            “Sir?”

            I looked up.

            Sentarō and Kiyone were at the door, the carts full of empty plastic bags.

            “We’re going now,” said Kiyone, bowing.

            I nodded and they left with the shopping carts. The house was ringing with silence after that, and I pressed my hands over my ears. Like some sort of pansy, my eyes filled with tears.

            _This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. This isn’t what I wanted. Before this shit happened, I had admitted to myself that I finally become happy. I hadn’t been happy in centuries, not with being exiled from the Soul Society and forcefully turned into a Visored. Yet I had become happy. I was Captain again, and that little brat Shūhei was a good lieutenant who performed high-quality work, everyone else seemed to have let go of the fact I was a Visored. I had become accepted, I had friends, I had respect._

            _Is this really all of my fault? Shūhei keeps exclaiming that it was my fault, that I’m the one who raped him. I was half asleep at first, but he was naked in the bed with me, and all the times he had made come-ons, I thought he had decided to go all the way._

            The door opening cut off my thoughts and I quickly rubbed my face into my arm. There was no way in Hell I’d let Shūhei catch me crying.

            Shūhei stood in the doorway, he blinked at me a few times then turned to close the door. The stroller was in front of him, and the baby in there, her eyes were closed. She had black hair like Shūhei, but the thick tousle of it was just like my hair.

            My stomach tightened up like a belt.

            _That’s my kid…I have a kid now._

            I looked at Shūhei as he bent down to slide off his sandals. His shihakusho clung to his curvy form, and his abdomen looked flat, his hips rounded.

            _And he said he was pregnant again. From our wedding night. I enjoyed being in bed with him, the bastard knows how to fuck, but then he again accused me of rape. I don’t fucking get him. He always acts like I’m forcing him, when he’s made it clear he likes pretending he’s been forced, then he tries to get me in trouble afterwards. It’s like this is a fucking joke to him, a game. And now he’s about to have another baby. He says its mine…is it though?_

            “Guess I’ll start dinner,” said Shūhei, parking the stroller besides the coat rack, and then lifting up the baby. “I’ll put Akari down first.”

            I said nothing, I had nothing to say to him.

            Shūhei walked away down the hall to the nursery and came back after a few minutes, then went into the kitchen.

            I sat there while he cooked, until he called me to eat. We ate in silence, though I noticed Shūhei continually snuck looks at me, which I ignored. What did he expect, for me to make conversation?

            It was five-forty-five when we were finished.

            “I’ll get Akari ready,” said Shūhei, standing up. “Do you think you could do the dishes Kensei? So we don’t have to do them when we get back?”

            I stared at him. “You’re the one who cooked it, so you should you clean it.”

            “The cook doesn’t cook and clean,” he said back. “I cooked it, you ate it, so you should clean the dishes. I know I’m essentially your housewife now Kensei but that doesn’t mean I should do everything and be a slave either. While I’m getting Akari, you clean up. It’s not that difficult.”

            I stood up abruptly, picked up my plate and flung it into the sink. The dishes shattered, and Shūhei jumped with a shrill gasp that was more like a scream.

            “There,” I said softly, my breath trembling. “Dishes finished. Get the baby and let’s go. Don’t say a word back to me.”

            Shūhei bit down on his lower lip then left. I lifted up the chair over my head and ready to bash it into pieces, when Unohana’s voice went through my head.

_The Captain-Commander expects a clean house, plenty of food and no signs of physical abuse. That means you’ll keep your hands to yourself Kensei and no destroying the furniture._

            I gritted my teeth and put the chair down with shaking hands.

            Then Kenzo, my inner Hollow, spoke up. _Why didn’t you do it? It’ll make you feel better. Destroying things always feels good._

            I didn’t get to respond when Tachikaze, my zanpakutō, spoke instead. _Because he knows better. Every time he listens to you, that’s when he fucks up. The first instance, the wedding night, every time he attacks Shūhei, it’s all when he listens to you._

            Kenzo shot back. _I’m just helping him do what feels good. If it feels good, then he should do it._

            I groaned and put my head into my hands. _Just stop it you two. Stop always fucking arguing all the time! But Tachikaze is right Kenzo. Every time I do what you suggest, it’s when I end up in trouble with Shūhei. That first time, he told me to stop, you said he was just playing a part, so I did it. Then Shūhei says I raped him. I’m stunned but Kenzo you said he was lying to get attention and force me into marriage. And that’s what happened, so I believed you. Then the wedding night he talks shit like Urahara’s better than me, so Kenzo you said I should fuck him to show him how good I am. Shūhei starts a fight, I fight back thanks to Kenzo saying that’s how Shūhei likes to have sex. Next thing I know, Shūhei is accusing me of rape again. Maybe I really should stop listening to you Kenzo. You’re the one fucking everything up for me._

            Tachikaze said, _Agreed. Kenzo is a Hollow Kensei, of course he wants to be violent and hurt Shūhei. He wants to hurt Shūhei because you care about him._

            I jolted up straight but before I could say anything, Shūhei was coming back, this time Akari was in this cradle-like thing that was strapped to Shūhei’s chest. She was awake now, her head resting on the rise of Shūhei’s collarbone. Her face could fit in the palm of my hand, and her ebony-grey eyes were surrounded with thick lashes. In that second, I could see her older, with long thick hair, a full figured body and a gorgeous smile. I’d have to beat off men with sticks coming to the house trying to date her.

            Shūhei looked at me. “You ready to go Kensei? The marriage counseling is in ten minutes.”

            Kenzo said, _Listen to that. He’s ordering you around again. Shūhei really thinks he can control you. Who’s the Captain in this relationship? Who’s the head of the household? I’d put him back in his place._

            I growled. “Don’t tell me what to do Shūhei. We’re leaving.”

            I swung away and stalked out, with Shūhei quietly following behind me. My brows furrowed as I remembered what Tachikaze had just said and how I again just listened to Kenzo. I know Hollows are evil selfish beings and honestly while I was in the Human World me and the other Visored all practiced not listening to our Hollows. Yet since that night I accidentally impregnated Shūhei, it’s like Kenzo’s had a direct line from my soul to my mouth and my actions. He’s not directly controlling me, I’m in control, but the Hollow’s got a hell of an influence. I _am_ angry, I’m furious at Shūhei…and maybe Kenzo is just fucking feeding off it, pushing me further and using that energy to get more control over me. If he eventually ends up with more control over me than I do, he’ll just steal my body.

            Tachikaze spoke. _Looks like you figured it out Kensei._

            My fists clenched. _Hey, Hollow. Is that what this was all about?_

            Kenzo snickered. _What do you mean Kensei? You’re the one in control, of course. I just help you to be more honest. We’re more alike than you want to admit._

            We were at the Fourth Division headquarters.

            Shūhei looked at me but he had some sort of weird hesitancy in his eyes. He spoke even softer and more quieter than usual. It was like… he was afraid of me.

            He said, “I’m going to put Akari down in the children’s department. I’ll meet you at Unohana’s office.”

            Then he left quickly before I could say anything back.

            _The hell was that about? Shūhei never misses a chance to talk back to me. He used to be polite as my lieutenant, now he mouths off all the damn time._

            Tachikaze said, _if you recall, you frightened him earlier in the kitchen. He is pregnant, so he probably doesn’t want to make you angry enough to hit him._

            I figured that was true and went to Unohana’s office.

            I knocked on the door. “It’s Captain Muguruma. Here for the marriage counseling.”

            “Come in Captain.”

            I entered and Unohana smiled, then asked with some concern, “Where’s Shūhei?”

            “Putting down Akari,” I said, swallowing a little as I said the baby’s name.

            My daughter’s name. I never thought I’d have a family, I didn’t even want one. I had my work, and it was enough. Now Shūhei is my wife, I have a daughter Akari and a second child on the way. Now I have a family. And I’ve been so furious about it and acting in such a way now I have to have marriage counseling and anger management, and Shūhei has to have therapy. How the hell did things go so wrong so fast?

            The door was knocked on, and Shūhei entered.

            We sat down on the two chairs that had been set up in front of Unohana’s desk.

            “Good, Kensei and Shūhei.” She smiled at us. “So it’s six o’clock, let’s just get started. The main point of these sessions, as you’d expect, is to get you talking through whatever issues you have, and figure out what those issues are. A major aim is to learn the patterns of interaction between you, that is, how you two talk and behave to each other, the problems there, and fix them, that is to say we need to break the ineffective patterns and develop better ones. The most effective way of going about this is changing the view of the relationship, modifying dysfunctional behavior, and improving communication.”

            Shūhei nodded quickly, and leaned forward a little bit. “Kensei gets so angry so quickly, I can’t even say anything to him without him exploding. Just earlier, I asked if he’d wash the dishes because I cooked, and he broke all the dishes and threatened me. I was so terrified he’d attack me, I just can’t even be comfortable in the house.”

            Unohana’s large blue eyes turned on me. “Is this true Kensei?”

            I had the god-awful sensation like I was being judged or in trouble, and my fists clenched, and I stared at the floor instead of Unohana’s face.

            I gritted my teeth, then said, “Yeah…I did break the dishes.”

            “Why was asking to wash the dishes so aggravating that you felt the need to react violently?”

            I glanced up at her, and her face was as smooth and impassive as the moon. She didn’t look angry or forgiving, just waiting for my answer. I didn’t actually feel any judgment coming from her.

            I sat up straighter and said, “Because he was fucking ordering me around again. And then he used that goddammed snotty attitude, saying shit like _“it’s not that difficult.”_ What am I, a child? Yeah, washing dishes aren’t difficult. However if I’m the one working fifteen hour days, he should be the one to clean.”

            Unohana rubbed her fingers together. “I see what you’re saying Kensei. So I won’t refute that for the moment. However breaking the dishes is a violent behavior. One step up from breaking dishes is breaking Shūhei’s fingers, or his arms.”

            Shūhei made a strangled gasp, and whispered, “But I can’t get in a fight Captain Unohana. The baby…”

            I glared at the floor. “I…I’m not going to hit Shūhei. But if I can’t hit him, at least let me break something else.”

            “This is what I’m saying Kensei.” Unohana tapped her fingers on the desk until I met her eyes. “Breaking things is too violent. You’ll be satisfied with breaking things for a little while, but doing that just _builds_ violence, it doesn’t release it. Breaking dishes, breaking chairs, breaking windows, breaking bones, it’ll just escalate. Do you understand?”

            I nodded and murmured, “Alright. I’ll…I’ll do my best.”

            I saw Shūhei smile and relax in his chair, he even put his hand on his heart and breathed out slowly.

            _Did breaking the dishes scare him that much? No…it was what breaking the dishes meant. If I could break the dishes, then I could attack him. He’s not scared about me hitting him because he’s afraid for himself, but for the baby he’s carrying. During the wedding night, he wasn’t afraid of me, he’s the one who punched me in the face. Now that he’s pregnant, he’s too vulnerable to get into a physical fight._

            “Good,” smiled Unohana. “Now, the key tasks of these sessions are to discover the kind of life you want to build together, you see, you two are married and aren’t allowed to divorce. So, Shūhei, what kind of partner do you want Kensei to be? Kensei, what kind of partner do you want Shūhei to be? What do you need to do to build that type of relationship? It’ll be me to give you the skills and knowledge necessary to help you achieve this. I’ll help you to sustain improvement in your relationship, create a vision of the life you want to build together, cultivate the appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team and the motivation to persist.”

            Shūhei asked, “Can you really do all of that Unohana?”

            “That is my side of this mission,” she said with a nod. “However I can’t do it alone. You two both have to put in your best foot forward. I can talk until I’m blue in the face, but if neither of you follow through, then its worthless. So I hope you’re both listening, and I hope you both take home the things I suggest. Alright? We clear?”

            “Clear.” We both said.

            Unohana smiled. “Good. Now, to create the relationship you two desire, there will be some things you’ll need to put in to make this work. First off, it is _time._ It will take time to create a relationship that flourishes, you’ll need to put aside time to be together, time to be with your children, time to nurture your relationship, to relax with each other. So that means you need to spend more time with each other besides just arguing or ignoring each other. So here’s an assignment, when this session is over and you go home, I want you to spend thirty minutes in each other’s presence doing something together. You can be playing a game together, watching TV, having a conversation about things you like. Thirty minutes. Alright?”

            The idea of spending time with Shūhei any longer than I had to was enough to make me gag. Shūhei must have seen my reaction and his expression flinched then slumped, and he looked down.

            Then he said, “I know you’re angry with me Kensei…but this is our situation now. Maybe instead of hating me…you can just remember how our relationship used to be, and how you felt about me…and think of me like that instead.”

            “Oh, sure.” I said, my voice icy. “Just pretend like everything that’s happened is just A-okay with me and I’m hunky-dory? You fucking ruined my life Shūhei, and now I’m just supposed to be okay with it? Fuck no and fuck off, alright?”

            “Let’s not do that Kensei,” said Unohana as Shūhei paled. “Remember, Shūhei isn’t going anywhere but back home with you, where he’ll be staying. Instead of telling him to leave, focus on what you need to do to get to the point so you’ll want him to stay.”

            I stood up. “WANT him to stay? Why the FUCK would I WANT Shūhei around? Maybe you haven’t been paying attention, but all Shūhei does is bring chaos and scandal with him wherever he goes! He cheats on me so everyone knows about it, he-”

            Shūhei stood up too. “I haven’t cheated on you Kensei! I’ve never had sex with anyone besides you, and you’re the one who started this mess, not me!”

            Looking at that face, that stupid face with the 69 on it, the same 69 on my abs, I didn’t want to see it anymore. I wanted it gone, forever, so I didn’t have to deal with this shit. If Shūhei was dead, I could have my life back.

            Shūhei’s eyes went wide and he stumbled back as my hand went to Tachikaze at my side. Yet a voice paralyzed my hand.

            _I will not let you remove me from my sheath. I will not be used to slay your wife._

            Unohana stood up. “Kensei, sit down, now. And don’t you dare take out your zanpakutō.”

            Shūhei was crying, his hands curled up at his eyes, his shoulders shaking.

            “I don’t want to live with him!” He sobbed, tears sliding down his face. “He’s just going to kill me Unohana! Please, help me get permission from the Captain-Commander that I can move out! This isn’t going to work.”

            Unohana left her desk and placed a hand on Shūhei’s back, her other hand offering him a tissue.

            “It’s alright Shūhei,” she said in this soft soothing tone.

            I sat down and pressed my hands into my face, bending over. I tuned the other two out, instead focusing inwards.

            _I nearly killed Shūhei. He just pissed me off so much._

 _Not that much,_ said Tachikaze. _It was Kenzo who pushed you towards it. Shūhei being dead won’t give you your life back, you’ll just find yourself thrown in the Nest of Maggots for murder. You’re starting to be unable to tell when you’re thinking or when Kenzo is doing the thinking for you. I suggest you tell Captain Unohana that your inner Hollow is interfering with your ability to control your own thoughts and behavior._

            My eyes narrowed. _Kenzo. You really are trying to take my body, aren’t you?_

            Kenzo said nothing but I felt the influx of glee and satisfaction. Tachikaze was right, the fucking Hollow was pushing his luck. I remembered something Tachikaze had said earlier.

            I asked my zanpakutō. _Kenzo wants me to hurt Shūhei because I care about him, you said. So Kenzo is purposely trying to make me respond with more anger than necessary so I’ll naturally get aggressive, then heighten that feeling so I’ll hurt, then eventually kill Shūhei. But what’s the point if all I do is get locked up?_

            Tachikaze said, _if Kenzo gets you to kill Shūhei, by then he’ll have successfully taken over your body. You’ll become a full Hollow, so they won’t be putting you in the Nest of Maggots. He’ll just cause as much death and destruction as he can, maybe try to escape to the Human World and do more damage. He won’t live long, the Soul Society will destroy him, but it won’t matter, Kenzo isn’t about living as long as possible, it’s about having as much fun as he can before he’s killed. Shūhei will just be the first victim. Akari next, and of course the baby Shūhei is carrying will also die. Killing the people closest to you._

            Seeing Shūhei sobbing like that, remembering how cautious he’s been behaving around me, the multiple times he’s moved out of my quarters, he had already clued in my homicidal response to his presence. Yes, I was fucking furious but Kenzo was using that to drive me to behavior and actions that I wouldn’t have gone to on my own. Kenzo had his own agenda and was just using my rage as a means to get it.

            I stood up again and saw Shūhei was gone. I jolted.

            “Where did he go?” I asked.

            Unohana said, “I told him to take Akari and go spend the night with a close friend. He is too frightened to be with you right now, and even though I gave you two homework to spend thirty minutes together, it just isn’t feasible. Kensei…is there something you’re not telling me?”

            _Ever so perceptive._

            I told her what was going on with my inner Hollow using my emotions to steal my body for his own, and how he was purposely trying to get me angry enough to kill Shūhei and Akari, which would give him the leverage he needed to take over completely.

            Unohana gasped, covering her mouth. Then she said, “I have no abilities to help you deal with something like that. You need to go see Urahara.”

            I stared at her. “What?”

            She didn’t look afraid. “He’s the only one who has any knowledge on how to stop something like an inner Hollow trying to take over your consciousness. I know he’s not your favorite person and vice versa, but what you’re going through is serious. I’ll contact the Captain-Commander about this. You stay here.”

            And with that she left the room.

            I sighed.

            _Great._


	21. The Exile Kisuke Urahara

_Kensei Muguruma_

             Quicker than I would have liked, the Senkaimon was opened to send me to the Human World to consult Kisuke Urahara about my inner Hollow. Word had been sent ahead, so he would know I was coming. Honestly, even though Kenzo was a problem, the fact that I needed that bastard Urahara’s help nearly annoyed me even more. Shūhei loved Urahara, he cared about him more than he cared about me. Even when we were screwing on the wedding night, it was Urahara’s name he called. The idea that he was pretending I was Urahara when it was _me_ doing him, God, it was enough to make me want to break Shūhei’s neck.

            “Captain Muguruma sir, you can cross over now.”

            I blinked as a Hell butterfly circled around my head, then I followed it through the Senkaimon. I stepped out into one of Urahara’s meeting rooms. Urahara wasn’t there, but it was his housekeeper/housewife Tessai.

            “Where’s Urahara?” I asked while I knelt on the available cushion, across the way of the small table from the other man.

            “Getting himself together,” said Tessai with a polite incline of his head. “Your visit is incredibly short noticed, and…well you’re certainly not Kisuke’s favorite person.”

            I snorted and leaned my elbow on the table, and rested my chin on the palm of my hand.

            “Well he’s not my fucking favorite person either,” I grumbled. “He stole Shūhei from me.”

            Tessai’s brows cinched over his glasses, which took a gleam from the light and shined solid white, blocking his gaze.

            “Well,” he said after a minute. “I don’t think it’s a matter of thievery Captain Muguruma. You betrayed Shūhei, and Kisuke was there for him. They simply found a mutual respect and affection for each other.”

            I ground my teeth. “Shut up about it, I don’t want to hear anything else. Fact is, Shūhei cares about Urahara more than he cares about me, and he uses other men like Abarai to replace Urahara, he’s even pretended I’m Urahara when we fucked on the wedding night. There’s no way I want any help from an asshole like that!”

            “That doesn’t sound like Shūhei.”

            I looked up at the deep tired voice. Kisuke Urahara stood in the doorway. His scruff looked a little thicker than normal, and he had bags under his eyes.

            I sneered. “Still lovesick Urahara?”

            He sighed and took a cushion at the table, so he was on my right side, while Tessai was across from me.

            Urahara said, “Let’s not talk about it, okay? For both of our sakes. Instead, let’s focus on the problem at hand. Your Inner Hollow. How much control does it have over you?”

            I ground my teeth at first before answering. “I’m not entirely sure. Kenzo sometimes thinks for me, and I can’t tell when he’s the one doing the thinking. He uses my anger to make me even more violent and aggressive. He’s managed to get me to attack Shūhei on more than one occasion…and according to my zanpakutō Tachikaze, it was Kenzo who made me rape Shūhei that night.”

            Urahara froze then stared at me from under the shade of his hat. “So you acknowledge that it was rape then?”

            I stared at him right back. “I don’t actually care anymore, it’s happened, Shūhei had my child, and now he’s pregnant again.”

            Urahara gasped and sat up straight. “W-what?”

            My brows cocked. “So your little information mill not running properly? I got Shūhei pregnant on our wedding night.”

            Urahara broke his gaze, and his head bowed, so he was looking at the table.

            He asked quietly, “Is he having a boy or a girl?”

            I was taken aback.

            I said, “You really care about him, don’t you?”

            Urahara flinched, then lifted his head to meet my eyes. His were gray and solemn, and wealthy with pain.

            “Yes I do,” he said, softly, warmly and truthfully. “And I wish more than anything that he was here with me, and not in the Soul Society with you.”

            My hands twitched but didn’t form into fists. I was angry that Shūhei had feelings for Urahara but now my emotions were getting convoluted and twisted. Yeah, I thought in a lot of ways that Shūhei belonged to me. I saved his life when he was a kid, he joined the Ninth Division so he could be reunited with me, he had my mark stamped on his face, and now he had my name, he had my child, and he was pregnant with my second child. Everything about Shūhei belonged to me. Except his heart. Urahara had his heart and that pissed me off.

            But why? I wanted Shūhei gone, didn’t I? He ruined my life…didn’t he? But he also gave me something I had never had before. A wife. A daughter. A growing family. Things that I was never going to have. People may have accepted me as a Visored captain, but that was as far as my acceptance was going to go. I got my sex from loose women and men in the Red Light District, because I had no other way of relieving that type of urge. No shinigami woman was going to marry a shinigami infected with a Hollow.

            That put me back on track.

            “So, Urahara,” I said. “What can you do about this Hollow problem? Have you thought about it at all?”

            He closed his eyes for a second, clearly settling himself, then nodded.

            “Alright.” He looked at me seriously. “From what you’ve told me, your soul has become unstable. You have to keep your soul in balance, you, your zanpakutō, and the Hollow all share a living space in your consciousness. Right now, the Hollow has tipped the scales dangerously far.”

            “What can I do?”

            He stood up. “Come with me to the underground arena. Tessai, prepare a barrier Kidō for us.”

            “Sir,” said Tessai.

            I followed Urahara down the hatch into the enormous subterranean training ground, with Tessai behind me. Urahara had me stand while he and Tessai backed up.

            “Use number 99,” Urahara said to Tessai.

            Tessai held his arms out extended by his sides, with his palms held away before he slammed them together, his fingers intertwined.

            He called out, “Bakudō #99! Kin!”

            Instantly my arms were jerked behind my back, and wrapped around tight with spiritual fabric, then iron shafts pinned it down. I gritted my teeth tight, it hurt.

            “Hey!” I shouted. “You haven’t even told me what you’re gonna do yet!”

            “I’m going to call out your Hollow,” said Urahara, my stomach tightened. “Bring him out, then suppress him back down. Essentially, it’ll free you of the unequal conditions in your soul. However I can’t do it alone. While your Hollow is out here, you must face him in your inner world, and subdue him there. If you fail and become a full Hollow…”

            A cold smile took over Urahara’s face and his voice harshened.

            “Then I’ll have no choice but to kill you.”

            I said through gritted teeth, “You wanted this, didn’t you Urahara? You want me dead!”

            “For what you’ve done to Shūhei, yes,” he said point-blank. “However, Shūhei cannot be with me. And I believe Akari deserves a father, even if it can’t be me. I’ll fix your Hollow problem so you can’t hurt Shūhei or Akari anymore. So you will have the lesson Shattered Shaft. I’m going to drop you in a hole, and down there you will fight your Hollow, while I suppress it here. Now… _go._ ”

            The hole opened up underneath my feet, and I fell several hundred feet, collapsing on my back, painfully crushing my arms under my weight.

            I flipped up to my feet and glared up at the small rim of white light above me.

            “Come out Hollow!” Urahara taunted me from the open space. “Come on out Mr. Hollow!”

            “SHUT UP!!”

            I screamed up at him then my entire body rocked from side to side, and my vision blurred, pain pulsed up and down my spine, then everything swirled away.

            I jerked and I was in my inner world. It looked like a traditional kendo dojo. The wooden floors were shined with matte finish, and there was a rack of wooden shinai swords to the side, plus a pile of several armored gear.

            Standing in the center of the dojo was Kenzo. He looked like me, except his skin was white, like porcelain, and he had black hair and black eyebrows. His eyes had black sclera with yellow irises and brown pupils. He had large silver studs imbedded in his arms and several across his shoulder blades. His hands were covered in armored gauntlets.

            As for me, I was already in bankai. I wore my shihakusho without the captain’s haori. My arms were wrapped in segmented purple armor, with a thicker purple band that arched behind me and over my head, with the ends flexing under my shoulders. Tekken Tachikaze was now a pair of knuckle blades in each hand, the curved silver edges glinting dangerously.

            “Now then,” purred Kenzo with a wide insane smile. “We’re going to have our fight here, in this stage. When I win, I’ll claim your body as my own. I’ll easily break out of this Bakudō, I’ll kill everyone in the Urahara Shop, then rampage throughout Karakura Town. When the Soul Society sends their goons after me, I’ll kill them all too. I’ll just kill and kill and kill until I can’t kill anymore!”

            Kenzo laughed shrilly, his mouth arching wide with sharp fangs, and his eyes wild.

            I huffed and shook my head. “Man, you really are crazy Kenzo. I can’t believe I let you into my head this far. Hey, Tachikaze.”

            Tachikaze materialized besides me. His spirit form was of a man who stood taller than me, with long willowy limbs. His skin was pale blue, and his hair white, flowing around his face and shoulders in the wind that was generated around his body. The wind was sharp, and getting too close would chop up the skin and the lungs if the wind was inhaled. He had six wings, two on his shoulder blades, two on his hips and two at his ankles. His fingers were long and ended in sharp talons like that of a bird of prey.

            He said in a voice deeper than mine, “Kensei, I will give you all of my power. Defeat Kenzo as quickly as you can. However, you must be aware of the time difference between your inner world and the real world.”

            I swallowed then nodded. “Alright. How much?”

            “Every five minutes you spend here,” said Tachikaze. “Is thirty minutes in the real world. The longer you stay in here, the more time is passing where Urahara and Tessai are. And there, your real body is quickly turning into that of a Hollow. They will increase the Bakudō around you but as you become a Hollow and break the confines, Kenzo will take over and they will be forced to kill you. You must defeat Kenzo here, and as quickly as possible. Now fight, there’s no time left!”

            Kenzo darted at me, slamming punches for my face. I blocked the hits with Tachikaze’s knuckle blades, then morphed them into spiked gauntlets. This was no orderly practiced swordfight, this was a fistfight. I had to pound the shit out of Kenzo, until he realized I was in control, and balance my soul. If I didn’t, Kenzo would take over me, and I would die.

            _If I die…would anyone care? I’m a pariah at work, thought to be an abusive husband and a rapist. I’ve lost all respect. My wife cheats on me blatantly, and everyone knows it. What’s even the point of living?_

            Kenzo grinned at me, his teeth elongated into fangs.

            “That’s right Kensei.” His voice was rough with glee, his insane eyes sparking hotly. “Just give up! Hand over your body to me! You don’t have any use for it! You don’t even have a reason for living!”

            With a flash, I saw Akari, and I saw the first look she had given me. That look like she knew exactly who I was, looking at me like she had all the answers. My daughter, my firstborn. If I died, she wouldn’t have a father. And my unborn child, what if it’s a boy? A son, my heir, with no father to teach him how to be a man. I have children now, and they are my future. My children are my reason for living.

            I roared and punched Kenzo in the face, sending him flying across the dojo, and crashed into the wall, shattering in a crater.

            “You’re wrong Kenzo!” I breathed heavily, watching him slowly pick himself up. “I do have a reason for living, and there’s no way in Hell I’m letting a stinking Hollow take over my body!”

            “HAAAH?” He turned around, saliva sliding down his teeth over his lips. His arms bunched with bigger muscle, and his cylindrical studs increased in size, making him hunch over. He stepped forward on giant clawed feet, cracking the dojo floor. “Your children are your reason? What makes you think you’ll even live to see those children? With me in control, I’ll _make_ you kill Shūhei and I’ll make you crush that little baby brat’s skull!”

            “AAAGHH!” I charged, my fist raised.

            Tachikaze called out over the clash of fists. “It’s already been twenty minutes here Kensei! That’s two hours in the real world! They’ve increased the Bakudō but you’re already more than halfway through your Hollowfication. If you don’t win this fight, Kenzo will take over your body!”

            I grappled with Kenzo, our arms locked over each other’s shoulders, shoving back and forth, struggling to get enough power to throw the other to the ground.

            Memories of Shūhei suddenly flowed into my mind, before all of this happened. His sweet smile, somehow both innocent and inviting. The way he looked at me, his ebony-grey eyes respectful and desiring at the same time. When he touched me, usually just my hand or my arm, I could feel his submission yet demanding intentions. Yes, Shūhei was split in two. He both looked up to me as his captain but he also wanted more than that, even if he wasn’t fully aware of it himself. Shūhei loved me, not only as the savior from when he was a child, but a man he wanted to be with forever. Though how everything happened was fucked up, if it wasn’t for Kenzo forcing our first time to be rushed, nonconsensual, forcing me to ruin our relationship then…maybe it would have happened in time.

            “KENSEI!!”

            Hearing Tachikaze bellow my name, I jerked my arms out of Kenzo’s grip, while using one leg to foot-swipe Kenzo. He flopped to the floor, I straddled his chest, I morphed Tachikaze back into knuckle blades, and with one slash, I slit Kenzo’s throat. Black blood gushed from his throat, his eyes bugged as more blood ejected from his mouth.

            My vision blurred again, then everything went white.

            I came too in the real world with a huge gulp of air, and then I choked. My chest was too tight and my limbs convulsing. I was still in the subterranean training ground, and though I couldn’t move my body, I coasted my eyes from side to side. The place was torn up, huge craters blown into the pile of rock, blood splattered, and my shihakusho was ripped, my skin bleeding.

            A few feet away from me was Tessai, he was trembling with sweat all over his body, but his hands were clenched tightly together, and there was still a barrier around me. Urahara leaned over me, making me blink several times.

            “Looks like you’re back,” he said in a jovial tone, but he wasn’t wearing his hat, and he had blood coming from a gash over the bridge of his nose. “Just in time too, as I was this close to killing you.” He made a pinch between his thumb and forefinger. “Now go ahead and take a rest Kensei. You did well.”

            As if he had given me permission, my eyes sunk closed and I fell asleep.


End file.
